Boundaries Teaching - Cloud Townsend Resources

Why are boundaries necessary?

Because God is behind the concept of boundaries. According to the Bible, this need is fundamental in the creation of mankind. God created us to be free, and to act responsibly with our freedom. He wanted us to be in control of ourselves, and to have a good existence. He was behind that idea all along.

But as we all know, we misused our freedom, and as a result, lost it. With the loss of freedom came the loss of self-control. The results of losing self-control are displayed in a wide variety of miseries. Consider a few of the alternatives to self-control:

Controlling relationships where people try to control each other.

Faith that is practiced out of guilt and drudgery instead of freedom and love.

Being motivated by guilt, anger and fear instead of love.

The inability to gain control of our own behavior and solve problems in our lives.

The loss of control to addictive processes.

These are to name just a few. It is no wonder why the need for Boundaries is felt so deeply.
In fact, these issues are so dear to the heart of God, He says it was one of the motivators for the sacrifice of Christ Himself: “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1) Jesus died to set us free: from sin, from the devil, from the world around us. And that is the essence of what

Boundaries teach—freedom.

From The Simple Scoop on Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud; cloudtownsend.com

Aren’t Boundaries selfish?

No. Many people think that boundaries are about selfishness and are at their root, self-serving. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Boundaries are about freedom, and freedom is always meant to have, as it’s ultimate fruit, love. As Paul says, and we would echo to anyone who uses boundaries in a self-serving way.

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." (Galatians 5:13,14)

Boundaries are about God’s restoring freedom to you and me so that we could take control of our lives to be able to love Him and others. Ultimately, that is the fruit of boundaries, to love out of freedom, and with purpose.

From The Simple Scoop on Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud

I like to help others but sometimes I feel like I am being used. I have a hard time saying “no” when someone asks me to help them. What should I do?

This problem is one that many people have. Sometimes it because of pushy person who is insensitive and does not really think how their behavior is affecting you. But often, it is the miscommunication of the one who is “giving too much.” The miscommunication is this: my heart is saying “no,” but my behavior is telling you “yes.”

Regina was a sweet woman I worked with many years ago. I walked into her office one day and asked how she was doing. Immediately her eyes welled up with tears, and she began crying. At first she tried to hide it, but then she spilled her guts. She was feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work she had to do, fearing that she would never get it all done.

Although I was not her direct supervisor, I knew what her responsibilities were and it did not seem to me they were past her abilities. I could not understand why she was cracking. So, I told her that. Then she revealed more. It was not her work that was killing her; it was the work of one of her co-workers. It seemed this person was always asking her for little favors, “could you drop this project off for me?” or “can you finish these proofs for me and get them to the printer?” And being the “sweet Regina” she was, she always said “yes.”

But, while her behavior was saying yes, her heart was screaming, “leave me alone.” I have heard the same stories from single women who were having sexual relationships that they did not want to have, but were not being direct with their boyfriends. I have heard it from friends who were being drawn in to being someone’s entire support system in time of need getting burned out in the process. The contexts are different, but the issue is the same.

Are you giving more than you feel comfortable with and not telling the other person? Have you asked yourself “why?” There are several reasons people do this:

Fear of facing conflict.

Fear of not being liked.

Fear of being abandoned and rejected if they do not comply with another’s wishes.

Fear of being perceived of as “selfish” by God or others if they say “no.”

A history of controlling relationships.

If you can identify with any of these fears, you have to address them first. But even if you get past the fear, there is still the problem of communication. Remember, the Bible does not have any problem with your saying “no,” and having a limit on what you want to give to someone. What God does have a problem with is saying “yes,” and meaning “no.” (Matthew 5:37; James 5:12) It is at that point we have lost integrity in the relationship.

The sad thing about most of these situations is that the person on the other end “just didn’t know.” They often say: “Gosh, I never knew you felt that way. Why didn’t you tell me?” If that is their reaction, then you have finished the circle of communication and they accept your limits, like a good friend should.

If they don’t accept them and begin to get angry, you have another problem. At that point it is not a communication problem, it is a problem of freedom and control. You probably need to stop giving altogether until the issue is faced.

Until then, “let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes,’ and your ‘no’ be ‘no’.” Then both of you will know what the truth is in the relationship. And, painful as it is sometimes, the truth will set you free.

Becoming Separate - Creating Healthy Boundaries

In the last two “Features” we have talked about bonding. In the process of growth, bonding is the important first stage. Once bonding is established the process of separateness begins to “kick in.”

Separateness is an important aspect of human identity. We are to be connected to others without losing our identity and individuality. We are to master the art of “being me without losing you.”

On the human level, just as our connection was marred in the fall, so is our sense of separateness, boundaries, and responsibility. We are all confused as to where we end and someone else begins. We have difficulty having a will of our own, without getting it entangled with someone else’s. Often we don’t know who we really are as opposed to who someone says we are. Sometimes we don’t know what we think or feel unless the culture feels it first. The boundaries between us and the world get blurred.

When we think of relationship, we think of love. When we think of boundaries, we think of limits. Boundaries give us a sense of what is part of us and what is not part of us, what we will allow and what we won’t, what we will choose to do and what we will choose not to do. This leads to responsibility and love.

Developing separateness involves knowing our what our boundaries are. Knowing these boundaries helps us develop our separate and unique personalities.

When we understand healthy boundaries we can better determine when those boundaries have been violated. The chart below looks at certain areas of our lives in which we are separate from others. See what it looks like to have healthy boundaries and what happens when the boundary lines are crossed over.

Healthy Boundaries

Effects of Crossing Over Boundaries
+ Body
Our body has physical boundaries that define who we are. We have the ability to physically open ourselves up to good things from the outside. We can eat nourishing food, open our eyes to something beautiful, listen to our favorite music and breathe in fresh air. Likewise we can choose to keep bad things out. We can refuse spoiled food, shut our eyes when the light is too bright, cover our ears when music is too loud, or sneeze when the air is dusty.
- Body
To invade another personís body, to cross over this personís boundaries, is the most basic act of abuse. The first effect of a crossover in body boundaries is that the person whose boundaries are crossed feels more like a thing than a person. Whether the abuse is sexual, physical or verbal, it can cause a person to feel like they no longer own their own bodies. They loose an aspect that defines who they are. Work must be done to reclaim what they have lost.
+ Attitudes
Our attitudes are our opinions about something. We are responsible for our own attitudes, for they exist inside our ìproperty line.î They are within our hearts, not someone elseís. God tells us to examine and take responsibility for the attitudes and beliefs that govern our lives. They form the structure of our personality. In the beginning of life, we ìsoak upî attitudes; as we mature, we need to take responsibility for making sure our opinions are ours and not someone elseís. We choose them.
- Attitudes
We often do not own our own attitudes; instead, we take responsibility for the attitudes of others. We may complain how a person is ìputting expectationsî on us. Whenever we feel pressured by someone to do something, it is our problem and not the problem of the one who is putting the pressure on. In reality, our ìfeeling pressureî is our tendency to agree with the pressurerís attitude instead of setting forth our own. We must get in touch with how we are getting hooked into saying yes and not put the blame on the other person.
+ Feelings
Feelings signal our state of being. Feelings tell us how we are doing, what matters to us, what needs changing, what is going well, and what is going badly. We are responsible for our own feelings. To disown our feelings and ignore responsibility for them is one of the most destructive things we can do to both others and ourselves. When we take responsibility for our own disappointments, we are setting clear boundaries
- Feelings
If we feel responsible for other peopleís feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right. Instead, we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices. If we feel responsible for other peopleís displeasure, we are being controlled by others, not God. This is a basic boundary disturbance. When we take responsibility for othersí feelings we are crossing over their boundaries. We should always be sensitive to othersí feelings about our choices. But we should never take responsibility for how they feel.
+ Behavior
We cannot go where we want to go in life if we do not own both what we do and what we donít do. This is the basic law of cause and effect or sowing and reaping. People who obey this law of the universe feel in control of their lives, to the extent that we are able to feel in control. If they have a need, they behave in a way that will get their need met: they pray, they go to work, they ask for help, they exercise, they make friends, they behave in ways that bear fruit in their lives and they get somewhere. To own our behavior, to take responsibility for it, is an important aspect of knowing our boundaries.
- Behavior
People who donít obey the law of cause and effect, who do not own their behavior and the consequences for it, feel enormously powerless. They become dependent on others who encourage their irresponsibility to maintain their dependency. Whenever anyone is not allowed to ìownî their own behavior, or suffer its consequences, boundaries are being crossed. To shield people from the consequences of their behavior is unbiblical. It can cause a person to live a life of chaos because they have no confidence in their ability to cause an effect.
+ Thoughts
Our thoughts are another important aspect of who we are. We are to develop them in the same way we develop any other aspect of ourselves. We are to take every thought captive, take responsibility for it and evaluate it. If we are owning our thoughts, we are not repressing or denying them. This dynamic of ìowningî oneís own thoughts is very important in establishing identity because what we think is an essential part of who we are. Thinking our own thoughts is the beginning of freedom and responsibility.
- Thoughts
When we take responsibility for someone elseís thoughts, we invade their boundaries; we interfere with their property. If we expect them to take responsibility for ours, we have a similar problem. Boundaries get crossed in thinking when people try to put their interpretations onto others. We need to give people the right to their own thoughts and interpretations and not try to change them. Each person has the responsibility to change his or her own thoughts and opinions.
+ Abilities
God has given each of us certain talents and abilities, and He holds us responsible for developing them. Many times people do not explore their own talents. They accept othersí definitions of them, without seeing if these definitions fit. We lose ourselves when we so conform to others wishes for what we ìshouldî be. We are separate people with separate identity. We must own what is our true self, and develop it with Godís grace and truth.
- Abilities
People who cross boundaries in this area are in danger of feeling either false pride or false guilty. An eye may look at a hand and say, ìI can see so much better than that hand! Arenít I great!î or ìI canít pick up anything like that hand can. Iím so stupid.î Both appraisals are inaccurate. In addition, we must not allow someone else to cross our boundaries and try to tell us what our abilities are. Parents are often guilty of this kind of boundary crossing. They may want their child to be an intellectual when his is an athlete or the reverse. If loved ones cannot appreciate and value our real talents, we often conform to their expectations and deny our real abilities.
+ Desires
Our desires are a major part of what it means to be created in Godís likeness. He has given many desires to us; others we have chosen. Both can be good. But some of our desires are not good. In either case, we must begin to own them to straighten out what is good and bad. When we do not acknowledge our desires, we cut ourselves off from who we are, and we limit our future satisfaction. God uses our desires to fulfill his purposes. Only when we admit our desires can God work with us to meet them, delay them, encourage us to give them up, or whatever would be helpful.
- Desires
Desires are like feelings and any other element of what lies within our boundaries. We must own ours, and ours only. They are our responsibility and not someone elseís. For example, letís say Jimís wife, Jean, has a desire for a nice yard. This is her desire, not his; therefore, she is responsible for it. She can certainly ask Jim for help, and he may give it to her. But she is still responsible for obtaining it. If he doesnít give it, and she still wants it, she must take responsibility for getting it, If she doesnít get it, thatís her problem also. If we donít see that we own our desires, we blame others when we are deprived. This is a case of crossing over boundaries.
+ Choices
To own and make our own choices, we must be aware of all aspects of ourselves (attitudes, behaviors, feelings, desires and thoughts) that go into any decision. In addition, we must be aware that we are making a choice about almost everything we do. There are certainly things in life over which we have no control, but we always have a choice about how we will respond to these things. Our choices determine our direction in life.
- Choices
The essence of boundaries is taking responsibility, and at the hub of responsibility is choice. God has given every human the ability to choose. Whenever we make someone elseís choices for them, or whenever we think they are responsible for making our choices for us, boundaries are crossed.
+ Limits
When we examine our boundaries we discover our limits. Just as our yard has physical boundaries, so our livesóemotional, psychological, and spiritualóhave limits also. We all possess a finite amount of ability, time, money, energy and so on. It takes time to learn our limits in the various areas of life but they can be learned if we are aware of our feelings, attitudes and behaviors. At times, we may overextend ourselves. Or at other times, our limits may be too narrow. We can err in either direction. It takes much grace, truth and practice in time with others to discover our limits and to take responsibility for them. This is the balanced life.
- Limits
Crossed boundaries work the same way with limits. We must own our own, and not othersí. We decide what limits we will set on ourselves, and let others be responsible for the limits they set on themselves. If we have limitations of time, money or energy, we must set those. If we extend them too far, it is our fault. At the same time we cannot decide where someone elseís limits are. If a family member chooses not to limit their drinking this is their responsibility. However, other family members can set limits on how they will be affected by it. They can limit their exposure to the behavior by removing themselves from the situation until the behavior is changed.

From Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud; Zondervan, 1990, 1992.

Changes That Heal - Cloud Townsend Resources

Changes That Heal (Part 1)

Does God or psychology provide the cure to emotional problems?

Every week I see Christians who are suffering from a whole range of emotional problems: anxiety, loneliness, grief over broken relationships, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy. Often they have been struggling with these problems for years. They are people in pain.
The church is split on how to deal with these hurting people. Those on one side of the issue say that people who struggle emotionally are “in sin.” They “don’t have enough faith,” are not obedient,” or “don’t spend enough time in the Word.” These people tend to blame the hurting person for his or her pain.

These answers sound a lot like the ones Job received from his friends. “God is trying to teach you something.” Look at the blessings you still enjoy.” “God is testing you.” “Give thanks in spite of your circumstances.” The speeches of Job’s three friends contain elements of truth, but do not often help the person in pain.

A despairing person should have kindness from his friend, said Job, “lest he forsake the fear of the Almighty” (Job 6:14). Job recognized, as only a person in pain can do, that simple answers not only fail to relieve pain, they can literally drive a person further away from God. The hurting person who takes this sort of advice to heart often has two problems instead of one: the pain she originally had, plus the guilt over not being able to apply the answers she was given.
The help offered to Christians in emotional pain over the years has done untold damage and has led many to reach the conclusion Job did: “You smear me with lies; you are worthless physicians, all of you! If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom” (Job 13:4-5).

Faced with this kind of help, sufferers either learn to fake healing to remain in the church, or leave the church, deciding that their faith provides little solace for their emotional pain.
People on the other side of the issue reach out and try to touch the pain of hurting people. Looking for answers that work, and not finding them in the church, they turn to psychology. Often psychological methods succeed, and hurting people find relief. But now these people are in a quandary. Was it God or psychology that provided the cure? They know that the relief is from God, but there seems to be no biblical system by which to defend it. They just know that “it works.”

As a Christian, a psychologist, and a fellow struggler, I have stood on both side of this fence. I have tried the “standard” Christian answers for others, and myself and have come to Job’s conclusion: they are worthless medicine. I have also tried “baptizing” psychological insights so that they would somehow feel “Christian.” This didn’t work either.

Several years ago I found myself saying to God, “I quit. I really don’t know what helps. God, if there is something that does, you will have to show it to me.” Over the next few years, God led me on a spiritual journey in which he graciously answered that simple but desperate prayer.
It is not my purpose to get enmeshed in the church’s debate between psychology and theology. I have a different goal in mind. I want to show you that there are biblical solutions for your struggles with depression, anxiety, panic, addictions, and guilt, and that these solutions lie in your understanding certain basic developmental tasks—tasks that you may have failed to complete when you were growing up and tasks that bring changes that heal. These tasks involve growing up and into the “likeness” of the one who created you.

Changes That Heal (Part 2)

Created in the Image of God
The Bible says that we were created “in the image of God” (Genesis 1:27). We were created “like” God. Theologians have filled libraries with books about the attributes of God. They distinguish between God’s incommunicable attributes—he is immutable (changeless), omnipotent (all-powerful), infinite (without limitations), omniscient (all-knowing), omnipresent (everywhere)—and his communicable attributes—he is just, righteous, holy, loving, and faithful. Obviously, we can’t reflect God’s incommunicable attributes: we can never be all-powerful or all-knowing. But we can become more loving and more holy. The more we become like him in these attributes, the less we will struggle with emotional problems.

The apostle Paul writes that God calls us to be “predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son” (Romans 8:29). What he means is that our goal is to become more like him. Our destiny is to pursue this family resemblance to God. The problem we face is figuring out how to become more Christlike. How do we work on becoming “holy” when we feel so powerless to control our eating habits? How can we be “loving” when we’re burned out by all the requests for our time and energy?

Since becoming like God doesn’t seem practical, we try to solve our day-to-day problems by splitting them into two different categories. We ask, “Is this an emotional problem or a spiritual problem?” If we are struggling with an emotional problem, the Christian psychologist is called in; if it’s a spiritual problem, the pastor gets the call. We assume that our depression, panic, guilt, or addictions have little or nothing to do with our spirituality; they are two separate issues.

But separating our problems into “emotional” problems and “spiritual” problems is part of the problem. All of our problems stem from our failure to reflect the image of God. Because of Adam and Eve’s fall into sin in the Garden of Eden, we have not developed the “likeness” of God in the vital areas of our person, and we are not functioning as we were created to function. Thus, we are in pain.

In the course of my own spiritual and professional journey, I have identified four aspects of the personality of God that, if we would cultivate them, would greatly improve our day-to-day functioning. God is able to do four things that we, his children, have difficulty doing:
1. Bond with others.
2. Separate from others.
3. Sort out issue of good and bad.
4. Take charge as an adult.

Without the ability to perform these basic God-like functions, we can literally remain stuck for years, and growth and change can elude our grasp. Because we live in a fallen world, we all have deficits in all four areas. Transforming the effects of the fall and growing in the image of God is not an easy task. But God has promised that the “good work” he began in us, he will carry “on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6)

Before we set about this task of growing into the likeness of God, we need to take a brief look at two major qualities of God’s character—qualities that, if properly understood, will help us undertake our journey with vigor.

Changes That Heal (Part 3)

Growth takes Grace and Truth

Our God is a God “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14). We often hear the phrase “full of grace and truth,” but we rarely stop and realize its implications for our struggles here on earth. What are grace and truth? Why are they so important?

Let’s take grace first. Grace is the unmerited favor of God toward people. Grace is something we have not earned and do not deserve. As Frederick Buechner says, “Grace is something you can never get but only be given. There’s no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks or bring about your own birth.”

To put it another way, grace is unconditional love and acceptance. Such love is the foundation upon which all healing of the human spirit rests. It is also the essence of God. “God is love,” writes the apostle John (I John 4:8). And God loves us freely, without condition.

Grace is the first ingredient necessary for growing up in the image of God. Grace is unbroken, uninterrupted, unearned, accepting relationship. It is the kind of relationship God had in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were loved and provided for. They knew God’s truth, and they had perfect freedom to do God’s will. In short, they were secure; they had no shame and anxiety. They could be who they truly were. Grace then, is the relational aspect of God’s character. It shows itself in his unconditional connection to us.

Truth is the second ingredient necessary for growing up in the image of God. Truth is what is real; it describes how things really are. Just as grace is the relational aspect of God’s character, truth is the structural aspect of his character. Truth is the skeleton life hangs upon; it adds shape to everything in the universe. God’s truth leads us to what is real, to what is accurate. Just as our DNA contains the form that our physical life will take, God’s truth contains the form that our soul and spirit should take.

Truth without Grace

When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, they had both grace and truth united in one God. When they sinned, they drove a wedge between themselves and God; they lost their grace-filled and truthful relationship with God.

Without grace, Adam and Eve felt shame: when they heard God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, they hid from him. When God calls out, “Where are you?” Adam explains that he was hiding because he was afraid (Genesis 3:8-10). Shame and guilt had entered the world; human beings were no longer safe.

After Adam and Eve cut themselves off from a relationship with God, they also severed their connection to grace and truth, for those come through relationship with God. However, God did not let them stay isolated for long. Seeing Adam and Eve in their lost state, he decided to give them direction; he gave them truth in the form of the law. The law is a blueprint, or a structure, for people to live by. It offers them guidance, and it sets limits for them.

There was only one problem: God gave them truth without grace. Adam and Eve had to try to live up to God’s standards. They soon learned that they could never measure up. No matter how hard they tried to perform, they would always some up short. Truth without grace is judgment. It sends you straight to hell, literally and experientially.

When we look at what the Scripture says about the law, about truth without grace, we see that the law silences us, brings anger, increases sin, arouses sinful passions, brings death, puts us under a curse, holds us prisoner, alienates us from Christ, and judges us harshly.

The law without grace destroys us. No one ever grows when they are under the law, for the law put us into a strictly legal relationship with God: “I’ll love you only if you do what is true and right.” Getting truth before grace, or truth before relationship, brings guilt, anxiety, anger, and a host of other painful emotions.

Grace without Truth

Truth without grace is deadly, but grace without truth leads to less than successful living as well. In the same way that truth (without grace) can be called judgment, grace (without truth) can be named license. The Scriptures talk about this. See: Galatians 5:13, Romans 6:15-16, Colossians 3:5. The lack of limits in life—the lack of truth and discipline—can lead to a chaotic lifestyle.
The Bible doesn’t commend either truth apart from grace, nor grace apart from truth; but rather, a mixture of both. “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ” (John 1:14, 16-17, italics mine).

This passage shows both how people fail and how they are redeemed. Failure came through the law, and redemption through Jesus. It is only through him that we can realize two ingredients of growth: grace and truth. It is through him that we can come back into the same relationship Adam had: an unbroken connection (grace) to the One who is reality (truth).
There is a third key ingredient for growth, see Growth takes Time.

Changes That Heal (Part 4)

Growth takes Time

A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, "For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?"

“Sir," the man replied, "leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.” (Luke 13:6-9).

In this parable of Jesus, the owner of the tree expected fruit from his tree. When the tree bore no fruit for three years in a row, the owner was not only disappointed, he was furious. “Cut it down!” he ordered.

This is often what we do when we examine our own failures, our “fruitlessness” in light of reality. We look at ourselves (the tree), and we expect to be able to keep our marriages together, to raise perfect children, to make loyal friends, and to perform our work without error (the fruit). When we fail and then become depressed, fearful, or anxious (bad fruit), we cut ourselves down by saying, “I should be able to do that.” “I should be able to accomplish more.” “I should be able to be like so and so.” At this point, we are like a house divided against itself. Like the tree owner, we want growth, but we judge ourselves quickly and harshly without taking the time to figure out the problem. We operate with truth and no grace with disastrous results.

Sometimes we operate with grace and no truth. We say things like, “It doesn’t matter.” “That’s really the best I could do.” “I can’t help it that he reacted that way.” “I couldn’t help myself.” Dead wood (fruitlessness) takes up space in our lives (our vineyard). Either we allow our inability to relate to others or to control our anger or to discipline our children to go on as it has been, continually rotting our lives and robbing us of the delicious fruit God has in store for us, or we deny that we have a problem, with even more disastrous results.

To some degree, we all do both: sometimes we yell, “Cut it down,” and at other times we ignore it. But one thing is for sure: when we either ignore our failure to bear fruit in the image of God, or we judge its absence with an angry “Cut it down,” we end up either in grace or truth, and we do not grow.

In the last sections (Changes that Heal, Part 2 & 3; See Feature Article Archives) and in this parable we see another option: graft grace to truth to stimulate growth. Grace and truth in this parable are symbolized by the actions of “digging around” and “fertilizing.” Using the trowel of God’s truth, we must dig out the weeds and encumbrances of falsehood, sin, and hurt that keep the soil of our souls cluttered. In addition, we must add the fertilizer of love and relationship to “enrich the soil.” Grace and truth give us the ingredients to head in the right direction and to provide the fuel we need to keep on growing and changing.

But the Bible tells us that in order for grace and truth to produce fruit, we need a third key element: time.

Look again at verses 8 and 9: "Sir,"the man replied, "leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down." The gardener, who certainly symbolizes our Lord, the “author and perfecter” of our faith, realized that his work and the fertilizer need time to take effect. In short, it takes time to grow. And time alone will not do it. Time must be joined by grace and truth. When we respond responsibly to these three elements, we will heal and bear fruit.

Time is not just an act of God’s grace to us, “giving us some space.” God is much too loving to allow us to continue in sin for one moment longer than necessary. Time is not a luxury, but a necessity.

Spiritual and emotional growth takes time. And often a transformation happens over time without the person knowing quite how it happened. I am reminded of Jesus’ description of the kingdom of God:

“A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts up and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head.” (Mark 4:26-29, italics mine)
This passage illustrates an important truth about the growth process. It cannot be willed. It can only be enhanced by adding grace, truth and time; and then God produces the growth. If we are depressed, for example, it does no good to try to be “undepressed.” It does help, however, to cultivate the soil of our soul with the nutrients of grace, truth, and time. Only then will we gradually be transformed to greater and greater stages of joy.

Changes That Heal (Part 5)

Bonding

Bonding is the ability to establish an emotional attachment to another person. It’s the ability to relate to another on the deepest lever. When two people have a bond with each other, they share their deepest thoughts, dreams, and feelings with each other with no fear that the other person will reject them.

Bonding is one of the most basic and foundational ideas in life and the universe. It is a basic human need. God created us with a hunger for relationship—for relationship with him and with our fellow people. At our very core we are relational beings.

Without a solid, bonded relationship, the human soul will become mired in psychological and emotional problems. The soul cannot prosper without being connected to others. No matter what characteristics we possess, or what accomplishments we amass, without solid emotional connectedness, without bonding to God and other humans, we will suffer sickness of the soul.
Why is our need for bonding so strong, and why is our failure to bond so disastrous for our well-being?

God is a relational being, and he created a relational universe. At the foundation of every living thing is the idea of relationship. Everything that is alive relates to something else.

When we search the Scriptures to discover the nature of God, we find out something else. “God is love,” writes the apostle John. “Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him” (I John 4:16). In his essential nature and in all his actions, God is loving. And insofar as we are created in his image, love is foundational to being a person and to being a Christian. Love is the basic identity of God; it is therefore basic to our identity also.

When we understand that the foundation of existence lies in relationship, for it is the way God exists, it begins to make sense why love is the highest ethic.

Relationship, or bonding, then, is at the foundation of God’s nature. Since we are created in his likeness, relationship is our most fundamental need, the very foundation of who we are. Without relationship, without attachment to God and others, we can’t be our true selves. We can’t be truly human.

If we are to grow and thrive, we need to be “rooted and grounded in love.” We are literally to draw from the love of God and others to fuel our transformation and fruit bearing. We cannot imagine putting a plant in a cardboard box in the garage and expect it to blossom. The plant would not make it for very long. To grow, it must have sunlight, water and nutrients.

We sometimes think, however, that we can supply all our needs without other people. We think that, in a state of emotional and spiritual isolation, we can still grow. This grave violation of the basic nature of the universe can cause serious problems.

Our emotional and psychological well-being depends on the status of our heart, and the status of our heart depends on the depth of our bonds with others and God.

If we come into the world learning to attach to others and to trust them, we begin to develop emotionally, physically, and psychologically. We proceed along certain prescribed plans outlined by our Creator. If, however, we do not learn to attach to others, then our growth is stunted, and we may experience problems.

Changes that Heal (Part 6)

Skills for Bonding

Learning to bond won’t happen overnight. Making human connections takes a good dose of grace, truth and time. Here are some skills that will start you on the long road to making changes that heal.

Realize the Need

A careful reading of the Bible will show the value God places on connection. Paul uses the image of the body to make this point: “Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.” (I Corinthians 12:27) We are part of a body, and we cannot be emotionally amputated from the blood flow and expect to thrive. “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you!’ If one part suffers, every part suffers with it.” (I Corinthians 12:21, 26)

Move Toward Others

It is wonderful when others move toward you and seek out your heart, like God does. Often, though, others cannot see what you need and how emotionally isolated you really are. Therefore, to the best of your ability, actively reach out for help and support.

Be Vulnerable

You can move toward others, get socially involved, and have relationships, but still be isolated. Your isolation may stem from your inability to be open, your inability to show your real self to others. Learn to be vulnerable. The word vulnerable literally means “open to criticism or attack.” You need to be so open with your needs that you are open to attack.

Realization of need is the beginning of growth. Humility and vulnerability are absolutely necessary for bonding to take place at a deep level.

Being vulnerable at a social level may be too threatening at first. Maybe you need to start with a pastor, counselor, or support group. But vulnerability is a skill that opens up the heart for love to take root. When you can admit that you need support and help, and can reveal your hurt and isolation, a dynamic is set into motion that can literally transform your personality and life.

Challenge Distorted Thinking

Distorted thinking blocks you from relating to others. This essentially causes you to repeat what happened in the past. Challenge the distortions that keep you in bondage. To the extent that you continue to see the world through your childhood eyeglasses, your past will be your future.
If you don’t, for example, challenge the belief that “all people will leave me,” you will never form an abiding attachment, and you will recreate the isolation of your past. The Lord has promised to reveal the truth to you. Ask him to show you your particular distortions. Distorted thinking was learned in the context of relationship, and that is the only place where it can be unlearned. You need new relationship to undo the learning of the past; there your real self can be connected in grace and truth and thereby be transformed.

Take Risks

To learn new relational skills and the way of attachment, take risks. Listen to Jesus’ invitation: “‘Here am I! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.’” (Revelation 3:20) You have a responsibility to hear the voice and open the door. People and God will call to you, but if your distorted thinking and your resistance to risk get in the way, you will keep the door closed so that attachment cannot happen. Allow yourself to risk valuing someone emotionally. Risk getting hurt again. This is difficult, but essential.

Allow Dependent Feelings

Whenever you begin to allow someone to matter to your isolated heart, uncomfortable needy and dependent feelings will surface. These are the beginnings of a softening heart. Though uncomfortable, these feelings are a key to attachment. Many times you think you need to “keep a stiff upper lip,” but allowing your tender, needy sides to show to the ones you need will cement the attachment and allow it to grow.

Recognize Defenses

Recognize your own particular defenses against attachment. As soon as you can spot the old familiar patterns, you can begin to notice them in operation and take responsibility for them. You may need to say something life this, “Oh, there I go again, devaluing someone who is trying to love me. I’ll try and let them matter this time.” Challenge your old ways of acting and allow the Holy Spirit to empower you to resist your defenses.

Become Comfortable with Anger

Often, people avoid attachment because they fear their anger at the one whom they need and love. As a result, anger leads them into isolation to protect the loved one. It is natural to feel angry toward people you need. The more you can feel comfortable with angry feelings toward “good” people, the more you can integrate those feelings into the relationship and not spoil it. The angry self is an aspect of personhood that many people prefer to leave “un-bonded.” They believe that it is the unlovable aspect of who they are.

Pray and Meditate

In Psalm 139:23-24, David asked God to reveal who he was at a deep level: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Pray David’s prayer along with him, and God will reveal the true state of being in your heart. Ask God to unravel the problems in your ability to attach. Abiding is God’s highest value for you so you can be assured of His desire to help you reach this goal. As David says in Psalm 51:6, “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.”

Be Empathic

Empathy is the ability to share in another’s emotions, thoughts, or feelings. Empathizing with others’ needs, identifying with their hurt, softens your own heart. Many hardened people have melted by getting close to the hurts of others. I’m not implying a “give-to-get” or a “get-your-mind-off-yourself” strategy. I’m talking about identifying with the struggler in order to get in touch with your own hurt and loneliness.

Rely on the Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit empowers you to change and to come out from the bondage of your old ways of being. Ask him to free you from the death grip your defenses have on you and to give you the courage to take the first steps to attach to others.

Every time you find yourself at this crossroad, at the place where you can either respond defensively in an old pattern or risk the new, ask for help. You can’t do it alone. When you come face to face with your inability to bond, you must confess this inability and ask the Spirit to help you. You can’t change on your own. Rely on him to help you make the changes that heal.
Say "Yes" to Life

The task of bonding to others and God is one of saying, “yes” to life. It is saying, “yes” to God’s and others’ invitation to connect with them. People who struggle with isolation say “no” to relationship in many ways.

When you hide behind defense mechanisms, you are saying “no.” When you avoid intimacy, you are saying “no.” When you make excuses, you are saying “no.” Connection requires that you begin to say “yes” to love when it presents itself. This may mean accepting invitations to be with people instead of always withdrawing. It may mean giving a different answer in safe contexts when you are asked, “How are you doing?” It may mean empathizing with another’s hurt. Whatever the opportunity it means saying, “yes” to relationship.

Changes that Heal (Part 7)

Becoming Separate - Creating Healthy Boundaries

In the last two “Features” we have talked about bonding. In the process of growth, bonding is the important first stage. Once bonding is established the process of separateness begins to “kick in.”

Separateness is an important aspect of human identity. We are to be connected to others without losing our identity and individuality. We are to master the art of “being me without losing you.”

On the human level, just as our connection was marred in the fall, so is our sense of separateness, boundaries, and responsibility. We are all confused as to where we end and someone else begins. We have difficulty having a will of our own, without getting it entangled with someone else’s. Often we don’t know who we really are as opposed to who someone says we are. Sometimes we don’t know what we think or feel unless the culture feels it first. The boundaries between us and the world get blurred.

When we think of relationship, we think of love. When we think of boundaries, we think of limits. Boundaries give us a sense of what is part of us and what is not part of us, what we will allow and what we won’t, what we will choose to do and what we will choose not to do. This leads to responsibility and love.

Developing separateness involves knowing our what our boundaries are. Knowing these boundaries helps us develop our separate and unique personalities.

When we understand healthy boundaries we can better determine when those boundaries have been violated. The chart below looks at certain areas of our lives in which we are separate from others. See what it looks like to have healthy boundaries and what happens when the boundary lines are crossed over.

Healthy Boundaries

Effects of Crossing Over Boundaries

Body

Our body has physical boundaries that define who we are. We have the ability to physically open ourselves up to good things from the outside. We can eat nourishing food, open our eyes to something beautiful, listen to our favorite music and breathe in fresh air. Likewise we can choose to keep bad things out. We can refuse spoiled food, shut our eyes when the light is too bright, cover our ears when music is too loud, or sneeze when the air is dusty.

Body

To invade another personís body, to cross over this personís boundaries, is the most basic act of abuse. The first effect of a crossover in body boundaries is that the person whose boundaries are crossed feels more like a thing than a person. Whether the abuse is sexual, physical or verbal, it can cause a person to feel like they no longer own their own bodies. They loose an aspect that defines who they are. Work must be done to reclaim what they have lost.

Attitudes

Our attitudes are our opinions about something. We are responsible for our own attitudes, for they exist inside our ìproperty line.î They are within our hearts, not someone elseís. God tells us to examine and take responsibility for the attitudes and beliefs that govern our lives. They form the structure of our personality. In the beginning of life, we ìsoak upî attitudes; as we mature, we need to take responsibility for making sure our opinions are ours and not someone elseís. We choose them.

Attitudes

We often do not own our own attitudes; instead, we take responsibility for the attitudes of others. We may complain how a person is ìputting expectationsî on us. Whenever we feel pressured by someone to do something, it is our problem and not the problem of the one who is putting the pressure on. In reality, our ìfeeling pressureî is our tendency to agree with the pressurerís attitude instead of setting forth our own. We must get in touch with how we are getting hooked into saying yes and not put the blame on the other person.

Feelings

Feelings signal our state of being. Feelings tell us how we are doing, what matters to us, what needs changing, what is going well, and what is going badly. We are responsible for our own feelings. To disown our feelings and ignore responsibility for them is one of the most destructive things we can do to both others and ourselves. When we take responsibility for our own disappointments, we are setting clear boundaries

Feelings

If we feel responsible for other peopleís feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right. Instead, we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices. If we feel responsible for other peopleís displeasure, we are being controlled by others, not God. This is a basic boundary disturbance. When we take responsibility for othersí feelings we are crossing over their boundaries. We should always be sensitive to othersí feelings about our choices. But we should never take responsibility for how they feel.

Behavior

We cannot go where we want to go in life if we do not own both what we do and what we donít do. This is the basic law of cause and effect or sowing and reaping. People who obey this law of the universe feel in control of their lives, to the extent that we are able to feel in control. If they have a need, they behave in a way that will get their need met: they pray, they go to work, they ask for help, they exercise, they make friends, they behave in ways that bear fruit in their lives and they get somewhere. To own our behavior, to take responsibility for it, is an important aspect of knowing our boundaries.

Behavior

People who donít obey the law of cause and effect, who do not own their behavior and the consequences for it, feel enormously powerless. They become dependent on others who encourage their irresponsibility to maintain their dependency. Whenever anyone is not allowed to ìownî their own behavior, or suffer its consequences, boundaries are being crossed. To shield people from the consequences of their behavior is unbiblical. It can cause a person to live a life of chaos because they have no confidence in their ability to cause an effect.

Thoughts

Our thoughts are another important aspect of who we are. We are to develop them in the same way we develop any other aspect of ourselves. We are to take every thought captive, take responsibility for it and evaluate it. If we are owning our thoughts, we are not repressing or denying them. This dynamic of ìowningî oneís own thoughts is very important in establishing identity because what we think is an essential part of who we are. Thinking our own thoughts is the beginning of freedom and responsibility.

Thoughts

When we take responsibility for someone elseís thoughts, we invade their boundaries; we interfere with their property. If we expect them to take responsibility for ours, we have a similar problem. Boundaries get crossed in thinking when people try to put their interpretations onto others. We need to give people the right to their own thoughts and interpretations and not try to change them. Each person has the responsibility to change his or her own thoughts and opinions.

Abilities

God has given each of us certain talents and abilities, and He holds us responsible for developing them. Many times people do not explore their own talents. They accept othersí definitions of them, without seeing if these definitions fit. We lose ourselves when we so conform to others wishes for what we ìshouldî be. We are separate people with separate identity. We must own what is our true self, and develop it with Godís grace and truth.

Abilities

People who cross boundaries in this area are in danger of feeling either false pride or false guilty. An eye may look at a hand and say, ìI can see so much better than that hand! Arenít I great!î or ìI canít pick up anything like that hand can. Iím so stupid.î Both appraisals are inaccurate. In addition, we must not allow someone else to cross our boundaries and try to tell us what our abilities are. Parents are often guilty of this kind of boundary crossing. They may want their child to be an intellectual when his is an athlete or the reverse. If loved ones cannot appreciate and value our real talents, we often conform to their expectations and deny our real abilities.

Desires

Our desires are a major part of what it means to be created in Godís likeness. He has given many desires to us; others we have chosen. Both can be good. But some of our desires are not good. In either case, we must begin to own them to straighten out what is good and bad. When we do not acknowledge our desires, we cut ourselves off from who we are, and we limit our future satisfaction. God uses our desires to fulfill his purposes. Only when we admit our desires can God work with us to meet them, delay them, encourage us to give them up, or whatever would be helpful.

Desires

Desires are like feelings and any other element of what lies within our boundaries. We must own ours, and ours only. They are our responsibility and not someone elseís. For example, letís say Jimís wife, Jean, has a desire for a nice yard. This is her desire, not his; therefore, she is responsible for it. She can certainly ask Jim for help, and he may give it to her. But she is still responsible for obtaining it. If he doesnít give it, and she still wants it, she must take responsibility for getting it, If she doesnít get it, thatís her problem also. If we donít see that we own our desires, we blame others when we are deprived. This is a case of crossing over boundaries.

Choices

To own and make our own choices, we must be aware of all aspects of ourselves (attitudes, behaviors, feelings, desires and thoughts) that go into any decision. In addition, we must be aware that we are making a choice about almost everything we do. There are certainly things in life over which we have no control, but we always have a choice about how we will respond to these things. Our choices determine our direction in life.

Choices

The essence of boundaries is taking responsibility, and at the hub of responsibility is choice. God has given every human the ability to choose. Whenever we make someone elseís choices for them, or whenever we think they are responsible for making our choices for us, boundaries are crossed.

Limits

When we examine our boundaries we discover our limits. Just as our yard has physical boundaries, so our livesóemotional, psychological, and spiritualóhave limits also. We all possess a finite amount of ability, time, money, energy and so on. It takes time to learn our limits in the various areas of life but they can be learned if we are aware of our feelings, attitudes and behaviors. At times, we may overextend ourselves. Or at other times, our limits may be too narrow. We can err in either direction. It takes much grace, truth and practice in time with others to discover our limits and to take responsibility for them. This is the balanced life.

Limits

Crossed boundaries work the same way with limits. We must own our own, and not othersí. We decide what limits we will set on ourselves, and let others be responsible for the limits they set on themselves. If we have limitations of time, money or energy, we must set those. If we extend them too far, it is our fault. At the same time we cannot decide where someone elseís limits are. If a family member chooses not to limit their drinking this is their responsibility. However, other family members can set limits on how they will be affected by it. They can limit their exposure to the behavior by removing themselves from the situation until the behavior is changed.

Changes that Heal (Part 8)

Sorting Out Good and Bad

Have you ever had a relationship where you thought everything was going okay, and then you didn’t call home when you were going to be late and your partner treated you like you had leprosy?

Or, have you thought you were doing well in golf, and then played a rotten game and felt enormous hatred for yourself? It felt as if you were a total failure, all bad.

Or, have you ever prepared a special meal for friends, planning the perfect evening together, then the cake falls and the whole evening is ruined?

The world around us is good and bad. The people around us are good and bad. We are good and bad.

Our natural tendency is to try and resolve the problem of good and evil by keeping the good and the bad separated. We want, by nature, to experience the “good me,” the “good other,” and the “good world” as all good. To do this, we see the “bad me,” the “bad other,” and the “bad world” as all bad. This creates a split in our experience of ourselves, others and the world around us—a split that is not based on reality and cannot stand the test of time and real life.

This splitting results in an inability to tolerate badness, weakness, and failure in others and ourselves. It leads to two basic problems: sometimes we deny the existence of bad; sometimes we deny the existence of good. We feel like we are all bad when we fail, or we think we are all good when we are doing well.

Dealing with the Good/Bad Conflict

Generally, we deal with the conflict between good and bad in our lives in four different ways, three of which fail.

1. Deny the Bad

Denial is the way some people handle the bad in their lives. People deny feelings that are not part of their “ideal self.” Sometimes people who have been taught that their emotions are not acceptable deny sadness. Denial of emotions leads to depression because sadness is God’s way of dealing with hurt and loss. Some deny sinful feelings such as lust, envy or bitterness. They think that Christians shouldn’t have these feelings, so they deny their existence. The Bible urges people not to deny the badness they have inside, but to get it out into the light of God’s forgiveness.

2. Deny the Good

Some people deny the good. People who feel so under the pile of what “the ideal” demands, do away with standards altogether. As a result, they live in the badness, without any realization that it is bad. Their conscience becomes seared and they have no concept of acting in a way that is wrong.

Another common way people deny the good affects our view of others. We may see a bad characteristic in someone else and draw the conclusion that there is no good in the person. We write them off as all bad.

3. Attack and Judge

Attacking and judging is the most common way of dealing with the bad. Whether we attack others or ourselves, the outcome of being critical and harsh is condemnation and hurt. When we attack the bad, there may be truth in the attack. But, if it is done without grace and acceptance, it accomplishes nothing.

4. Acceptance

Acceptance of good and bad is the biblical alternative. It is called grace and truth. In this alternative, we deny neither the good nor the bad. We accept and forgive the bad, while clinging to the ideal as an unrealized goal that we strive for in an atmosphere of full acceptance. We stand in grace. This strategy does not split the good and the bad, nor does it get angry and condemning, but it grasps onto both the good and the bad at the same time.

Just as we accept the good and bad in ourselves, we need to accept them in others. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32) We must face and deal with the truth, but we must accept, not reject; we must be kind, not angry.

Love and Acceptance

Love is the solution and resolution to all problems of good and bad. When we were in the Garden of Eden, perfectly loved and accepted, good and bad was not an issue. When we disobeyed, good and bad became a paramount issue.

If we have enough love and limits, or grace and truth, we begin to experience the way God relates to us and to learn that we are standing in grace (Romans 5:2), where judgment and condemnation don’t come into the picture. We experience badness and failure as a sad thing for it causes us to miss out on loving someone. If we aren’t worried about condemnation when we sin, we have more energy to be worried about the one we hurt. That is godly sorrow instead of crippling guilt.

Jesus says the whole law could be summed up in the law of love. When we see our failures and sin as a lack of love for another person, instead of “badness,” then we have moved to a more mature way of seeing issues of good and bad.

This is true of ourselves as well. If, when we sin, we can see how our sin hurts us, instead of calling ourselves “bad people,” we can begin to get out of the slavery of the “law of sin and death.” Only when we get a picture of the self-destructive nature of our sin do we begin to change. Guilt manipulation does not work; it only makes us sin all the more. “The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more.” (Romans 5:20)

This is the simple truth of the gospel: only grace sets us free. “Who will rescue me from this body of death?” Paul asks when he is struggling with repeated sin (Romans 7:24). He goes on to say, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). It is only when we are no longer condemned for the bad that we can let go of it. Because we have been set free from that law, we can walk after the Spirit. But, if we still see our badness as something that incurs condemnation and guilt, the sin cycle will continue.

It is a powerful thing, this “no condemnation.” It transforms lives. When someone can get to a point where they do not feel condemned, no matter what they do, they are well on the way to being more and more loving, for “he who is forgiven much, loves much.”

From Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud; Zondervan, 1990, 1992.

Safe People - Cloud Townsend Resources

Safe People — Part 1: What are Safe People?

If you surf around this website, you would soon discover I am a strong proponent of getting connected in good, safe relationships. It is the underlying ingredient of having a healthy, maturing life.

So, what are safe relationships? A safe relationship is one that does three things:

Draws us closer to God. (Matthew 22:37-38)

Draws us closer to others. (Matthew 22:39)

Helps us become the real person God created us to be. (Ephesians 2:10)

When John (Townsend) and I asked people to describe a "safe person" to us, they gave us these descriptions:

A person who accepts me just like I am.

person who loves me no matter how I am being or what I do.

A person whose influence develops my ability to love and be responsible.

Someone who creates love and good works within me.

Someone who gives me an opportunity to grow.

Someone who increases love within me.

Someone I can be myself around.

Someone who allows me to be on the outside what I am on the inside.

Someone who helps me to deny myself for others and God.

Someone who allows me to become the "me" that God intended.

Someone who helps me become the "me" God sees in me.

Someone whose life touches mine and leaves me better for it.

Someone who touches my life and draws me closer to who God created me to be.

Someone who helps me be like Christ.

Someone who helps me love others more.

We all want people in our lives that help us in these ways. But how do we recognize them? What do they look like?

If we are to begin to utilize safe relationships, we need to first understand what a safe person is and why we need that kind of safety.

The best example of a safe person is found in Jesus. In him were fount the three qualities of a safe person; dwelling, grace and truth. As John wrote: "The Word became flesh and lived for a while among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth" (John 1:14).

Dwelling

Dwelling refers to someone's ability to connect with us. The Greek word used here means to "encamp" or "reside." The origin of this word has to do with the human body as the place where the spirit resides. What this means is that safe relationships are an aspect of the incarnational qualities of Jesus, for Jesus came as a man, in the flesh. Safe people are able to "dwell in the flesh." They are able to connect in a way that we know that they are present with us.
GraceThe second safe quality that Jesus exemplifies is grace. Grace is "unmerited favor." It means that someone is on our side; they are "for us." Grace implies unconditional love and acceptance with no condemnation. Relationships in which people shame or condemn us are ultimately hurtful and do not produce growth. They require us to be different that we are in order to be accepted. Love that must be earned is basically useless.

Grace does the opposite. It says that you are accepted just like you are and that you will not be shamed or incur wrath for whatever you are experiencing.

Truth

The third quality that Jesus embodied for us was truth. Truth implies many things, but in relationships it implies honesty, being real with one another, and living out the truth of God. Many people think that safe relationships are relationships that just give grace without confrontation, but ultimately these relationships can be destructive as well.

We need people in our life that will be honest with us, telling us where we are wrong and where we need to change. We need friends that walk according to the truth and live out the principles of God with us. This does not mean that they are not accepting, but it means that in their acceptance of us, they are honest about our faults without condemning us.

In summaryGood safe relationships are ones where:

We can be present with another, connecting on a deep level.

We receive grace and acceptance with no condemnation, giving us freedom from the fear of rejection.

We can speak the truth to one another, confronting each other as needed.

As we develop these kinds of relationships, accompanied by the work of the Holy Spirit, we will begin to see true growth. Before we know it, we will be closer to God, closer to others, and on the road to becoming the real person God created us to be.

Safe People — Part 2: Where are the Safe People?

Last week we described what safe relationships look like. Now the big question remains—where do you find safe people?

A client lamented with me about how she had tried the "safe relationship" stuff, sharing her heart, being honest, etc. and concluded that it just didn't work. She felt judged and condemned. It seemed that those she opened her soul to were simply not safe people.

She assumed since they were people in her church that they would automatically be safe. She had discovered a sad but real truth: the church is not a perfectly safe place. How can this be? If anyplace should be safe, the church should be.

As much as we would like for it to be true, the church does not consist of only safe people. If we are going to have a biblical view of relationships and people, we must see the church as God describes it. Our faith must be able to square with the reality of life as we find it and with the reality the Bible describes to us. Let's look at those two realities.

Reality as People Find ItEven in the body of Christ, we find some harsh realities: judgment, pride, self-centeredness, manipulation, abandonment, abuse, control, perfectionism, domination, and every kind of relational sin know to humankind. The walls of the church do not make it safe from sin. In fact, the church by definition is composed of sinners.

To further complicate matters, the church by its very nature as a family of God activates our most primitive and dependent longings because we want a perfect family. God designed the church to be our second family, and we often take into the church our longing for security and love that we take into our families of origin. And for some, as in their original family, the wish is not only disappointed—it can be crushed altogether. What are we to do with that reality?

The one difference is that, as adults entering into the family of God, we have choices about who we are going to trust and get close to. David said in Psalm 101:6 that we can pick the "ones who will minister to [us]." But we are not by nature so discerning. We come into the church feeling and wishing, "Take care of me. I need you. I shouldn't have to first figure out who is safe and who is not. You should be good and trustworthy." We want things to be right and often they are not.

On the other hand, many of us have felt that the body of Christ has nurtured, loved, and taught us in ways that have radically healed us. Through the acceptance and love of other believers our character has changed, and we have slowly let go of the things that shackle us.

The church can be a healing place where lives are transformed and where powerful love and healing can take place. The body of Christ is still God's instrument for our healing and restoration (1 Peter 4:10; Ephesians 4:16). So, the question rings in our needy hearts: Is the church safe, or is it dangerous? The answer is, "It is both." Sometimes we are fortunate to find good relationships, and other times we run into disaster.

Reality as the Bible Describes It The sad thing is that our ideals for the church do not reflect biblical reality, either. We think that the Bible promises a church where we find only safe people. But the Bible says that the church is full of wolves as well as sheep. In the church, we will find both healing and hurt. If we are going to find healing and minimize hurt we need to make sure that we see the church as God describes it to us. We need to operate according to biblical reality instead of our fantasized wishes.

In describing reality of the kingdom of God, Jesus told a story:

"The Kingdom of Heaven is like a farmer who planted good seed in his field. But that night as everyone slept, his enemy came and planted weeds among the wheat. When the crop began to grow and produce grain, the weeds also grew. The farmer's servants came and told him, `Sir, the field where you planted that good seed is full of weeds!' "`An enemy has done it!' the farmer exclaimed." `Shall we pull out the weeds?' they asked. "He replied, `No, you'll hurt the wheat if you do. Let both grow together until the harvest. Then I will tell the harvesters to sort out the weeds and burn them and to put the wheat in the barn.'" (Matthew 13:14-30, italics mine)
As this story shows, God allows unsafe people to be in the church. They are wolves in sheep's clothing, and they are dangerous. While they may seem religious, they may not even be true believers. While they do many things in his name, they are not his sheep. (Matthew 7:22-23)
Another reality is that even with believers, we get a mixed bag as well. Listen to the parable of the sower:

The seed that fell on the hard path represents those who hear the Good News about the Kingdom and don't understand it. Then the evil one comes and snatches the seed away from their hearts.

The rocky soil represents those who hear the message and receive it with joy. But like young plants in such soil, their roots don't go very deep. At first they get along fine, but they wilt as soon as they have problems or are persecuted because they believe the word.

The thorny ground represents those who hear and accept the Good News, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the cares of this life and the lure of wealth, so no crop is produced.
The good soil represents the hearts of those who truly accept God's message and produce a huge harvest--thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times as much as had been planted." (Matthew 13:19-23)

Within the church some people are never really born again; the kingdom never takes hold in them. Others are joyful in the faith, but they do not have the reality of the life of God within them. Both of these groups can be very destructive.

But it is the third group, where we can get really confused. The seed has taken hold, they are in the faith, but they are so self-centered and caught up in temporal concerns that they are not producing loving fruit in their relationships. This kind of well-intentioned, but growth-stagnant, person can be very hurtful as well.

Finally, Jesus describes the fruitful person. This person, although not perfect, is involved in the process of growth with God. Love, confession, humility, truth and grace are present and increasing. This is the kind of person is the one that brings about healing in other people's lives.
Wisdom and CharacterOur experience and the Bible affirm the same thing. The church is full of safe people, unsafe people, and hurtful lingerers. There is no perfect family short of heaven. The Bible's message is that we need to be discerning. We need to make informed choices, and we need to be careful. But we also need to avoid becoming pessimistic and learn to recognize the goodness that abounds within the family of God.

The long and the short of it is that we have to work to find safe people, using our wisdom, discernment and character.

Where to lookWithin the body of Christ, God has gifted people to heal each other. We have found these people in a variety of settings and structures, from informal to formal. Here are some of them.

Safe ChurchesLook for churches where relationship is preached and community is formed. While churches have different personalities and cultures it is possible to find churches that have the following qualities:

Grace is preached from the pulpit and is the foundation for how people are treated.

Truth is preached without compromise, but also without a spirit of law and judgment.

Church leaders are aware of their own weaknesses and need to grow. They are open about their hurt, pain, failings, and humanity. Instead of "having it all together" and being insulated from confrontation and change, they are in a process of healing and opening up to their own safe people for support and accountability.

The church uses small groups to touch people's lives, and sermons focus on community in the body of Christ as well as doctrine.

The culture is one of forgiven sinners, not self-righteous religious Pharisees.

The church, instead of being a self-contained unit and thinking it has all the answers, is networked into the community, utilizing input from other sources such as churches, professionals and organizations.

The teaching has a relational emphasis as well as a vertical one. Relationship between people is seen as part of spirituality as well as relationship to God.

The teaching sees brokenness, struggle, and inability as normal parts of the sanctification process.

There are opportunities to serve others through a variety of ministries.

Restorative Friendships

We (John and I) value friendship. We believe that friendship is one of the most powerful tools God uses to change and heal character. In relationships with others we are healed, our character is changed and sanctification happens.

Friends give us what we need in the areas of acceptance, support, discipline, modeling, and a host of other relational ingredients that produce change. Good friendships are an absolute must for our spiritual growth to happen. In picking good friendships that produce growth, several qualities are important:

Acceptance and grace.

Mutual struggles, although they do not have to be the same ones.

Loving confrontation.

Both parties need other support systems as well to avoid the same kind of toxic dependency on each other that led to the problems.

Familiarity with the growth process where both parties have "entered in" and have some knowledge of the process so as to avoid the blind leading the blind.

Mutual interest and chemistry, a genuine liking.

An absence of "one-up and one-down" dynamics.

Both parties in a relationship with God.

Honesty and reality instead of "over spiritualizing."

An absence of controlling behavior.

Support Groups

Groups are an extremely powerful tool for spiritual and emotional growth. A dynamic occurs in a group that is absent in one-on-one relationships. Members realize the universality of pain and suffering, and they are not as tempted to condemn themselves.

Support groups come in many styles, from therapy groups to twelve-step groups, to prayer groups, to groups that form around a particular issue, such as grief or sexual abuse.

One caution needs to be mentioned, however. Groups are powerful and need leadership by people who know what they are doing. They need to know the issues that will arise and how to deal with them. That is why groups have trained leaders, or leaders who have experience in the growth process. We generally discourage informal groups of hurting people who get together with no trained or experienced leader. These groups can re-create all the problems that someone is there to get help with. Unless you are far along in the process, try to find groups that are structured, have an expressed purpose, and have experienced leadership.

Individual Therapy

Sometimes people are so hurt and have so much to deal with that they need specialized one-on-one attention. Individual therapy is a powerful, proven method of dealing with deep issues and developmental impasses.

In choosing a therapist, remember that you are a consumer and have a right to know that you are getting good care. Check out her credentials first, and make sure that you check around with people who are familiar with her work. Pastors can be a good referral resource.

Be Careful and Go for It

There are many good people out there. To find them, use discernment, wisdom, and information, and trust your experience with people. Keep looking, praying, and seeking until you find safe people-people who will give you all the benefits that God has planned for you.

Safe People — Part 3: Learning to Be Safe

Has this question ever crossed your mind? Okay, I finally found a safe person, now what do I do with him? Look at him? Take him home? Go to a movie? Ride off into the sunset? Many of us are quite unfamiliar with the dynamics of closeness.

The good news is that we can take action to become more intimate. These actions lead us into deeper connections with God's people, which then sustain us for life and growth.

There are several major tasks and opportunities ahead of you when you make the connection. Let's take a look at them.

Learn to Ask for Help

God places a high premium in the value of asking directly for help. Forms of the word ask appear almost 800 times in the Bible, many of them an invitation from God for us to ask for things:

"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." (Matthew 21:22)
"You do not have, because you do not ask." (James 4:2)
"And receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him." (1John 3:22)

Not only are we to ask God for what we need in prayer, but also other people: Paul wrote his friend Philemon, "Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I ask" (Philemon 21). Asking is human and divine, because God created us to ask.
Why is learning to ask for love so important? Here are a few of the reasons asking is helpful for us:

When we ask, we develop humility. To request help or support from another destroys any illusions of self-sufficiency we might harbor. Asking helps us remember that we are incomplete, that we are needy, and that we are to seek outside of ourselves to take in what we need. This creates the position of humility in us, which opens us up not only to others, but also to God.
When we ask, we are owning our needs. Asking for love, comfort, or understanding is a transaction between two people. You are saying to the other: "I have a need. It's not your problem. It's not your responsibility. You don't have to respond. But I'd like something from you." This frees the other person to connect to you freely, and without obligation. When we own that our needs are our responsibility, we allow others to love us because they truly have something to offer. In other words, asking is a far cry from demanding. When we demand love, we destroy it.

When we ask, we are taking initiative. Asking is the ultimate "passivity-buster." It helps us out of the trap of wishing and hoping someone will somehow sense our pain intuitively and come to our rescue. It also means that asking keeps us much more in control of our lives. We aren't dependent on the clairvoyance of our friends (what a relief to them!).

When we ask, we are developing a grateful character. God cherishes a grateful heart. He knows that gratitude will produce love in his people. Those who have been helped will help others. Those who have been loved and forgiven little, love little (Luke 7:47).

Asking increases the odds that we'll get something. Though it sounds too obvious to say, it's important. How many times have you neglected reaching out to someone who is now absent from your life? Askers really do tend to get more out of their relationships.

What do I ask for? This is important, because many of us confuse function with relationship here. In other words, we're not talking about borrowing a cup of sugar from your neighbor, or getting a ride to the airport. Asking for functional reasons is fine, but it will not help you develop relationships. In fact, it's easy to avoid relationships by asking only for functional things.

Learn to ask your safe people for the very things you found them for: a relational connection. Learn how to ask for your emotional tummy to be filled just like you'd ask for breakfast for your physical body. Ask someone to be with you spiritually and emotionally, the same way that Jesus asked his closest friends in his darkest hour: "'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,' he said to them, 'Stay here and keep watch'" (Mark 14:34).

Learn to NeedGod created you to long for attachment, to desire to matter to someone and to "hunger and thirst" for relationship. He made you that way, so that you could know when to seek comfort and connect. Just like your car's gas gauge, your needs tell you when you're on "empty."

However, your needs for relationship may have been buried. They may be so far underground that you've despaired of ever finding them again. If so, this second task, "learning to need," is vital for you.

You can regain your experience of neediness. You had it once: almost all babies are born with the God-given desire to be protected, connected, and comforted. And God is in the business of redeeming that which is lost, including disenfranchised parts of our soul.

Confess you inability to need. Tell the truth to your safe relationships about how hard it is to rely on others, depend on others, and actually want others close. This lets your friends know that you truly need to need. As they draw closer to you, instead of shrinking back, you slowly learn to trust again. What is occurring is that the internal need begins to respond to the warmth, constancy, and safety of your relationships.

Don't fake it. You might be tempted to pretend you're closer and needier than you feel, hoping you can generate the feelings. This isn't helpful. It distracts your safe people from your real condition and discourages the lost part of you from being known. This will probably take some time, but safe people understand that and have time.

Keep your boundaries. Pay attention to your need for separateness. Let people know when you've had enough connecting time, and don't push it too hard. This helps you feel much safer internally, and more ready to take risks, knowing you won't be swallowed up in relationship.
Work Through ResistancesWhat is resistance? Resistance is our tendency to avoid growth. It's our drive to keep the spiritual and emotional status quo. It's our inclination to move away from God's provisions for our growth. And we all have it.

Many of the dynamics, which drive us to choose unsafe people or no people at all, are resistances. We're loaded with ways to keep our hearts from encountering loving, supportive people. As crazy as it sounds, we often build entire lifestyles around avoiding those who would help fill us up.

So, how do I deal with resistances?
Identify your resistances. The more aware you are of your specific resistances to love, the more power you have over them. Denial is your worst enemy here. With the feedback of friends, make a list of the ways you shrink from safe people, and become a student of these dynamics. They are a "road map" to understanding yourself and your real needs.
Bring them into relationship. It takes humility to ask people to help you work through perfectionism, guilt or other issues. But safe people are the last to throw stones. They've got too much experience with their own issues. You'll find warmth and patience with your resistances. What's more, you'll find that your resistances will begin to melt as you connect.

Meet the needs underlying the resistances. Remember that these oppositions are designed to protect you from hurt. They're obsolete guardians of your soul, like Adam and Eve's fig leaves. And when the true spiritual needs underlying them have been met, they lose their power. The fight is largely over. Actively seek the connections, the truth, the forgiveness, and the equality with others.

Do the opposite of what the resistances tell you. If you're in need, your internal opposition may tell you to do some destructive things, like:

Go only to God with this.

Handle it yourself.

Ignore your need.

Realize it's your moral failure.

Suck it up. Don't be weak.

Find someone to criticize you.

Find someone to "caretake."

Rebel!

Rebel against the unbiblical authority of the resistances! They'll tell you to find critical, irresponsible, or abandoning people-or to not seek at all. Instead, seek out loving, responsible, and faithful people.

Invite the Truth About YourselfOne of the most valuable things you can do with your safe people, ranking up there with asking for help, needing, and melting resistance, is simply to invite the truth about yourself. We have so many blind spots and areas where we aren't aware of our self-destructiveness. The psalmist's invitation to God echoes the same issue. "Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139:23-24). God often uses people to answer that prayer.

There are lots of ways to implement this step. You can ask for feedback in a hundred different ways. However, it could be summarized into two questions. If you will regularly ask these two questions to your safe people, and use the answers, your life can flourish. They are:
What do I do that pushes you away from me?

What do I do that draws you toward me?

There are few more difficult words to ask a person, yet nothing more helpful. When you ask these questions, you're saying several important things to your safe people. You're telling them:

I value how you feel about me.

I want you to be a very important part of my life.

I respect what you observe in me.

I don't want to hurt you or our relationship.

I trust you with my most vulnerable parts.

Many are terrified at the prospect of hearing feedback from others. You may have heard many hurtful or untrue things about yourself from a critical person. Or you may feel that you're a sham, and that others are waiting to pounce on you and expose you to the world.

Safe people just aren't wired like that. Your safe person wants you to know the truth for two reasons. First, the truth increases love. People who are free to be honest are free to love each other. This is because the fear of loss of attachment is one, and "there is no fear in love" (1 John 4:18). And second, the truth is always your friend. Understanding how we turn people off can go a long way in increasing the quality of our relationships and work lives. This is part of what the truth setting us free is all about (John 8:32).

You'll hear insights, perceptions, emotions, and observations you may have never expected. When people feel truly free to tell you the truth, they tend to be quite honest but also quite loving. Remember, you safe person has heard you take the initiative to ask for the truth. There exists no concrete wall of denials to break through.

Enter into ForgivenessSafe people are very forgiving people. They have given up on the idealistic demand that they, or anyone else, will be perfect in this life. They know that they continually need divine and human "debt-cancellations." And they expect failure and disappointment from those they love, It's normal in their universe, something to be accustomed to.

They are familiar with the losses and sins of this world. They don't fight it or become indignant or bitter. They know that's just the way a post-Fall, pre-eternity world is. They know that loving is much more important than holding onto the past.

Learn to be "two-sided" in forgiveness. Use your time with your safe people to learn the skills of forgiveness.

Learn to receive forgiveness. When we are forgiven in our relationships, we truly know what it is to be "home." Being forgiven for our sins, weaknesses, imperfections, and badnesses means reconciliation. It means that someone else knows and doesn't condemn us.Receiving forgiveness allows us to integrate judged and condemned parts of ourselves. As we experience someone outside who accepts us as we are, we begin to accept the realities of who we are also. In other words, the parts of our soul stop fighting and trying to kill each other. They start working together, as the gears mesh in a finely tuned machine.Here are some skills of receiving forgiveness:

Learn to apologize.

Learn to feel empathy for the pain you cause others, rather than guilt.

Learn to admit your faults without rationalizing or making excuses.

Learn to ask, "Will you forgive me for hurting you?"

Learn to take in forgiveness without attempting to make up for your fault, or to pay for your trespass.

Learn to accept the love that knows we are frail, and loves us still.

Learn to give forgiveness. Forgiven people become forgiving people. When your safe people look you in the eye and say, "you are forgiven," the relief, love, and gratitude are immense. You become a champion for forgiveness.

The good news about giving forgiveness is that it's not really about the person who hurt you. Forgiveness does free the perpetrator, even though he may be unrepentant, in denial, or dead. But at a deeper lever, the person whom forgiveness frees is you.

Give Something BackSo far, we've laid out the five emotional and spiritual character growth tasks that safe relationships were made for. They build us up, mature and repair us, and most importantly, help reestablish God's image in us. But there's more to life than being helped.
When we receive all that goodness inside us, gratitude takes over. Just like when we're forgiven, we feel a responsibility to give to others what we've taken in.

Now, restrain the urge to anxiously try to figure out what in the world you can give. It's pretty simple, really. We are limited to giving what we have received, and no more. There will be needs you can't meet in your safe people, and places they need to go spiritually where you haven't yet set foot. God has someone else ready to help them.

ConclusionTo become a safe person, you need to practice these steps over and over again: ask for help, learn to need, work through resistances, invite the truth about yourself, enter into forgiveness, and give something back. These steps will keep us busy for a long, long time. But this is work that has meaning and purpose. It is work that will reap wonderful spiritual and emotional fruit for us and others.

Taken from Safe People, © Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend, Zondervan 1995

How People Grow - Cloud Townsend Resources

How People Grow - Part 1

"Harder than I thought"
It was my first day on the job in a Christian psychiatric hospital. I was like a kid on Christmas morning. I had been taking college and seminary glasses and reading all that I could get my hands on about Christian counseling for about four years, and I was ready to put my knowledge into practice. I showed up at the medical center in Dallas early that morning all geared up to teach the patients how to find the life I know awaited them as soon as they learned the truth I had been taught.

I looked down the hall, and a woman in a pink bathrobe walked out of her room. She extended her arms outward and exclaimed, "I am Mary, Mother of God!"

Now think about it. Here I am, brand new at Christian counseling, thinking all I had to do was come in and tell people God loved them. If they would understand more of what he has said, they would be well. But when I heard what this woman said, I thought: This is going to be harder than I thought. It was a thought I would have many times in the year to come.

Four Models of How People Grow
In Christian circles at the time I was beginning training, there were basically four popular ways of thinking about personal growth: the sin model, the truth model, the experiential model, and the supernatural model.

The sin model said that all problems are a result of one's sin. If you struggled in your marriage or with an emotional problem such as depression, the role of the helper was to find the sin and confront you urging you to confess, repent, and sin no more. If you did that, you were sure to get better. I was like many three-point sermons you may have heard in Bible churches:

1. God is good.
2. You are bad.
3. Stop it.

The truth model held that the truth would set you free. If you were not "free," if some area of your life were not working, it must be because you lacked "truth" in you life. So the helper's role was to urge you to learn more verses, memorize more Scripture, and learn more doctrine (particularly in your "position in Christ"), and then all of the truth would make its way from your head to your heart and ultimately into your behavior and emotions. Passages that emphasize knowing truth, renewing your mind, and how you "think in your heart" became a new theology of "thinking truth to gain emotional health."

The experiential model held that you had to get to the pain in your life-find the abuse or the hurt-and then somehow "get it out." Proponents of the more spiritual versions of this model either took the pain to Jesus or took Jesus to the pain. In a kind of emotional archaeology, people would dig up hurts from the past and seek healing through prayer or and clearing out the pain. This model emphasized Jesus' ability to transcend time; he could be there with you in your pain or abuse and could change it.

The supernatural model had many variations. Charismatics sought instant healing and deliverance; others depended on the Holy Spirit to make the change happen as he lived his life through them. Exchanged life people (those who held that you just get out of the way so Christ can reproduce his life in you) as well as other very well-grounded students of the spiritual life trusted God to lead them and make changes in them.

While I saw value in all four models—and practiced all four to some degree—it wasn't difficult for me to decide which one made the most sense. After all, I was heavily into theology and studying the Bible, learning doctrine, and knowing everything I could about God and the faith. I have always been a big believer in the authority of the Bible. So I found the most truth in the truth model. I found enormous security in learning about God's plan for life, his sovereignty, my position in him, and the doctrines of forgiveness, justification, and the security of the believer. I believed in the power of the Bible and knew that God's truth could change any life. I knew that if I could just teach others the same things and encourage them to know the truth as I was learning it, they would find the same kind of growth I had discovered.Yet, at the medical center I saw people who had walked with God for years and many who knew more about God's truth than I did. These people had been diligent about prayer, Bible study, and other spiritual disciplines. Nevertheless, they were hurting, and for one reason or another, they had been unable to walk through their valley.

To deal with marital, parenting, emotional, and work struggles, people tried the things they had been taught, and felt as though these spiritual answers had let them down. I began to feel the same way. Again the realization hit me: This is going to be harder than I thought.

The Failure of the Truth Model
I would teach people about God's love, but their depression would not go away. I would teach them about the crucified life, and their addictions would remain. They would focus on their "security in Christ," yet their panic attacks would be unyielding. I was discouraged about the power of "supernatural interventions" as well as my chosen profession.

Don't misunderstand. It wasn't that people weren't getting better and gaining some relief from these methods. They were. I often saw people improve. Prayer, learning Scripture, and repentance were very powerful elements in healing many clinical conditions. But something was missing. The feeling that "there has to be more" nagged at me.

Four things specifically bothered me again and again:
1. Spiritual methods didn't solve some problems.
2.Life problems were often "helped" but not "cured"; spiritual interventions often only helped people to cope better.
3. Sincere, righteous, diligent, and mature Christians hit a ceiling in some area of life growth.
4. Spiritual growth grounded in good theology should be helping to solve these problems a lot more than it was.

Then something happened in the next four to five years that turned my world upside down. I saw people grow past their stuck places. I saw the things I had gone into the field to see. I saw real change. Instead of seeing depressed people coping better with depression, I saw depressed people grow out of their depression. Instead of seeing people with eating disorders cope better with their eating disorders, I saw them get over them altogether. Instead of seeing people with relational problems cope better, I saw them grow in their ability to be intimate and make relationships work. I saw processes that actually changed people's lives; I found the "something more" I had been looking for. People were growing past their "ceilings."

There was one big problem: What helped people grow did not seem to be what I had been taught was the "Christian" way to grow. It involved deep transformations of the soul that I had never seen. So I was faced with a dilemma.

It seemed to me that there was the spiritual life, where we learned about God and grew in our relationship to him, and then there was the emotional and relational life, where we learned how to solve real-life problems. But it made no sense to me that there were answers other than spiritual ones. My theology taught me that God answers all of life's problems. We suffer because we live in a fallen world. God has redeemed the world, and as the Bible says, he has given us everything pertaining to life (2 Peter 1:3) How could there be spiritual growth and then "other" growth?

I could not live a divided life. Therefore, I studied the Bible again to find an answer to the guiding question of my life: How does spiritual growth address and solve life's problems?
What I found was amazing. I saw that everything I had been learning that helped people grow was right there in the Bible all along. All the processes that had changed peoples' lives were in the pages of Scripture. The Bible talked about the things that helped people grow in relational and emotional areas as well as spiritual ones. I was ecstatic. Not only was the Bible true, but what was true was in the Bible!

Spiritual growth is not only about coming back into a relationship with God and each other, and about pursuing a pure life, but it is also about coming back to life-the life that God created for people to live. This life of deep relationship, fulfilling work, celebration, and more gives us the life we desire and solves our problems.

How People Grow - Part 2

The Big Picture - Act One: Creation
Many times, in the process of helping people grow (or in our own growth), we forget the big picture of what God is doing in the human race. We get caught up in the particulars of helping someone restore his or her emotional or spiritual health, heal a hurting marriage, or make life work, and we lose sight of the bigger picture.

But there really is a big picture. It is the story of God and his creation that was lost, and of his work to restore it to himself. This big picture is very important as we think about entering into the specifics of people's lives; we must not lose sight of what God is doing in the world.

Many times we forget the way things should be, and we forget what we are trying to accomplish in helping people grow. We focus on the wrong issues. We zero in on the "problem," such as depression or intimacy, as though this problem were the main issue. Or we hammer in on a pattern of behavior we think is the sin behind the struggle, and we think that if we can get the person to be good enough, then we have helped him or her.

This thinking happens not only when we help people with personal problems, but also when we preach, teach, disciple, or encourage people to engage in spiritual disciplines. We speak to problems and "symptoms" or try various religious formulas, and we miss the real life-changing dynamics of the "ministry of reconciliation." After all, it is far easier to focus on a particular problem in someone's life, or to focus on his or her particular way of "missing the mark," than it is to figure out the ways that the Fall is still operative in the person's life and discover a redemptive path that will "reconcile" his or her life. We focus on the symptom and not the root issue.

But the call to reconcile people to God (2 Corinthians 5:18-19) is a call to address the root issue. We are not just to help others "feel better" or relate better or perform better. And God forbid, we are not just to try to get them to "do better" either. This is the essence of the pharisaical life. But as Paul said, we have been given this "ministry of reconciliation." We are to be working with God as he reconciles all things "to himself."

The question then becomes "What are we trying to reconcile?" First, we are obviously trying to get people back into a relationship with God. But beyond that, we generally see only two other emphases; one is to reconcile people to each other, and the other is to reconcile people to the idea of holiness and pure living. For many, these three emphases constitute the ministry of reconciliation. Great life changes and healing are to be had when these three things occur.
But there is more to be done. Spiritual growth is not only about coming back into a relationship with God and each other, and about pursuing a pure life, but it is also about coming back to life-the life God created for people to live. This life of deep relationship, fulfilling work, celebration and more, gives us the life we desire and solves our problems. As Paul says, we are "separated from the life of God" (Ephesians 4:18). We must be reconciled to life the way it was created to work. The essence of the book How People Grow covers how we believe this process works. But to get started let's take a look at the way God created life (Creation), what happened to that life (the Fall), and what God has said about getting it back (Redemption).

Act One: Creation

Big Idea #1 - God is the Source

In the beginning there was God, and God created the heavens and the earth. Everything starts out with God as the Source. This is point number one in the Bible, and this is point number one in our theology of growth as well. Nothing was created before God, and everything that exists came from him. This includes all the "stuff" of life—the resources, the principles, the purposes, the meaning—everything!

After making the "stuff," God made humankind and breathed life into them (Genesis 2:7). We have to understand this to mean that it includes bringing life to dead situations in our lives. God is not only Creator but also re-creator of life. It becomes the system of how one overcomes a depression or heals a marriage or rescues a failing business career. It is how God works with us to bring a marriage or career back to life.

Big Idea #2 - Relationship
When God created humans, he put them into relationship, first with him and then with each other. God made people for himself and for one another. Adam depended on a relationship with God for life. But even with that relationship, he needed human connection as well. As God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). Man was incomplete with God alone. So we see at the outset that relationship was at the core of the way things were created. The relationship was designed to be vulnerable and open, without duplicity and without brokenness or breach.

Big Idea #3 - God is the Boss
Relationships were not just tossed in a bowl like a salad. There was an order to them. First of all, in the relationship between God and humans, God was the Boss, the Authority. Not only was he the Source-but he was also in charge. He spelled out what people could do and enjoy, and what they shouldn't do. He wanted them to take care of the garden and have a good time. But he also gave them a warning about exceeding the role he had given them. There were limits. He gave the limits because he knew that exceeding those limits would actually cause death. Life and submission to God were one and the same.

Big Idea #4 - Roles of God, Roles of People
We have distinctly different roles in this order of creation. Let's look at those roles.

God's role was to be the source; our role was to depend on the source. God's role was to provide and our role was to receive. Our role was to be a dependent one. Independence is not an option for us. God existed without us, not vice versa. So the role we must take in life is not only for dependency, but also against self-sufficiency. Our role is to recognize our limits and to transcend those limits by looking outside our ourselves for life.

The same limitation applies to our relationship with each other. We are limited in our ability to provide what we need for ourselves without another person to relate to. We need other people and cannot live independently from them either. The results of trying to live apart from our need for others is disastrous and never works. We must depend on the outside for love.

God's role was to be in control; our role was to yield to God's control of the world and to control our self. God had done the creating; Adam and Eve could not control that. God had placed them in the garden; they did not control the environment in which they found themselves. God was in control of the universe and what happened. He was in charge of the big picture. So many of people's problems come from trying to control things outside of their control, and when they try, they lose control of themselves. Our control of the "big picture" was limited. In fact, we had none. But we did have control of our own behavior, and we were to exercise that responsibly.

God's role is to be in control of the big picture, and our role is to be in control of our self and our responsibilities.

God was the judge of life; we were to experience life. Another role God had was to know good from evil. He had that role and did not want it passed on to humanity. He did not want humans to know what he knew about evil or have to judge it. He simply wanted us to live the good life: doing good, enjoying good.

God made the rules; we were to obey them. God designed life the way it was supposed to be and the rules on how to live it. We were to obey them. God did not consult us on setting up the rules and the design of life. He just made the reality and then told us to obey it.

The Whole PackageIf you think about it, this was pretty much the life everyone is looking for: a great place to live, the perfect mate, lots of good things to occupy your time, and a job that fits your makeup.

If these things had remained in place, there would be no need for this website. We would not need to think about how people grow or how to overcome life's problems. We would still be in the garden experiencing life as it was designed, and we would not even be aware of what life would look like any other way. But this did not happen. Instead of remaining the innocent crown of creation, we took a great tumble, which brings us to Act Two, where we try to gain independence, take control, become the judge, and make our own rules.

How People Grow - Part 3

The Big Picture - Act Two: The Fall
Spiritual growth is not only about coming back into a relationship with God and each other, and about pursuing a pure life, but it is also about coming back to life—the life God created for people to live. This life of deep relationship, fulfilling work, celebration and more, gives us the life we desire and solves our problems. As Paul says, we are "separated from the life of God" (Ephesians 4:18). We must be reconciled to life the way it was created to work. The essence of the book How People Grow covers how we believe this process works. But to get started let's take a look at the way God created life (Creation), what happened to that life (the Fall), and what God has said about getting it back (Redemption).

Last time we talked about Act One: The Creation, this time let's look at what happened when the created order was reversed in Act Two: The Fall.

Act Two: The Fall

Reversing the Order
The next act in the cosmic drama happened after Creation. Adam and Eve did not continue in the design that we saw earlier. They decided that God's design was not for them and that they would do things their own way. In one fell swoop, they reversed the entire created order.
The Tempter came along and told them they could live apart from God, have control of their own lives, and have it in their own way. They could be to themselves all that God was to have been to them.

But, as we know, this was a lie. The man and woman did not become like God at all. Instead, in trying to become God, they became less of themselves. This is why we need spiritual growth. We have become less than we were created to be.

In short, they lost it all. They lost themselves, each other, and the life they were created to have. They overturned the entire design and look what happened:

They became independent from the Source. When Adam and Eve ate from the tree, they moved away from God and tried to gain life apart from him. They thought they could get knowledge and wisdom apart from the Source. They no longer needed him and had taken a step away from their role of dependency.

They lost their relationships. In addition to becoming independent from God, they lost their relationship with him as well as with each other. This is what death is. When God said they would die, he meant that they would be separated from him who is life. The relationship and intimacy they had with their Creator was lost: they had become separated from him.

They also lost their other primary relationship, the one with each other. Instantly they became "naked and ashamed" and covered themselves with fig leaves. Their intimacy and vulnerability had been lost, and their ability to trust each other and have good relationship was lost. From that point one, we see humans trading trust, fairness, love and honesty with each other for alienation, unfairness, adversarial relationships and dishonesty. Love became much harder to find and sustain.

They reversed the structure and order. In the creation, God was on top, and Adam and Eve answered to his authority. But in the Fall, humans tried to usurpt that structure and become their own boss. They tried to become "like God." In short, they became self-sufficient, controlling people who were judgmental and lived by their own rules.
They reversed the roles.Here are the roles as God created them:
God
Humans
He is the Source.
We depend on him.
He is the Creator.
We are the creation and cannot exist unto ourselves.
He has control of the world.
We have control of ourselves.
He is the judge of life.
We are to experience life.
He designed life & its rules.
We obey the rules and live the life he designed.
Here is a snapshot of how the roles changed after the Fall:
The Desire
The Result
We are the source.
We depend on ourselves.
We are the creator.
We exist unto ourselves.
We have control of the world.
We try to control our world and lose control of ourselves.
We design life and the rules.
We live any way we want to.

In the Fall, humans tried to reverse these created roles in their attempt to become like God. We, as the offspring of Adam and Eve, stopped depending on God and tried to become the source of life for ourselves. We stopped seeing ourselves as creatures and acted as if we could live apart from our Creator. We desired to control things we could not control, including each other, and we lost control of ourselves. We tried to become the judge, and we ended up being judgmental instead; we lost our ability to experience life and each other by exercising the very judgment we desire. We stopped obeying God's design and rules and made up our own.

In other words, Adam and Eve tried to become God, and in the process they lost themselves. In trying to become what they could never be—God—they lost their ability to be what only they could be—themselves. And we have been search for ourselves ever since.
Fortunately, God did not allow things to stay that way. He had another plan.

How People Grow - Part 4

The Big Picture - Act Three: Redemption
God in Christ is "reconciling" all things. He was and is bringing it all back to the way it is supposed to be. He redeemed, or got back, his creation and is putting it all back in place. How did he do this?

God paid the price to gain it all back. The holy God required the death penalty for the sin of humankind. And as the Bible tells us, he laid all of this sin upon Jesus (Isaiah 53:5-6). This paved the way for God to have it all back and return everything to its rightful order. This is what redemption does for each and every human who applies it to his or her life. This application of redemption is the process of growth itself. It is the returning of everything to its rightful, "righteous" place before God. This is why, in our view, to solve life's problems and to grow spiritually are one and the same thing.

Let's look at what the return to the rightful place looks like and what the path of how people grow will look like as well.

Return to the Source
In redemption, we come back to God as the source of life. We retreat from our independence from him and our attempt to be "self-made." We see that to make life work, we must turn to the One who makes life work. As we "seek first the kingdom of God," we see that all the things of life are "added unto us" (Matthew 6:33). God is the one who adds life.

Also we find that God is the source of healing and growth. How many self-improvement paths end up in despair until someone finds God? In redemption, we find that God will be the source of healing and growth if we will turn to him. True growth begins with realizing that we are "poor in spirit" and from this humble position reaching out to God and receiving all that he had for us (Matthew 5:3). When we realize that God is the source, we realize that we are impoverished, and this puts us into a position to receive from him.

So redemption helps us get to the end of our attempt to provide for ourselves. Instead, we turn to God for strength, truth, healing, care, correction, and a whole host of other things. But none of these are available to those who are still trying to provide them for themselves.

Return to Relationship
To return to the created order means to get back into relationship with God and with each other. As Jesus said, all of the commandments can be summed up in the two greatest commandments—loving God and loving others (Matthew 22:37-40). Everything in life depends on these two relationships.

Redemption puts us back into those two relationships. First, it reconciles us into a relationship with God through faith and forgiveness, re-establishing a connection. Second, redemption brings us back to the rightful restoration of connectedness with others as it stresses love, caring for one another, forgiving one another, teaching one another, etc. Without restoration of relationship with each other, we would still be in a state of alienation and not able to have the connections that provide the things we need to live and to grow. Redemption reverses our alienation and isolation from each other and gets us rightly reconnected.

Return to Order
Redemption is also a "surrender" to God as Lord. As Jesus said, the first and the greatest commandment is to love God first. It is the commandment that makes all the others work, for it is the one that ensures I am going to do it all his way. If I do it his way, life will be better. To reverse the Fall means to live under submission to him, thus reversing the rebellion against his rulership in my life. So, when I want to do destructive things, he tells me not to do them. Being redeemed, I listen and obey. Since this is difficult on my own power, redemption gives me two new sources of power to help me in this newfound obedience. I have God as a source of power, and I have others to support me. It is no longer just my sinful, rebellious nature and me. I have a new nature in me, one that is empowered by God to follow God and submit to him. I also have a body of people to help me to do that as well. For the first time since the Fall, I am in a position to obey God and submit to him.

Return to the Roles
In the Fall, we reversed the roles of humankind and God. We tried to fulfill his roles and then lost our ability to fulfill the ones we were created for. In redemption, we reconcile things to the way they were supposed to be.

We become dependent and give up our independent stance before God and others.

We give up trying to control things we cannot control and yield to and trust God's control. Also, we regain control of what we were created to control in the first place—ourselves. We regain the fruit of "self-control."

We give up the role of playing judge with others and ourselves. So, by not being God, we are free to be who we truly are, and allow others to be who they truly are as well.

We stop redesigning life and making new rules and instead, live the life God designed us to live.
What God does in redemption and in our growth is so simple. At the same time, it is complicated and profound. Often, we don't even recognize these simple issues as they play out in our lives and relationships.

The questions we want to answer in our book How People Grow are: How does the fall of mankind cause our problems? And how does the redemptive process God set up cause us to grow and resolve life's issues? Perhaps these are questions you've been asking. If so, you may be interested in getting a copy of How People Grow.

How People Grow - Part 5

The God of Grace
One of the biggest obstacles of growth is our view of God. If we are going to grow in relation to God, then we must know who God is and what he is really like. I have been amazed—in my own life as well as in the lives of others, at how unnatural it is for us to see God as he really is. In fact, one of Jesus' main emphases was to show people how their concept of God was way out of whack.

Jesus had been on a mission to show people what God was really like. "Immanuel"—one of the names given to Jesus—means "God with us." And when Jesus walked the earth, he showed us a very different God than we might expect.

A True View of God
People do not grow until they shift from a natural human view of God to a real, biblical view of God. The first aspect of that shift has to be the shift from a God of law to the God of grace. People must discover that God is for them and not against them. This is what it means to have a God of grace.

Many Christians misunderstand grace; even those who are helping people grow. Often people think that grace means forgiveness or the absence of condemnation. And the God of grace is the one who forgives. But while forgiveness is an expression of the grace of God, grace is much bigger than just forgiveness. Theologically, grace is unmerited favor. This definition has two important implications:

Favor means that God is for us and not against us. He is on our side and desires good for us and not evil.

His favor cannot be earned, and even if it could be, we do not have the means with which to earn it. We cannot merit it. Therefore, he will freely give us things we cannot provide for ourselves.
Practically, these two implications of grace undergird the entire growth process. To grow, we need things that we do not have and cannot provide, and we need to have a source of those things who looks favorably upon us and who does things for us for our own good.
Grace teaches that God is inclined to help us in our failure and that he sees our inability as part of reality and he is not mad at our weakness. In fact, he calls it a "blessed" state, our being unable to do what we need to do (Matthew 5:3; 2 Corinthians 12:9-12). Imagine that!
Getting to the Need for Grace

To get people to a place of grace they must experience a need first. They must be aware of death. Sometimes we must help people get to a "death experience" for grace to take effect and growth to begin. We must let them (and sometimes help them) reach the end of themselves and find out that things really are bad. This is contrary to what many counselors, groups, and teachers do. We live in an age of people wanting to feel good and avoid pain, and sometimes we construct ministries geared to making people feel good about themselves.

John and I once felt very understood and validated when a man told us, "I think I get it. The ministry I used to go to was into winning, and you guys are into losing!" We laughed but we knew what he was getting at. We had been talking to him about facing the fact that all of his attempts at success and building "self-esteem" were taking him farther away from the answer to his problems. He had to get to a place where he faced how bad things really were; things were not going to get better until he saw that reality. This is what addicts call "hitting bottom." It is the realization that one has come to the end of himself. Some have called it "ego death."
In your work with people, you have to be an executioner, showing them that all of their efforts have not worked and they need to die to trying. To get people to give up is very hard, but it must be done so that they can try God instead.

Confrontation is an important tool to get someone to see his inability to change and to see his need for help. Many people are too softhearted; they give encouragement to someone who needs discouragement instead. To encourage a powerless person to try harder is one of the worst things you could possibly do. The best thing you can do is to discourage him from believing that he can do it on his own. People will never get to the end of themselves unless they see themselves as failing.

Putting Grace and Truth Together
In summary, we have seen how a relationship with God affects growth. First for growth to occur, we have to seek. We have heard Jesus' words to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness so that life could be added to us. Spiritual growth is the foundation of any kind of "life building."

Second, we need to know the God we seek. In desiring to find God, we often to not have a true view of his grace. We sometimes see him as a religious standard that we must live up to and we fail to see his acceptance for who we truly are. Or, more commonly in the evangelical world, although we see God as the God of grace, the view of grace that guides us is basically one of forgiveness. Grace that leads to true transformation though, is one of unmerited favor—the understanding that God is truly for us and that he will provide what we cannot provide for ourselves. Grace means that we receive the gifts we need for growth to occur. We don't "will-power" our way there.

Third, grace does not come easily and we do not naturally recognize it. It only comes in the classroom of God's law. We encounter the law of God, either through realizing our failure to attain his standard and thus our need for his grace. Or, through experiencing the consequences of our lives fall short of the standard. Either way we die to self. We must realize we have failed and we have no hope of reaching the life we desire in and of ourselves. Then after that, the law of God guides us—empowered by grace to structure life as it was created to be. His principals are a "lamp unto our feet."

How People Grow - Part 6

The Holy Spirit
What if Jesus came to your house today for a visit, and you told him you wanted to grow. What would you expect him to do? Heal you? Teach you? Challenge you? Give you new talents? Think about it.

I can come up with many things I would want him to do, and I can think of a number of things I might expect him to do, but one of the last things I would expect him to say is, "Oh, you want to grow? Well, if that is what you want, I will have to leave. See you later." And I would never expect him to walk away. Wouldn't this be a strange way for him to produce growth in us?
But that is exactly what Jesus did. For reasons we do not fully understand, Jesus decided to go to heaven and work on us from there. He sent the Holy Spirit to be with us and produce the growth and change we seek. He said that this is better than his being here himself. Given this information, think of how incredible it is to have the Holy Spirit in our lives.

So what are we to do with the Holy Spirit?When I first began my path of growth, I wondered one day if God wanted to have anything to do with me anymore. I prayed, and God did not seem to answer me; my hurts and pains were not quickly going away. I thought God had left me.
In the midst of these thoughts I remember a pastor telling me, "If God were through with you, you would not be worried about it or wanting to have anything to do with him. The desire you feel for him and for growth can only come from him and his Spirit. If you are moving toward God, it's because he's moving toward you. Rest in this fact. If you want him, he is looking for you."

God not only begins a process in us, wooing us to him, but also pushes our growth to completion. If we feel some desire toward completion, God has not given up on us. He is still wooing, revealing light, and working to make us whole. Knowing his Spirit is at work in you is a very good place to begin working on any issue in life. So the first point of how the Holy Spirit operates in our life is this: The Spirit begins the process of growth by wooing us to Jesus, and he is working to finish the task.

Last week, in the feature article on The God of Grace we talked about the importance of knowing that God is for us and not against us. In any relationship, to grow and change we must first know we are secure. Our relationship with God is no different. How can we know we belong to him? How can we be sure we are secure?

The Holy Spirit is the one who gives us this security. After bringing us to a relationship with God, he locks the door behind us. Just as Noah locked the door of the ark to save a remnant of life from the flood, the Holy Spirit locks the door of our saving "ship," our relationship with Jesus.

When we put our trust in Jesus, we enter the boat, so to speak, and the door is sealed behind us. Through the sealing work of the Holy Spirit, God himself protects us to be always his. This has wonderful implications for the growth process. We cannot work on the real issues of our lives if we are insecure in our relationship with God. Because of the work of the Holy Spirit sealing us in him, we can stop worrying.

One way to help someone know that this has happened in her life is to ask her what she believes about Jesus. If she believes he is the Christ and she trust him forgiveness, then this is proof she has been sealed with the Holy Spirit. The Bible says we can only believe if we are born of the Spirit, if he is inside us.

After we know we are secure, then what? I wish I had a formula to give you about how the Holy Spirit works in the rest of life. It feels as if I have read everything ever written by those who say they do know the formulas, and I've tried almost everything I've read. All I can say is that in my experience, the formulas have mostly failed me. The Holy Spirit cannot be controlled.
But when we think about it, this makes perfect sense and also fits what the Bible says, for the Holy Spirit is a Person, not a thing. We can't reduce the work of the Holy Spirit to a formula. What we can do is what the Bible tells us to do: Ask for him to be in our lives and to help us. God promises us that if we ask him for the Spirit, he will come. Basically, if there is a formula to how the Spirit works in our lives, this is it. It is to seek him, ask for him, and then follow him.
The best way to think about the Holy Spirit and growth is to think about a moment-by-moment relationship of dependency on him. We depend on him to guide us, lead us, talk to us, reveal truth to us, empower us to do what we can't do, give us gifts to be able to give to others what they need, and many other things. But all this happens in an "abiding" sort of way. We yield to him and follow. We open up our hearts and begin to be "filled" with him. We ask him to invade all that we are and to work in us. In a sense, we give ourselves to him as we live out the life of growth.

Therefore, in light of the growth processes we encounter, life in the Spirit means that we do not "do growth" without him. It also means that he does not do growth "without us." The miracle of the Holy Spirit's invasion of our lives is that he is at work within us to change us, to lead us and to guide us, but there is still an "us."

Paul said in Galatians 2:20, "I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." What a paradox.

The important thing to remember is this: The Spirit-filled life is a supernatural life that surpasses our strengths and abilities. We can depend on that. The Spirit has promised it. But his does not mean that we do not have to do anything. We still have to step out in faith. We have to risk. We have to love, open up, confess, reach out, repent, obey and do all the other things we are commanded to do. Our part is to live the life. But we do not have to do it alone or in our own power. We are partners with the Spirit.

One thing is sure, the Holy Spirit cannot lead us any further unless we take the first step to follow him into the truth he is showing us. If he shows me an issue I have to deal with, then I have to take the steps to deal with it. If he shows me a sin, I have to deal with that. He leads, we follow. That is "keeping in step with the Spirit." It is a relationship we follow step by step.

How People Grow - Part 7

Guilt and Forgiveness
Is what you know in your head about forgiveness different from what you feel in your soul? Do you still feel guilty about something you have done even though you know you are forgiven?
You are not alone. I have talked to many people who ask God for his forgiveness, receive it, and then find they cannot feel it. They try to feel forgiven, but instead find that, even though the Bible says they are forgiven, guilt plagues them for a long time.

Sadly, they do not know what to do other than what they have tried. That is, to ask God again for forgiveness and to read what he has said. So they pray and read over and over again 1 John 1:9, which says, "If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong." This helps for a moment, but when the guilt remains, they often do not know what to do.

The bottom line is that there is "theological" guilt that comes from being separated from God, and this guilt can be resolved by being reconnected to God through Jesus. This theological guilt was total and legal. The resolution is also total and legal. We go from being guilty before God to not guilty before God just by believing. Separation from God equals guilty, and reconciled equals not guilty. This is the theology of guilt in the Christian faith. Therefore, since Christians believe, and belief is what gets rid of guilt, a "guilty Christian" is a theological oxymoron.

But what if you still feel guilty?
The Bible talks about our legal standing before God, and about how God feels toward us. But, it does not talk much about how we feel within ourselves in relation to this problem of guilt. How we feel in response to how God sees us is the other side of the guilt equation. In this way, our relationship to God is like any other relationship. A husband, for example, can love his wife deeply, but this does not ensure that his wife is going to "feel" loved. She may be deeply cared about and accepted and yet unable to experience the love her husband has for her.
Have you ever been in a relationship where someone needed constant reassurance of your love? Your loved one asked you over and over again if you cared, and no matter what you did to show your love, it did not get through. After a while, you realized that your reassurances were not all that was needed to help the other person. She had a problem in her heart. She had a block to feeling loved. To tell her a thousand more times would not completely solve the problem. If she were ever going to feel your love, she was going to have to find out what inside of her was keeping her from feeling it.

It is the same with our relationship with God. Our hearts can condemn us even when God does not. So we have to ask, "What is wrong with our side of the equation? What are the conditions inside of us that prevent us from feeling forgiveness even when we are surely forgiven? This is the question we all have to ask if we struggle with guilt. Let's look at some of the answers.
Wrong TeachingThe first question I always ask someone who is struggling with guilt is, "What do you know about what the Bible teaches?" After working with many Christians over the years, I've been amazed at how many do not know what I have just written above. Many are taught that we are forgiven until we sin again and then we have to be forgiven all over again. Then they struggle with whether or not their confession was good enough. The Bible does not say that we go into a state of guilt when we sin. In fact, it makes light of the old sacrificial system that could never relieve us of feeling guilty.

Some have never been taught how forgiven they are when they believe in Jesus. They truly have been forgiven "once and for all," and there is truly "no condemnation." So the first thing a person needs to understand is that if they are reconnected to God, through a relationship with Jesus, they are not guilty. Their problem may not be that their emotions are not following their knowledge. They just may not know in the first place.

In cases like this, it is crucial that people learn what the Bible really says about forgiveness and God's grace. Meditating on and memorizing Scripture verses about forgiveness and grace should be part of their regular diet until they understand what God says about "no condemnation." They need to be able to answer their internal accusations with God's truth.

Now let's look at some other causes of guilt.

False Standards
People who grow up with unrealistic standards from their parents, the media or the culture often have an "ideal" person in their head to which they compare themselves, and the result is relentless guilt or shame. Their perfectionistic standard beats them up daily. The reality is that we struggle to the degree that we should, given what has happened to us. As Jesus said, we are broken and sick and need a physician.

However, people have difficulty accepting their brokenness. And yet, the fact that we are broken is actually the standard the Bible tells us to use to judge ourselves. We need to remember our standard to judge ourselves is not an ideal standard; it is a broken standard—broken people. God remembers that standard when he measures us. He knows that we are a bunch of broken strugglers. Often we forget that.

Anytime I hear, I shouldn't feel depressed. Or, I should be making more progress; I know these clients are listening to the accusing voice of a false standard. While they may not want to be where they are forever, it's truly how they feel at the moment. There is a reason why they feel this way—the "shoulds" (how they think they should feel) won't change that reality. They must find the reason that they are where they are.

People who struggle with making a career or something in life work often operate under a different false standard. They expect to be able to do things on the first try, when the reality is that things take time and effort. When they hear stories from others about how hard it was to succeed and how many failures and false starts were endured, they can give themselves more grace. Testimonies and support groups are a great source of encouragement for people. They find that others did not just "arrive" at success but had to work very hard and fail many times to get there. In short, community "normalizes" failure.

One of the most destructive causes of guilt is emotional and spiritual isolation. The maxim to remember is this; an alone self is a bad self. If someone feels alone he or she is going to feel bad. The answer is not goodness or most self-esteem. The answer is love. This is the reason we have a gospel of reconciliation—of relationship with God and others, instead of a gospel of being "better people." For if we get reconciled, we will be better but we won't be obsessed with it. The "knowledge of good and evil" will not be the big issue. How well we are doing or how good we are will not enter our mind. But instead, the big issue will be love.

In the area of resolving guilt, make sure you are on a mission to end internal isolation. If you find people who feel "bad" about themselves, find the isolated part of their heart and give them grace, love and connection. If you do that you will cure a lot of the guilt.

This is one reason abuse victims feel so bad about themselves. The abuse has made getting close to others and trusting very difficult. Isolation takes over their soul. As a result they feel like a bad person, even when that is the farthest thing from the truth. Love will do away with that state. If people know they are loved, they are not afraid of their "badness." They feel accepted and safe, and they do not have to feel "good" about themselves to be safe. Love does that. In the Bible, the opposite of "bad" is not "good." It is love.

The good news is that Jesus said he did not come into the world to judge or condemn it. If this is true, how on earth did the institution he began turn into one of the guiltiest place on earth? This is a big problem. The one who came to end guilt, has it dished out in his name over and over. The Bible teaches there should be no guilt for the Christian. There should be the freedom of no condemnation, along with—and here's the kicker—deep concern for real problems and issues.
So as you work on your guilt or the guilt of others, remember that it is not the problem but rather, a symptom of being separated from love. The solution to this problem is always reconciliation to love.

How People Grow - Part 8

Suffering and Grief

Suffering
Suffering can be good. It can take us to places where one more season of "comfort" cannot. But suffering can also be terrible.

Destructive suffering inflicts evil on a person's heart and soul and is totally outside God's desire. Although God can bring good out of the experience, the experience itself is no good at all. But there is also therapeutic suffering or "growth suffering."

So the first thing to do is to distinguish between the destructive and the "growth" sufferings.
Good PainSome suffering does have value and produces growth. I call this good pain. We all have coping mechanisms that cover up pain, help us deal with fear, cope with relational inabilities and help us hold it all together. Trials and suffering push those mechanisms past the breaking point so we find out where we need to grow. Then true spiritual growth begins at deeper levels and we are healed. Righteousness and character take the place of coping.
This kind of suffering is good. It breaks down the "weak muscle" of the soul and replaces it with stronger muscle. In this suffering, the prize we win is character-a very valuable prize indeed.
Suffering is the path Jesus modeled for us, and he modeled how to do it right. He went through it all with obedience and without sin. This is the difference between those who suffer to a good end and those who suffer to no good end at all.

So, as you are working through things in your own life or are helping others, make sure that you teach and value this kind of suffering. Have people look a their trials with the questions, "What can I learn through this?" As James 1:5 says, have them look to God for wisdom to find out what steps of maturity and growth have to happen in their lives. If those steps are taken and completed, they will not have to take the same course again.

Bad PainDestructive suffering or "bad pain" comes from repeating old patterns and avoiding the pain it would take to change them. Suffering at the hands of someone else is not valuable at all, neither is this kind of pain. It is destructive and does not go anywhere good.

Many times people suffer because of their own character faults. Then other people come alongside them and give them comfort or a spiritual pep talk about how God is with them in this testing. They usually frame the experience as the testing of an innocent person. "Keep the faith," these people say, "and God will reward you for persevering."

The problem is that these people don't tell the sufferers that the suffering is the fruit of their own character and is of no value unless they see it as a wake-up call. This is bad pain. And bad pain is basically wasted pain. It is the pain we go through to avoid the good pain of growth that comes from pushing through. It is the wasted pain we encounter as we try to avoid grief and the true hurt that needs to be worked through. It is the wasted pain of trying to get a person to love us or approve of us instead of facing the loss of this love and moving on.

In too many support circles, people are supported in ways that do not make them face the growth steps they need to take to keep from repeating their mistakes. They are seen as victims and are then set up for failure all over again.

So, how do you embrace good pain and avoid bad pain? For those growing and those who minister to them the call is three-fold.

Do not refer to pain and suffering caused by poor character patterns as "growth pain." Unless you can use this pain as a wake-up call, it is worthless. If you see this as valid suffering, the pain will be wasted, and it will continue or return.

Help people own worthless pain so that it can be redeemed and turned into "good pain." If people can see the character patterns causing their pain, they can redeem and change them. If a pattern can be owned, a pattern can be changed. But as long as we mistakenly see it as "legitimate suffering by a victim," nothing good can happen.

Help convert worthless suffering into redemptive suffering. Help others see that they are not just victims. Help them to see instead that their suffering is coming from trying to avoid the legitimate pain of growth. It is a very human trait to try to avoid the suffering of discipline and growth. We all do it. But the wiser we become, the more we value the pain of growth and the more we despise the avoidance patterns in our lives.

Grief
Grief is the toughest pain we have to deal with. It is not worst human experience, because it leads to resolution. But it is the most difficult for us to enter into voluntarily, which is the only way to get into it. The rest of our human experience pretty much just happens to us: hurt, injury, anxiety, alienation and failure are awful experiences we try to avoid off and can't. They break through and we suffer. The difference with grief is that it does not "break through," but is something we enter into.

Unlike the rest of painful human experience, grief is the one that heals all the others. It is the most important pain there is. This is why God calls us to enter into it voluntarily. It heals. It restores. It changes things that have gone bad. It is the only place where we get comforted when things have gone wrong. So God tells us, "Go there."

Why is that? What is so special about grief? Why is it the "pain that heals?" Because grief is God's way of our getting finished with the bad stuff of life. It is the process by which we "get over it," by which we "let it go." Because it is the process by which things can be "over with," it becomes the process by which we can be available for new, good things. The soul is freed from painful experience and released for new, good experience.

The soul is designed to finish things. It is designed to grieve. Just as a computer is programmed to run a particular path, so our soul is designed to go down the path of grief. Be sad, and your heart can be made happy. Cry it out, and it will get out. It will be over.

If grief is the answer to so many of life's problems, why don't we just do it? If a sad face can make a heart happy, why don't we have "sadness parties?" Well, we do. They are called funerals. They are gatherings where we can be sad and begin to process our grief. Funerals were a regular part of God's family practices with the children of Israel, and we have continued that practice, although we have limited funerals severely.

In Israel there was a prescribed period of mourning and people were assigned to carry out the task. We usually only hold funerals when someone dies. But in the growth process, we need to grieve other things as well. The problem is we don't often see our experiences as losses. So we stay in denial or protest for a long time.

Another important reason people cannot grieve the way they need to is that they lack resources. In short, grief is a letting down and a letting go. And we cannot let down and let go if we are not being held up. If there is not enough love to sustain us, both inside and out, then we cannot let go of anything, even something bad.

This is the answer to the age-old problem that people ask every day, "Why doesn't she just let it go?" Or, "Why doesn't he just get over it?" The reality is that often they can't because they don't have the resources, either internal or external, to do it. A good analogy is the trapeze: You can only let go of one trapeze if there is another to grab on to. Or surgery: You can only go under the knife if there is life-support keeping you alive while the surgeon does her work.
We basically need two things for grieving. First, we need love, support and comfort. Second, we need structure. We need time and space for grieving. We need structured activities. This is why good support groups that meet at a regular time and do regular tasks are effective in getting people through grief. There is a time, a place, a space, an understanding, and some tasks to do that structure the experience.

This is why I tell people that God put tear ducts in our eyes. Grief is a relational experience, and your pain has to be seen eye to eye with another person. Someone should be looking at us when we are crying, and we should be looking at him or her. Then we know that we are not alone and our tears are seen and heard.

So in your own life and the lives of the people you help, grief may be the answer to your rut. It may be the answer to moving past the suffering. You may be denying a reality lost long ago. You may be protesting something that will never come true. Maybe it is time to give it up. Maybe it is time for you to mourn so that your heart can be made happy again.
To do that, however, you need to get out of the vacuum. You have to have support and structure to get to a new life. If you do, the dead truly are raised. The mourners truly are comforted. The Psalmist was right when he said, "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5) The Bible affirms and commands it, and science proves it to be true. There really is such a thing as "good grief."

How People Grow - Part 9

Spiritual Poverty
One day when John Townsend and I were meeting with a large Christian organization, the topic of small groups in the church came up. We strongly support and see much value in small groups. We were discussing the needs that groups meet, how they operate, and so on.

One of the executives in the organization asked, "What difference do you see between groups for people with problems and groups for normal people?"

John and I looked at each other and said, "There is just one kind of group."

This story illustrates a lingering problem in the church's view of spiritual growth. Just about everyone would agree that we all need to grow spiritually. We need to be close to God, love each other, read the Bible, and apply its truths. But many do not understand that a major reason to grow is that we are in a deep and severe state of neediness and incompleteness.

Spiritual PovertyWhether or not we have problems or struggles in life, we still need God and we need to know we are in the process of finding him. The Bible teaches that all of us (not just some of us) are in this state. Every person needs God's grace and mercy. By our very nature we are broken people with no hope except for God.

Not everyone is aware of his or her neediness. Jesus described those who are aware of their neediness as poor in spirit. He said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:3) The Greek for "poor in spirit" indicates a cringing beggar, absolutely dependent on others for survival. It's not a flattering picture of us. You don't see people in church greeting each other with—"Wow, you're such a cringing beggar, I'd like for you to mentor me." Yet, the kingdom of heaven belongs to those who experience their dependency.
Spiritual poverty is really about living in reality. A good way to understand this is to think of spiritual poverty as experiencing our state of incompleteness before God. This can be due to weaknesses, unfulfilled needs, emotional injuries and hurts at the hands of others, or our own immaturities and sins. It has to do with those parts of ourselves that are not what they should be and that we cannot repair in our own strength. When people experience at a deep level their neediness, incompleteness and dependency—the way they actually are—they are often overwhelmed. Spiritual poverty is really the cure for things like narcissism, self-righteousness, and a host of other problems. When our eyes are opened to our brokenness, we do not "feel better about ourselves"; rather, we feel that something is terribly wrong.

Yet Jesus called this a "blessed" condition because it helps us get closer to God. Our state of incompleteness drives us outside of ourselves to God as the source of healing and hope.
BrokenheartednessBrokenheartedness is related to spiritual poverty. It is the state of being wounded or crushed by some loss, person, hurt, injustice, or circumstance. When a person is downcast because of an emotional, relational, or career injury, he can be brokenhearted. God has special tenderness for this condition. Brokenheartedness often brings about a sense of our spiritual poverty as it shows us our need.

Now, I'm not saying that everyone with life problems is poor in spirit. Some are in denial. Others blame their problems on other people. Still others believe that, given enough time, they can solve their problems all by themselves. These people have not yet come to the end of themselves, to the humble acceptance of reality that causes them to grieve as a signal that they understand their position. What I am saying, however, is that those with life problems have more opportunities to recognize their need for God's healing, because the evidence is right there in front of them.

I am also not saying that those who don't experience problems are in denial. There are many believers who love God, have good marriages and relationships, and have reasonably good lives, without catastrophes. They aren't hiding anything. They aren't deceptive or mean people. But, they may lack poverty because they are not really in touch with their neediness.
The Richness that Spiritual Poverty BringsSpiritual poverty helps us grow because it is literally spiritual poverty. The Greek word for "spirit" used in Matthew 5:3 is the word indicating the spiritual dimension of life. In other words, the experience of poverty is both practical and spiritual. Being aware of our incompleteness orients us toward God and his ways. It draws us to the spiritual where he awaits us with love, truth, support and all we need to grow and repair.
Spiritual poverty is a rich part of the growth process. The more broken we are the more God can grow us up.

Poverty of spirit requires more of us than cognitively admitting that we are incomplete and needy. It also affects our entire being, especially our heart. Realizing our condition before God is an overwhelmingly emotional experience involving feelings such as dependence, grief and remorse. Psychologists call this being integrated. That is, having the heart and head in alliance with each other. God reminds us time and time again that he likes neediness.
Our life experiences might tell us to avoid a needy position. If so, take a faith step and open your soul up to God and safe people because spiritual poverty is the only way to be filled with what he has for us.

How People Grow - Part 10

Obedience
Obedience sounds so simple. You may hear people say, "Just trust and obey," "Just follow Jesus," or "Just obey the Bible." However, most people who have been into growth for any length of time know that these statements are more accurate when you remove the word just. This is because, although God helps us to obey him, obedience is anything but simple.

The Nature of Obedience
Few Christians would disagree that obedience is central to spiritual growth. Yet, Christians often misunderstand what biblical obedience really is. One of the central meanings of "to obey" in the Bible is "to hear." Hearing and doing what God says are deeply interrelated. When we hear God as he is, rather than how we want him to be, we move toward true obedience.

For spiritual growth purposes, a basic definition of obedience is to be God-directed, not self-directed. Obedience is to look outside ourselves for our purpose, values and decisions. This basic stance of life admits that God knows better than we do how to guide our steps because he designed us.

For many people, however, obedience means, "to be deprived and withheld from." They feel like all of life is simply adhering to the rules and being self-disciplined. In their eyes, God basically says, "Be really good, and don't do anything fun," offering no real benefit except maybe later in heaven.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Obedience leads to very good things for us today. As we travel down God's paths of conducting life, we reap many benefits. In fact, both survival and prosperity—major aspects of a good life—depend on obedience. Deuteronomy 6:24 says, "The Lord commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear the Lord our God, so that we might always prosper and be kept alive, as is the case today." The results of obedience and disobedience are very different. Isaiah 1:19-20 states, "If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best from the land; but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword."
How is this so? God designed life to be lived a certain way. When we follow his way, life works better. Some people compartmentalize obedience into their religious or moral lives. For them, obedience is relating to God and doing what is right. However, this view misses the full and comprehensive path God has for life. The Bible teaches and guides on all areas of life: gifts, ministry, money, sex, love, and so on. This is why people pursuing growth often feel as if they have "come alive" when they see that God speaks to their emotional, personal, and relational lives as well as their spiritual lives.

Not only does obedience deal with all of life, but it also encompasses all of us, both inside and out. Obedience is far more profound than simply refraining from external sins such as lying, stealing, and committing adultery, though it certainly includes those. Obedience has also to do with submitting our values, emotions, and hearts to Christ's lordship. In Matthew 22:37-38, Jesus asks for no less than total commitment, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." There is nothing more important, and nothing more demanding. In fact, it requires our lives, which then saves our lives.

Tasks Change as Maturity IncreasesSpiritual growth encounters another dimension of obedience. We are all called to follow God in the basic requirements of life: loving him and others, seeking God, being just, kind, and humbly walking with God, living by faith, etc. All these commands are related at their core in that we are being directed by God and his ways instead of by our own.

We all need to obey these commands; however, as we grow, our tasks in these areas change. Spiritual growth has stages and levels of development. Take the growth of relationship, for example. Someone who is very detached may be working on simply being emotionally present with others. Another person who is able to be close might be growing in his ability to be emphatic with others. Obedience is not a "one size fits all" proposition. God deals with us where we are and shows us our next step of growth.

FailureOne of the more obvious results of the Fall is that obedience is not continuous. We sin and fail in many ways. However, God's spiritual growth process takes this into consideration so that we can be restored and continue on the path. Even more, God uses our failures to help mature us.

The bad news is—failure is inevitable and failure is our fault. Yet, this is reality. Even as believers, no matter how hard we try not to, we will fail. Sin and immaturity cause us to miss the mark of God's standards for life. And even though failure is inevitable, it is still our fault and our problem.

Growth Approaches That Try to Solve the Failure Dilemma
One school of thought says that we don't have to fail. We can always be "victorious in Jesus" by making him truly Lord of our lives. Therefore, the person who fails has not totally surrendered to God. Although this can sometimes be the case, the reasoning here denies the reality that we are sinners throughout life. Adherents to this school of thought do not recognize struggle as normal and expected.

Another group teaches that the presence of sin is a sign of spiritual immaturity. It is not a surrender issue, but a growth issue. As you grow more, you sin less. Therefore the mature believer doesn't sin a lot. While we would agree that we should become more righteous as we mature, the Bible teaches that personal sin will always be present.

Still another group tries to resolve this dilemma by addressing the nature of failure itself. Although they will admit that failures happen, they will say that failure isn't so bad and that sin and mistakes don't carry a lot of moral weight. They have what is called a weak view of sin. They ignore the gravity of sin and failure.

A similar teaching is that though we fail, it is not really our fault. It is the fault of others who have made us what we are: our parents, hurtful relationships, society, the Devil, or even God himself. So when you fail, realize it is others who are to blame and try to heal from those hurts. As you heal and forgive, your failures resolve. We would certainly agree that our experiences with others, both loving and hurtful, greatly influence who we are and how we turn out in life. We would also agree that learning to forgive is very important. Yet we often fail simply because we choose to, and we are ultimately accountable for our decisions and choices.

The Bible's Solution to Failure—Repentance Our view of the Bible's teaching is stricter than the above four approaches. It is a pretty desperate situation to realize that we must fail, that our failure is a bad thing, and that we are held accountable. However, the good news is that this dilemma leads us straight into the arms of Jesus. We have a problem we cannot solve. His death is the solution for those who put their personal trust in his sacrifice for their sins. And all through life and growth, we learn to have faith in his love, forgiveness, and grace without resorting to our own devices. In this sense, our failure bears fruit in a deeper walk with him.
In spiritual growth, learn to expect failure. Don't be surprised by it, because God certainly isn't. Peter denied three times that he knew Jesus (Luke 22:34). Deal with failure as Peter did, by repenting. When we sin and stop obeying, we then obey by repenting. Repentance, the proper response to our failure, brings forth more growth, love, responsibility and fulfillment.

Simply put, repentance is a change of direction. It is a movement away from the destructive path back toward God's ways. It requires a great deal of humility, because we have to admit we are wrong. In repentance, our eyes are opened to our own sin, failure, and weakness, especially as compared with God's nature, and we gladly change our ways to better follow his paths.
Sources of ObedienceObedience requires an object-that is, we need to know what and whom to obey. The Bible has a great number of universal commands and principles for conducting our lives. However, the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20 and Jesus' two Great Commandments in Matthew 22, sum up the law. Learn these foundational laws as well as the many more specific principles found in Scripture. This is why Bible study and reading are so valuable, as they help unearth these principles of living.

Obedience, or God-directedness, is a lifelong process central to spiritual growth. Stay close to what God says regarding your ways, relationships and inner issues. Those who follow God's voice generally realize that it is ultimately the only way to go.

How People Grow - Part 11

Sin and the Growth Process
Back in the 1980s, I remember listening to a minister give his opinion on the recovery movement, which was becoming popular in the church. He was angry. People were getting off to lightly he thought and he was not going to stand for it. I can almost still hear his words today:
"What's all this stuff about people being 'powerless' over their addiction? Don't you know? This is not what the Bible says! People are free moral agents and responsible for their sin! Don't give me all this stuff about being powerless. People choose to sin, and they are responsible for their choices! It's just sin, sin, sin, period."

The minister was obviously upset at hearing people in recovery talk about Step 1 the 12 Step Process: "We admit that we are powerless over alcohol-that our lives have become unmanageable." To him, powerlessness was a cop-out. He thought this was letting people off the hook; they needed to admit they were choosing wrong and begin to choose right. They were sinning. They are not supposed to sin. So to him, the answer was clear: Stop it!

I remember thinking about all the addicts I knew who were listening, and I felt sorry for them. His was a message I was sure they had heard before, and it had not helped them very much.
At the same time I thought about both the truth and the error in what the preacher was saying. He was not wrong about addicts' choices being sin; nearly everyone agrees on that. But his statement that "people are free moral agents and responsible for their sin," is a loaded one. In this single statement lies much of the problem in how people both look at sin and try to help those struggling with it. The preacher was only half right. People are responsible for sin. People are moral agents.

But this is only part of the truth. The Bible does teach we are responsible and accountable for our sin. It is our problem and no one else's. But—and this would have been a surprise to the preacher—the Bible's message is much more devastating and convicting. For the Bible says not only that we are responsible for our sin, but also that we are powerless to keep from sinning. Think about that for a moment: we cannot change, and we are held responsible for not being able to change. This can only lead to one conclusion: Does anyone need a Savior?

I understand what the preacher was thinking, for it would seem that seeing ourselves as powerless and unable to change our lives would get us off the hook, a little like having a genetic illness, (like hemophilia) verses one caused by an unhealthy lifestyle (like cirrhosis of the liver). We usually have more empathy for someone with a genetic problem than we do for someone who has made destructive choices and has contributed to his own illness.

But when we add in the other half—that we are responsible for that which we can't change—we find ourselves in a much worse shape than the jail cell to which the preacher wanted to send people. In his thinking, people should go to "jail" for making bad choices, but they could avoid jail by choosing differently. And they could get out of jail by repenting and becoming better people. His "tough stance on sin" had a strange kind of hope in it. If we are agents who can choose, then let's just choose differently! Why allow any pattern in our lives to ever rule us again. Let's just do better. You can almost hear the motivational speech gather steam in the pews. "Stop being stupid! Don't let sin ruin your life anymore. Choose life! Make right choices and be successful."
In the "powerless and responsible" view, you go to jail and have no hope of getting out because you are unable to do better. This is both what the Bible teaches and what any addict will tell you. No matter how many times someone with a compulsive behavior or an internal character problem tries to "just make better choices," it doesn't work. Don't be deluded into thinking that willpower will suffice.

The Bible tells us that we cannot avoid the problems we find ourselves in, we cannot change ourselves once we are in them, and we are held totally responsible and accountable for them. In short, we are in prison, or as the Bible says, we are "slaves to sin."

That is a much more brutal message than the tough preacher was delivering. But gracefully the Bible does not leave us there. For when we are thrown into prison with no chance of parole, when we are asked, "Does anyone need a Savior?" the Bible gives us one. It is into that prison Jesus comes and tells us he will break us out. This is Good News indeed. When people realize that they are both powerless and responsible, they get serious about seeking help from outside themselves.

First, A Warning
Whenever we talk about sin being a problem in the world of personal growth, we want to make sure you know what we are not saying. We are not saying that a person's individual sin is the cause of all the struggles and problems he or she might have. All too often in the church, people are blamed for pain and struggles not of their own making.

Job was a great example of this. He had losses and pains he had absolutely no part in creating. In fact, it was his righteousness that placed him in the cosmic contest between God and Satan. He was not suffering because he was bad, but it could be argued, he was suffering because he was good. Who knows the reason for his suffering, really? It is too complex to ever fully understand. Yet we do know that his pain came from losing his family, his work, and his health. These losses were not his doing. He, like all of us, lived in a fallen world where there is suffering we cannot understand.

In addition, people suffer because of the sin of others. We have all experienced—or have had someone close to us who has experienced—long-standing suffering because of the abuse of another person.

So, as we look at the subject of sin, let's first understand that people suffer and lack growth for other reasons besides their own sin. If we don't understand this, we may fall into the trap of blaming the hurting person.

A Better Way: Repentance and Living by the Spirit
The Bible gives us a better way—Jesus. While the law (and all our versions of it) cannot help, Jesus can. He replaces living by the law with living by the Spirit. This is the answer to all the problems sin can ever throw at us.

Thus, while the standard is good and the need to make good choices is real, there is only one way to do that: Live according to the Spirit. This means to live according to a relationship and a process that empowers us. So there we are again, back to dependency on God.

To change the areas we want to change, we first have to admit to them (confession) and admit we are unable to change them by ourselves (poverty of spirit). Then we have to be set free by establishing a relationship with him, which takes care of the guilt and condemnation of the law (forgiveness). Then there must be a change of mind and a change of direction about the seriousness of the sin (repentance).

In other words, winning the war over sin includes the entire growth process itself as we live the life the Spirit provides. We have to be doing many things to achieve the victory we need. Significant problems like addictions and other patterns of behavior do not give way to simple formulas such as "That is sin. I won't do it anymore." To achieve victory we need to change fully in all of life as we commit to the life of the Spirit.

This truth also explains why patterns of behavior that have not given way to those formulas give way to the process outlined above. When people:
admit powerlessness,
ask God and others for help,
repent,
continue to stay plugged into a supportive environment,
seek healing for their hurting parts of themselves,
receive deep forgiveness and give that to others,
long standing patterns of problematic behavior do in fact change.This is the way the Bible has described the process we need.

The Medicine of the GospelWe can't deal with sin and temptation without confession and repentance. They are assumed in everything this article talks about, for it would be impossible to overcome sin and temptation without them.

The formula for dealing with the sin we commit has been around for a long time: confession, forgiveness, and repentance for the "bad stuff" in our own souls. Also, with repentance comes a turning to the life of God and a filling up the soul with the "good stuff of his life.

Likewise, the formula for dealing with the sin done to us is similar: confession, granting forgiveness, healing the wounds through God's life, and reconciliation, if possible.

Both kinds of sin require the grace of God, facing the truth about oneself or others, receiving the life we need, receiving and granting forgiveness, and reconciling as much as we can.

There are no new ways of dealing with sin, for God gave us the Way a long time ago. We think this is very encouraging as we look at the prospects of growth from a biblical perspective. There is no rocket science, only the gospel. But what a gospel it is! It is the medicine for the sickness we all possess, and that really is good news.

How People Grow - Part 12

The Process of Time
The most common question I hear from people in spiritual growth is: Why is this taking so long? They will often enter the growth process with great hope and excitement and then, somewhere along the way, become discouraged that they aren't achieving results as soon as they would like. Someone is still struggling in a marriage; another is unable to open up emotionally to God and others; still another is unable to set appropriate limits, and someone else may be tormented by the pain of the past.

Time - a necessary ingredient of growthSo many people in growth expect that, if they read their Bibles and do the right things, they will instantly and permanently change. They become disappointed when this doesn't happen. They may feel God has let them down or they are doing something wrong, when in fact, everything may be proceeding as God planned it. Time is a necessary ingredient of growth.

God originally did not include time in his plan, as he exists outside of time, in eternity. He experiences past, present and future all that the same time (Exodus 3:14). We, too, were created to live in an eternal state of relatedness and joy. However, when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, God's wonderful creation was marred. He saw the trouble we were now in and knew the seriousness of our condition. He knew that two things were necessary to fix the problem. The first was an atoning death to satisfy the requirements of his holiness. And the second was a process of repair for his creation to be redeemed and healed from what it had brought upon itself. This process we call time.

Time takes the creation out of the eternal state, as quarantine takes a sick person out of the community. This is so the disease of sin will not contaminate eternity. When the creation is healed of sin, time will be no more, as its job will have been accomplished. We will again enter the eternal state with God. There will be no progression of day and night in eternity, only a continual day illuminated by God himself (Revelation 22:5).

The gift of time applies also in the lives of individuals. When a person comes to faith in Christ, the guilt of sin is removed from him, and he now has a relationship with God. Yet, he is born again not as an adult, but as a spiritual baby. Like an infant, he must now enter the process of growth over time and receive the elements of growth that will one day mature him.

We're not saying that miracles don't happen. The Bible and our own experience show that God does do instant and marvelous things. We need to ask for these, receive them when they happen, and thank God for them. For example, God can and does instantly remove an addiction to alcohol or a depression. At the same time, however, the norm taught in the Scriptures is a model for growth over time (Mark 4:26-29; Ephesians 2:20,21; 4:15,16; Colossians 2:19; 2 Peter 3:18). Teachings that only emphasize deliverances, for example, can create people who become nonfunctional in real life, dependent not on God and his maturing ways, but on an event to heal them. So our suggestion is to work on the process and ask for the miraculous. God is for us in both ways.

How much time?Probably the second-most-often-asked question I encounter is: How can I know how long it will all take?

Well, generally it takes more time than you think. Many of us get into the growth process hoping to get some quick answers and comfort and then resume "normal life." However, this is not really God's way. For God, normal life is being in the growth process for life. Issues and struggles may and should change over time, but growth is not a season. Rather, it is at the very heart of life itself. Just because an issue may be resolved, does not mean growth is complete. It may just be the beginning.

Several indicators can help give a sense of how long specific growth or repair issues take to resolve. These indicators include the severity of the issue, the onset of the issue and the availability of resources. Although the work of spiritual growth is, at its heart, a miraculous act of God, it still requires resources. The more resources that are available (healthy support system, a balanced church, good materials to study, appropriate leadership and frequent meetings), the less time is needed for each issue.

Keep in mind that growth never ends on this earth. You will find new areas of growth as God helps you search your heart (Psalm 139:23-24). And remember, God is for you not against you!
This is the final article in our series on How People Grow. For previous articles see the Feature Article Archives. The next series of Feature Articles will include "False Assumptions" that can drive you crazy.

Taken from How People Grow, © Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend, Zondervan 2001
How People Grow (order your copy here) describes the process of how we are "separated from the life of God" and how we can be reconciled to the life the way it was created to work. More excerpts from How People Grow will follow in the weeks to come.
This article is part 12 in a series of Feature Articles adapted from How People Grow.

Panic Attacks - Cloud Townsend Resources

"I have been having increasing experiences of anxiety lately. I begin with a racing heart, rapid breathing, fear, and then worry that I am losing my mind. I am often afraid I am going to die of a heart attack when I feel this way. I went to the doctor and he said I was having "panic attacks." He gave me some tranquilizers and told me that they would go away. I don’t feel comfortable taking them, but don't know what else to do. I have tried praying and applying faith but I still feel this way. What should I do?"

Well, without seeing you and knowing for sure, I would say his diagnosis was certainly within the realm of possibility. The symptoms you describe are common for people with panic disorder. The place I would differ is in what he told you to do about them. While this is not uncommon advice from a family doctor, there is much more to the picture. In some cases it can be dangerous because of the addictive nature of some medications in the tranquilizer class. Let's look at both the medical and psychological aspects of the disorder.

The medical aspects:
Panic disorder is a problem that has a lot to do with the body. Certainly in terms of emotional problems, anxiety disorders are some of the most strongly physiologically- experienced struggles. Most of the symptoms you describe are felt in the body. While we do not know all the reasons why, we do now know there seem to be some very strong biological components in panic disorder.

There are basically two ways to attack them from the medical side. The first is simple tranquilizers, usually referred to as "minor tranquilizers." They are very effective in giving immediate relief to the feelings. If the anxiety is keeping a person from functioning day to day, sometimes they are a good idea. But there are two problems with this approach.
Number one, the real reasons and problems causing the attacks are not being dealt with but are just being covered up by symptom relief. When used correctly, they calm a person down enough to function while he is working on his problems. When used incorrectly, they calm a person down so he does not have to deal with his problems. To give you tranquilizers without telling you to get good counseling to find out if there are other things causing the attacks is not good advice.

Number two, those medications can be abused and can become addictive. That is why they should only be used under the watchful eye of one who understands the need to face the issues that cause the attacks.

Another aspect of the medical side is that there are other medications which are not addictive and have been found to be very effective in the physical aspect of this illness. These belong to the newer classes of antidepressant medications. Sometimes, chemical problems in the brain can be part of the picture in panic attacks. These newer medicines have been shown to be very helpful for some people in your situation. I would get a second medical opinion, this time from a psychiatrist who deals with panic disorder all the time. These medications are not addictive, have fewer side effects than the older ones, and do more than symptom relief. They seem to address the underlying physical processes that are going on. But in general it is best to see a psychiatrist as these are in his specialty area.

The psychological and spiritual aspects:
There is more to look at and work on than just "waiting for the panic attacks to go away." Usually in panic disorder there are significant issues that need to be faced. I would get with a good counselor and see if any of these areas are areas of growth for you, for these can certainly be overcome. I would begin by looking at a few specific common struggles with panic attacks.
First, there can be underlying isolation. If someone is significantly isolated inside, panic comes when this isolation and aloneness is close to being felt. This can happen even when a person has a lot of friends if there is no one "abiding" on the inside, at deep levels the way the Bible talks about.

Secondly, there can be issues around boundaries and freedom. These are the most common in my experience. Panic attacks usually have some dynamic involved when a person feels powerless in some significant area of life, especially significant relationships. He feel like his choices are controlled by someone else or by guilt, and freedom is limited. So, at various times he feels the panic that comes from being powerless. Good boundary and assertiveness work can help this dynamic dramatically.

Thirdly, there are often patterns of perfectionistic or "all or nothing thinking." Someone interprets his performance or experience in extreme forms, and severe anxiety accompanies that process. He has to learn to look at his thinking patterns and change them. This is part of the Bible's injunction to "take every thought captive." It is an important aspect of spiritual development. And then there are often autonomy fears and fears associated with independence and adulthood. Sometimes family-of-origin issues need to be examined to get past those dynamics.

The good news is that all of these dynamics are changeable and are part of the spiritual growth process for all of us. (See my book Changes That Heal, Zondervan, 1992) In other words, what all of us should be doing as a part of our spiritual growth will also cure panic disorder. We can all be working on developing more intimacy with others, having more freedom and better boundaries, accepting more of our imperfections, and moving on to greater and greater adult functioning, and personal autonomy under God.

With the combination of good medical advice and good counseling, I have all the hope in the world that your panic attacks can be helped. I have seen it happen successfully over and over again. So, go see a good psychiatrist and a good counselor. This could be one of the most growth producing times of your life. (James 1:2-4)

Six Purposes of Marriage

A. Companionship, (Amos 3:3)
B. Enjoyment, (Hebrews 13:4)
C. Completeness, (Genesis 2:23)
D. Fruitfulness, (Genesis 1:28; 9:1; 1 Peter 3:17)
E. Protection, (Ephesians 5:25; Titus 2:4-5; Malachi 2:15)
F. Typify Christ & the Church, (Ephesians 5:31-33; Psa 112:1-2)

Our Marriage Contract

On Sunday, the first day of the week, on the 21st day of the month of January in the year of 2007, corresponding to the 3rd day of Sh'vat in the year 5767 the holy covenant of marriage was entered into here in Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue in Dallas, Texas between the groom, Jeramiah Adrian Giehl, and the Bride, Sondra Shanell Shavers.

Here in we enter into the covenant of marriage according to the Law of Moses. We pledge to support, provide for, cherish and honor each other in truth, and to uphold each others growth and fulfillment, with openness and trust. We shall strive to build a home full of love, generosity and reverence for learning, a home open to our family and friends and joined closely with our community.

We promise to share our hopes and thoughts with each other. To talk and to listen, to honor and to appreciate each other in trust and in love’ to share with each other in times of joy and trouble; to create a home based on love, and the Torah along with Jewish and Christian traditions. May our home be filled with peace, love and happiness and may we grow together our lives forever intertwined, our love always bringing us great joy and be as one in tenderness and devotion.

These rings symbolize our commitment to each others as beloveds and friends before God and, these witnesses. May our love provide us with the determination to be ourselves and the courage to pursue our chosen path. We shall treasure and respect each other with honor and integrity as we create a loving future together. With this ceremony we affirm out intention to provide for each other the protections and privileges of all loving couples.

As we share life’s everyday experiences we promise to strive for an intimacy that will enable use to express our innermost thoughts and feelings; to be sensitive at all times to each others needs; to share life’s joys and to comfort each other through life’s sorrows, to challenge each other to achieve intellectual and physical fulfillment as well as spiritual and emotional tranquility.

We also promise to establish a home committed to the Jewish and Christian heritage and linked eternally to the community of believers in Yeshua, a home filled with respect for all people, a home filled with love, learning, compassion and integrity.

We joyfully enter into this covenant and solemnly accept its obligations. All this is valid and binding

Life is… Poem by Jeramiah Giehl

Life is…
A road we walk together /
Everyday we talk together /
We trust in God to keep us together /
Life conditions us like leather /
With a cord of three strands /
We are held together /
Like a serpent we are cleaver /
Like a dove we are gentle /
His love is forever /
He never says never /
He holds us together /
What God has joined together /
Let no man (or woman) cast asunder /
His voice strong like thunder /
My heart ponders even wonders /
Which is the way to go /
Today to know /
Which way to go /
Just trust in God /
He sent His heavenly love /
Sent in the form from the Son above /

A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE by Gordon H. Richards Love Without Borders Ministries

A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

When two people first get married they have high hopes that theirs is going to be the perfect marriage. Their "journey" through married life is going to be like a ride in a boat on a fast flowing river. If they do nothing they will be washed down stream, hit the rapids, and possibly be shipwrecked. It now becomes necessary to use the oars and work at reaching their destination, which is up stream. Both must work at making the marriage a success.

HARMONY

1. FALLING IN LOVE
There are three kinds of love. The first is Romantic Love. This is the kind of love that is found during the days of courtship. It needs to be kept alive during the entire marriage, regardless of what type of situations the couple find themselves in.The second kind of love is Mutual Concern and Passionate Kindness, and is developed into a pattern of living. It enables the couple to continue loving each other, even when the problems come.The third kind of love is Godly Love, which comes from God. This is the kind of love that enables us to forgive the other person even when they are at their worst. It gives the ability to go through the storms of life without quitting when big problems come along.When a couple starts going together they see a lot of things that attract them to each other, both physical and mental attractions, as well as many things that are of common interest. New couples will have the tendency to overlook the faults or problems in each other. The statement: "Love is blind" becomes very obvious. Sometimes the problem is noticed, but the person says, "Ok, well that will work itself out." Each is looking toward a bright future with the other. This will only be possible when a committed effort is made on both sides to work out the problems together, instead of ignoring them, or trying to change the other person.

2. WALKING IN LOVE
Love is blind toward faults for a period of time. The faults or problems then become more conspicuous, and several options become available. The time for "walking in love" now begins. Each has to accept the other AS THEY ARE, and learn to love and live with the problems. This now becomes a choice of the will on the part of each person.A marriage is heading for trouble when one, or both, have the attitude that they will change the other person as soon as they get married. This may work if the partner has a weak nature or wants to avoid a fight at any cost. One will end up not wanting to make any decisions, and the other will become domineering, which will lead to a poor marriage.The better approach to changing a situation, is look for changes that need to be made in your own life. As you start to make adjustments in your own life, you will begin to reap a harvest of what you have just sown. You will see your mate make changes in his or her life as well. The changes in both lives will bring more love and unity in the marriage.The success of the home will depend on mutual understanding, and sometimes requires delicate adjustments to take care of the differences in the backgrounds of the couple. Devotion and loyalty to each other is very necessary, but an understanding of the needs, and the ability to meet those needs must also play an important part if the marriage is going to be really successful.The marriage must be considered as a duet that is harmonizing to bring out the best in each other. Musical notes, when played in the right combination, produce a pleasing sound. When musical notes are played in wrong combinations, they will only produce discord. When a band is playing in discord, the tendency will be to stop the music. Marriage needs to be treated differently. In order to bring out the best in the other person, both need to harmonize their words and actions, so as to bring out the best in the other person. This will meet each other's needs and help build up their confidence and joy. The motto should become "In honor giving preference to one another," Romans 12:10Sometimes people have entered a marriage with a self-centered attitude, wanting to make sure that they get "what they deserve" out of the marriage. We are going to find that we reap what we sow. When we plant self-centeredness, we will reap a bumper crop of the same thing. It would be far better to plant the type of seed that asks: "Am I giving the best I possibly can to this marriage?" When each one thinks of the other person's happiness, they will reap a wonderful harvest of joy. The more we try to make our partner happy, the more we will see it coming back to us. Each one must make a continual genuine effort to make life more satisfactory for their partner.Happiness can be affected by outward circumstances, such as sickness in the family, or the car breaks down, etc. Joy comes from within and is not affected by the outside problems. On occasion it is going to be necessary to make adjustments. Get rid of any spirit of complaining, unforgiving, or bitterness, so that a spirit of joy can start to grow. If this is not done, it will produce a bad harvest.A good test to see if one has a successful marriage is to determine the amount of happiness you have when you're together. There will be things that annoy, but strive to increase the pleasing experiences and decrease the annoying ones.A good marriage will produce mutual fulfillment in the lives of both partners. Goals in life, ambitions, etc., must be taken into consideration in order to produce a good, lasting marriage. A wonderful marriage will be more probable when each one is proud of their partner, and are happy to introduce their mate to others. This is not to be a phony act, but a caring lifestyle that must develop.Love is not just a way of feeling; it must become a way of thinking and acting as well. When we start to mature in these areas we will find that the joy within us will start to grow in greater ways. Develop a lifestyle of not just trying to please us, but of demonstrating a life of love to others. This must not be just an emotional type of love, but a nature of caring for those around us. Love is a choice.One of the scribes came to Jesus one time and asked Him what was the greatest commandment. The answer Jesus gave could also be used in the family setting. In verse 31 we could add: "You shall love your husband or wife as yourself".Mark 12:30-3130. "And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength." This is the first commandment. 31. "And the second, like it, is this: 'You shall love your (husband/wife) neighbor as yourself'. There is no other commandment greater than these."John 13:34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.There are two verses that give commands concerning our love for our mates, to be done whether we feel like it or not.Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.Titus 2:4That they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children.There are some who decide that they don't love their spouse anymore, and need to realize that love is a choice. They can choose to love, or they can look for reasons why they don't want to love the person. Frequently a problem comes which starts the person to think that the love for the spouse is lost. True love comes from God, who is willing to cause the old love to return if they want it to. The couple must make up their minds that they want God to help them overcome the difficulties. They need to ask the Lord to not just bring back the former love, but cause a love that is far better to come in and fill the spirits of both of them. Remember, Satan is out to destroy marriages any way he can.On one occasion a lady phoned me from an area near Cape Town, South Africa. She and her husband were having marital difficulties. I asked what she wanted to do. Her response was that she wanted a better marriage. I pointed out that the enemy had stolen her marriage, and now according to Proverbs 6:30-31, she could claim seven times what she lost. I next asked her if she wanted seven husbands. She laughed and said that she wanted a marriage that was seven times better, which was the response I was looking for. When we are committed to finding answers to our difficulties, we will find that the Lord will help us when we ask Him.The couple must make a strong commitment that they will stay together. They need to ask the Lord to help them honor that commitment. When problems come, they need to see if they can find answers for them. If there seems to be no answers, ask the Lord to show them what to do, or where to go to find help to overcome the problems.Social pressures in favor of divorce may help the couple to want to get one, but that should not be an option. God gives us His view in the following verses:Malachi 2:13-1613. And this is the second thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with good will from your hands. 14. Yet you say, "For what reason?" because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. 15. But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. 16. "For the Lord God of Israel says that HE HATES DIVORCE, for it covers one's garment with violence," says the Lord of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."The Bible does permit divorce, but Jesus gave the reason behind wanting one in the following verse. He was stating that God allowed it because of the hardness of the person's heart. When we ask the Lord to help us, we will find that He gives the ability to overcome the problem that is making the couple contemplate divorce.Matthew 19:8 He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so."What does Malachi 2:14 mean when it states: "She is your wife by covenant"? In Bible times the concept of a covenant was very common in the Middle East. The word "covenant" in its Hebrew form is used nearly 300 times in the Bible. In the simplest form, it is an all-encompassing agreement between two parties that covers a number of promises. This mutual understanding between the two people binds them with specific obligations. This agreement commits everything each has, to belong to the other person.Covenants were frequently made, making reference to God as their witness. This was an indication that they were expecting God to hold them responsible for the fulfillment of the covenant.One step in the covenant making was the ceremony of the exchange of names. This is seen when people accept Jesus Christ as their personal Savior. They are making a covenant with God, and as part of the exchange of names, they are called "Christian." In modern days the lady is no longer called by her maiden name, but takes on the last name of her husband.The covenant of marriage was a life-long commitment, with the expectation that God was not only a witness, but was also going to enable them to live up to it. Breaking the covenant, or in other words, getting a divorce, according to Malachi 2:16, is an act of violence in the eyes of the Lord. God is claiming that we are dealing treacherously with our spirits when we were involved with divorce.What can we do if we had a divorce in the past? When we come to Him and ask to be forgiven of mistakes we have made in the past, we will find that He will honor His promise in 1 John 1:9, providing the two conditions are met:1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

1. Forgiving the offender.Matthew 6:14-1514. For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.2. Forsaking our wrongdoing.Proverbs 28:13 He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and

FORSAKES THEM WILL HAVE MERCY.
Ask the Lord to forgive you of any feelings of bitterness you may have had toward your previous mate, and ask Him to give you the ability to forgive anything you may have against the person. Then expect Him to fulfill the following verse in your life:Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Making A Marriage Successful

PERSONAL APPEARANCE
Attractiveness is very important to win the attention of your mate. After the wedding it is equally important to maintain personal attractiveness if we are interested in having a happy marriage. Often people have become very lazy concerning personal hygiene after marriage, because their attitude has become "your stuck with me the way I am." This could cause many problems in the home, and will later be visible to others as well. It is not only necessary to maintain a good outward appearance, but one must have beauty of mind and spirit as well.An old saying states that cleanliness is next to godliness. God told Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7, that "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." The people of the world will judge us by our personal appearance, or the way we keep our homes. There have been times when some have said a lot about their relationship with the Lord, but frequently wear unclean clothing, or have the same kind of living conditions. Careless or lazy personal hygiene, or work habits are a poor testimony for the Lord. Frequently this might come from a poor list of priorities, or very self-centeredness. Problems will increase if a person would rather watch television, or talk to friends, instead of attend to home responsibilities. Once a small girl was told to clean her closet. An hour later her mother asked her why she had not started yet, and her response was, "Those were not my thoughts." Ask the Lord to help you overcome this weakness, if this is a problem.Sometimes there seems to be a double standard, when a pleasant voice is used on the telephone or when there is company, but a rough voice is evident when they are speaking to their mate. Angry outbursts of temper will usually produce angry responses, and will only lead to problems later. Courtesy to each other is another area where we need to be on guard. We can be very courteous to others, but treat our mate with disrespect. Always remember that we reap what we sow. We need to sow loving and kind words, if we want the same response.Stress can cause mood swings, and when these become too high, will frequently cause anger to flare. Frequently it is targeted at family members, because they feel they can get away with it. In reality this is temper under control, because normally if a similar situation developed in front of outsiders, the anger would be held in until later. An example of anger under control is seen when a policeman has stopped a person. He will hold his temper in front of the officer, but not control it after they drive away. The family members reap the results of his frustration or loss of temper.

HELPING EACH OTHER
Each mate has several strong points as well as a number of weak ones. The loving couple will make allowances for the weaker points instead of becoming critical over them. They must work together, helping the other where it is needed. Remember the strengths of one spouse are frequently the weaknesses of the other. The Lord has also caused the reverse to be true, which means the strengths of the second, can be the weaknesses of the first spouse. It is very necessary to concentrate on the virtues instead of the faults. Try to understand how the other person feels. Do not make fun of, or discredit your spouse in front of others. Emotional stress can come because of thoughtlessness, which can prove to be very irritating. One must cultivate the ability to heal little hurts quickly, before they pile up and get out of proportion.When jealousy arises, it may be a signal of emotional insecurity, or it may be a resentment of some real or fancied problem. It may be unfounded, but hard to deal with. Start planting seeds of love, by doing things for each other. There will be a response, because the seeds will bear fruit. In the event that the problem was not imagined, the offending mate will have to make up his or her mind about losing this new love and affection. Repentance will be needed, as well as asking the Lord for help to not do it again.It is a good idea to budget time so that you can have time together, instead of each going his or her own way. They could then become like two ships at sea that pass each other in the dark.

SHARING THE LOAD
A number of years ago a hunter took his dogs to go fox hunting, and released the dogs when they spotted a fox. The dogs chased the fox for some time, which finally ran into a hollow log. While the dogs were barking at the end of the log the fox entered, the fox emerged out of the other end and ran away. The dogs quickly chased after the fox again, but found they could not catch him. A little later the fox headed back to the log and repeated what it had done the previous time. After the fox did this the third time, the hunter saw that his dogs were becoming very tired, but the fox seemed to be completely rested by crawling through the log. He went to examine the log to see what was really happening, and in it he saw the mate of the one who was being chased. The two foxes were taking turns; the one was resting, while the other was running away from the dogs. They could have kept this up all day, but the dogs were in no condition to pursue the foxes any longer. We can learn from this fox family, if we are willing to work together. Teamwork is very important if we are desirous of overcoming a number of obstacles. On occasion there may seem to be nothing the one can do to help the other, but in reality there are always at least two things we can do. The first is to encourage the mate; the second is to spend time in prayer, expecting the Lord to undertake in the situation.Many a family has had serious problems because of not sharing the load in the home. A husband may come home after work, and do as little as possible. He is expecting his wife to take care of everything in the house - because "he worked hard all day". If the wife is working as well, he needs to realize that he has to share in the responsibilities of the home in a greater way.Working together in the home will give a great opportunity to develop unity, as well as strengthen the family. Sometimes one or the other holds back because this is what they saw in the home they came from. The couple must realize that bad habits or sometimes laziness of one of the parents does not need to be repeated in their home. They are starting a new home, and must work together to make their family the most caring family in the world.

Finances

OVERCOMING MONEY PROBLEMS
Couples need to be resourceful in marriage if they want to see living at its best. There will be times when things may be in short supply, and this can cause problems for the couple who is not resourceful. They must rely on each other's strengths instead of pointing out and emphasizing weaknesses or shortcomings. Living in an atmosphere of love, enables a couple to find their most fulfilling happiness together despite any problems they may face. The couples who build up their marriages, build up their happiness.Many times money becomes a key factor in causing problems in the marriage. We may have no control over some of the problems that arise. An example could be an unexpected lay-off at work, an unexpected pregnancy when there is no insurance to meet the expenses, or a spending spree. It's important to get to the root of the problem. Careful planning is needed before problems come.

A PLAN FOR SPENDING
A problem that has affected many new couples is when they look at what their parents or friends have. They then get into debt very quickly in an effort to impress everyone, which becomes a fast road to trouble. It is very possible to have true happiness and not have much material things, because lack is not the greatest hardship. Having everything that the neighbors have, can sometimes lead to very serious emotional problems. Paul gave us some sound advice in the following verses:

1 Timothy 6:9-109. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts which drown men in destruction and perdition. 10. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. (NKJ)
1Timothy 6:9-109. People who want to be rich fall into all sorts of temptations and traps. They are caught by foolish and harmful desires that drag them down and destroy them. 10. The love of money causes all kinds of trouble. Some people want money so much that they have given up their faith and caused themselves a lot of pain. (Contemporary English Version)

PREPARING A BUDGET
Teamwork is very important in the preparation of a budget. Marriage is now a partnership, and both partners must be considered. The couple must not have the idea that they are competing with each other. They are to work together as a unit. Before they were married they did not have to answer to others concerning their spending. An attitude that will not work is where one spouse thinks that the money he has is his money, but the money that the mate has belongs to the family. One must get away from the "I-minded" way of thinking, and think in terms of "We-minded" or "Ours." When the budget permits, a certain amount of money should be set-aside for each, so that they may buy things without having to give an account as to how they spent it.It is not necessary to buy new items when a couple is on a limited budget. Many second hand stores or places where they sell items that are marked down because of a small imperfection have been a big blessing to many couples. Often stores reduce prices to make room for more merchandise, and the wise couple can look for these sales. Get into the habit of asking the question: "Do we really need this?" "If we get this now, will we have to do without something that we will need more a little later?"After comparing the income to their expenses, many couples find that they are invariably short every month. This is not the plan of the Lord for their lives, so something needs to change. It is necessary to receive wisdom from the Lord to overcome the problem.James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.An ideal plan will be to ask the Lord to enable you to live within 70% of your income, instead of 110% the way some people are living. This later type of lifestyle is causing them to go deeper into debt on a daily basis. Why do we say live on only 70% of your income? The first 10% belongs to the Lord. Don't expect Him to bless you if you are not paying your tithes.The second 10% should be used to plant seed into the kingdom of God. He wants to bless you, but He intends to give you a harvest based on what you are planting in excess of your tithes. When you plant nothing, you will not reap a harvest.Expect the day to come when the harvest is coming in on a continual basis, from the many times you have planted, to cover all your expenses. The income from your work can now be used for extending the kingdom of God.The third 10% is to be used for emergencies, vacations, as well as secular types of savings plans. Start expecting the Lord to undertake so that you will be able to increase this section in a big way, so that you will be able to help many in their time of emergency.

GOD WANTS TO MEET OUR NEEDS!
Many Christians have been responsible for building the obstacles that stopped their prayers from being answered. They did not believe or completely depend on God's Word. They became controlled by the circumstances around themselves, instead of depending on the promises of God.In Psalm 24:1 we read the following words: "The earth is the Lord's, and all its fullness, the world and those who dwell there in." What does this mean? We do not own the land we live on, because it belongs to God. We are "renting" the field, which is the earth. This "rent" is given in the form of "tithes." It is not only given for the use of the world we live in, but also for reaping all the benefits God has for us including health and protection. The tithe or "rent" is not to be used to meet our expenses. God is expecting us to start planting seed - over and above the "rent" - IF we want to receive a harvest.Many people are ACTING LIKE "SQUATTERS". The meaning for this word in a dictionary is: "A person who settles on another's land without right". This is how many people are treating the Lord. They are not paying the "rent" for all of His blessings, and then they wonder why they have problems in life. God starts to remove His protection from them, because they are acting like the servants in the parable, who were called wicked servants, see Matthew 25:14-30.

GOD WANTS TO STOP THINGS THAT WASTE OUR BELONGINGS
After reading Malachi 3:7-10, many have felt that they had to perform a duty, and so gave money to the church because they felt that it was an obligation. The One who is really obligated is God. He OBLIGATES HIMSELF to giving us a harvest, meeting our needs, as well as stopping the things that destroy our possessions. When we see that giving to the Lord is a PRIVILEGE, because of the benefits, we will become cheerful givers.God gave us a pattern. Jesus started by giving us the world we live in. He gave us life, as well as everything around us. God showed His love to us in the greatest possible way, by GIVING us His Son.John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.God's method was to GIVE FIRST, and THEN TO RECEIVE. He showed His love to us FIRST and then we were to give our love to Him. In order to receive blessings from God, we must FIRST GIVE. The satanic forces have bound many Christians with a spirit of poverty. They do not seem to really expect that God will meet their needs. This is because they copied the world that teaches, "In order to get, I HAVE TO TAKE." Their attitude seems to be "I must grab as much as I can before the others get to it". This is the exact opposite of what Jesus teaches.Luke 6:38 GIVE, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.A lady came to her pastor and asked him why she was always helping people as well as helping around the church, but was continually having a financial need. The pastor asked her: "Do people help you?" She immediately replied, "Yes." He asked her if people smiled at her when she smiled at them. She immediately replied, "Yes". The pastor's reply was: "You are reaping what you are sowing". We do good things for others, and we are reaping the same kind of harvest. When we smile at someone, they will smile back. He told her to start planting in a financial way, and she would see a different type of harvest.

STOPPING OUR HARVEST
Many Christians have planted seed in the past. They expected to get a harvest from the seed they had planted as well as the additional seed they were going to plant. Problems arose which caused them to stop planting. This may have been in the form of unemployment, illness, an accident with the car, or something else. They now felt that they could not continue to tithe or plant additional seed. They stopped their giving, which stopped the harvest from coming.The moment we stop paying our tithes we immediately STEP OUT OF THE PROTECTION OF THE LORD. We have just stepped into the hand of Satan, which allows him to start a bigger attack against us.The problems we face could be called lean times, or going through a time of drought. We need to pay attention to what Isaac did, see Genesis 26:1-3, 12-14. He was directed by the Lord to plant during the lean times. Frequently Christians look to their own resources, which stops them from giving to God. God is expecting us to look to Him, who wants to supply our needs according to His resources.The person who thinks that he can't afford to pay his tithes, or plant any seed above his tithes is using his faith in the wrong direction. He believes that Satan WILL STOP GOD FROM MEETING HIS NEEDS. How is Satan capable of stopping God from blessing us? The devil can only do that when we allow him to. We must change our thinking to match what God's Word says.Philippians 4:19 And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.Is there a condition for the above verse? The condition is seen in Philippians 4:10-18. These people gave first and amply supplied the apostle's need. Since they GAVE FIRST or planted seed into his ministry, God supplied their needs. The key is GIVING FIRST or PLANTING FIRST, and then WE WILL RECEIVE THE HARVEST.Generosity should start with our poverty, so that when we are well off we will have developed the habit of giving. When we are generous with our whole life, we will be generous with our giving. When we are stingy with our whole life, we will be reluctant to give as well. Many people have said that they could not afford to pay their tithes now, but in the meantime they are only "tipping" the Lord and become stingy people. They say that when they get a lot of money they will give large amounts to the church. They are only fooling themselves if they think they will change when they get rich. Jesus shows us in the following verses that they will not change:Luke 16:10-11 10. He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much. 11. Therefore if you have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon, who will commit to your trust the true riches? (NKJ) Luke 16:10-11If you're honest in small things, you'll be honest in big things; if you're a crook in small things, you'll be a crook in big things. If you're not honest in small jobs, who will put in charge of the store? (The Message)In Psalm 24:1 we read the following words: "The earth is the Lord's, and all its fullness, the world and those who dwell there in." What does this mean? We are not the owners of the land we live on; it belongs to God.We are "renting" the field, which is the earth, and this "rent" is given in the form of "tithes." Our tithes are only given for the use of the land we live in. Tithes open the door to give the benefits God has for us, which included health and protection. Many people see blessings, but are not tithing, and think that God is blessing them. God causes the sun to rise on the good and the evil and sends rain on the just and the unjust, Matthew 5:45. Some people confuse God's approval with His blessings, not understanding that their hard work will produce a harvest.God wants to meet all of our needs, but He wants us to become SEED MINDED instead of NEED MINDED. He wants us to plant into God honoring ministries, with the idea of Him giving us a harvest from what we planted to meet our needs. Remember tithing is something we owe, and is not planting seed, which means we can receive a harvest from the seed that is planted, but not from the tithes.2 Corinthians 9:6 But this I say: He who SOWS SPARINGLY will also REAP SPARINGLY, and he who SOWS BOUNTIFULLY will also REAP BOUNTIFULLY.If you were to go to the grocery store and try to buy two week's supply of groceries for a family of six, with only twenty dollars, would this be buying SPARINGLY or BOUNTIFULLY? We would think that this would be very sparingly. If twenty dollars is considered sparingly at the grocery store, why do people think that they ARE SOWING BOUNTIFULLY if they give twenty dollars in a church offering? It is still the same amount of money. In the eyes of God it would be considered planting bountifully if that was all you had, and you had been faithful in tithing.

2 Corinthians 9:7-87. So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves A CHEERFUL GIVER. 8. And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for EVERY good work.

God is telling us, He wants to meet all our needs, but we are to plant first. If we plant nothing we will reap nothing. When we plant BOUNTIFULLY, in excess of our tithes, He gives us a BOUNTIFUL HARVEST. What type of planting is this Scripture referring to? Is it money? Many poor people don't have money so they would be excluded from this promise if it meant ONLY money. Matthew 10:42 points out that even a cup of water will not lose its reward.A couple had two sons who were in High School, and were asked if they were setting money aside for a college education for the boys. The answer was, "No", because they were putting the extra money in a missionary offering every month. They were told that they were foolish because the boys would not be able to go to college. God honored their faith because they were planting seed and expecting God to give the harvest for the boys' educations. On the nights of their graduations, both boys were called to the platform and given full scholarships for college.Many people have stated that they did not have anything to give. Philippians 4:19 shows that God will supply our need. If the need is seed, will God supply it? Most of the time He will NOT, because He only supplies seed to SOWERS. Only 18% to 28% of the people of most churches are sowers. Many Christians feel that they are too poor, or have nothing to plant. When they become willing to be sowers, and start to plant what little they have, they will find that God will fulfill the following verse in their lives:2 Corinthians 9:10 Now may He who supplies SEED TO THE SOWER, and bread for food, SUPPLY AND MULTIPLY the seed YOU HAVE SOWN and increase the fruits of your righteousness.
When we give to God, according TO HIS WILL, He does two things: 1. He gives a harvest.2. He returns the seed at the time of the harvest.

Many Christians are NOT GIVEN SEED because they are "TIPPERS" and NOT "SOWERS". A tip is given in a restaurant, etc., to the person who provides a service, but the tip does not pay for the items.God wants us to plant NOT JUST ONCE, but also many times. He returns the seed to us at the time of harvest so this can be used over again. God wants this to be A CONTINUOUS CYCLE. Giving to the Lord becomes a PRIVILEGE instead of a responsibility. God wants to work in your life, using your talents, your abilities, and your resources.
USING OUR ENERGY WISELY

On one occasion I started on a trip into Mexico, and in the first 12 miles I used a quarter of a tank of gasoline. I could have believed God to continue to give me the money to replace the gasoline, but this was not the will of God. He wanted me to look for the problem and then make the necessary corrections before I went any further. When we started to look for the problem we found five holes in the fuel line. After we replaced the line, we stopped the problem. Realize that many times corrections must be made in our own lives, before we will see God give us help or miracles, to overcome the problems we are facing.Many couples are very efficient in various areas of their lives, but seem to be completely unable to take control of time. There are many people who are constantly late for their appointments or church services. They do not seem to be able to plan ahead or budget their time. This will frequently lead to frustration on the part of the other spouse. Corrections need to be made if they want to have a happy and lasting marriage. On many occasions poor planning will cause a lack of good stewardship with money God has entrusted to us. A question a person could ask is, "If God can't trust me with my time, why should He trust me by giving me extra money?"My wife and I do a lot of traveling for speaking engagements in various countries. Many times we will see someone go to the store for two or three items. A little while later they will go back to the store for something else. Later on during the day they will go to the post office for their mail, and return to the store once more. All of these extra trips take time and cost money for the gasoline, as well as wear and tear on the car. Planning ahead will enable the couple to make one trip, or possibly a second, because of the children's school activities. This will cut down on how tired they are at the end of the day, as well as added frustration.

Overcoming Difficulties

PROBLEMS WILL ARISE
In James 1:2-4 we see the steps to real growth. The first one is to be happy when you have problems. Many people become very unhappy, or possibly lose their temper, and then can't think clearly to solve the problem. The second thing we see is that problems produce PATIENCE. We find that the immature person is not a patient person, because patience produces MATURITY. The third thing James shows us is that you now BECOME COMPLETE. The last thing we see is that the person LACKS NOTHING. Why is this possible? The person is now a mature individual and is expecting God to honor His Word and meet the need, as seen in the following verse:Philippians 4:19 And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.Sometimes the difficulty is easy to solve. On one occasion a grandfather was taking a nap. His small grandson came in and put some Limburger cheese on his mustache. When he woke up he immediately said that something smelled bad in the room. He went into the kitchen, where his daughter was baking some cookies. He then said, "Something smells bad in here." He next went outside to get some fresh air. He now said, "The whole world stinks." As soon as he washed his face he found that the smell was gone.Once a lady was asked if she had ever been lonely. She stated that she was lonely every night when she went to bed. Her husband was greatly surprised to hear this because they slept in the same bed. He asked her why she felt that way. Her response was that every night when they got into bed, he turned his back on her when they went to sleep. He looked at her in surprise and said, "Don't you know that when I was in High School; I fell and broke three ribs. I always have a lot of pain when I lay on that side, so I lay on the other side." The solution to this problem was very easy; they changed sides in bed. If you are having some difficulty with your spouse, ask the Lord to help you find a solution to the problem.On one occasion I had misplaced something. My wife asked me what I had been doing when I last had it. I thought of the different things I had done during the last hour, and where I had been, then I looked down and found that I was standing about three feet from where I had left it. When a problem occurs, and you don't see an immediate answer, try to think of what you were doing that was working before the problem started.Don't give up if you still do not have the answer. Start expecting God to give you divine wisdom to overcome the problem, as seen in the following verse:James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.Marriage is sometimes entered into as if a person is entering a dream world, where they all lived happily ever after. This is not true in the real world. Every couple is going to run into trouble, See Job 14:1; Acts 14:22; 2 Timothy 3:12; Hebrews 10:32 and 1 Peter 4:12. In the beginning each one has complete respect for the other. If this respect becomes damaged in any degree, it will become necessary to repair the damage as soon as possible. If this is not accomplished, the love between each other will diminish.Start overcoming the problem by looking at the good points in your mate, and give complements on these things. Show your appreciation rather than frequently criticize. None of us are perfect, so try to improve the relationship BY YOUR OWN EXAMPLE. Paul gave us some good advice in the following verse:Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy; meditate on these things.Often you hear the statement, "We're just incompatible." They are trying to leave you with the impression that they have a hopeless situation. This often reflects a person who is selfish and is unwilling to make any changes, and does not want to look for an answer. Most of the time the problem can be corrected by finding the misunderstandings and the things that bother their mate. As they start to grow in patience, and try to overcome the self-centeredness, the situations will take care of themselves.Now is the time to create a mutual trust. The husband must help the wife meet the highest goals in her life, and the wife must do the same thing for her husband. When you take into account the major and minor goals of each, the selfish nature starts to be removed.

TREATING THE SPOUSE AS AN EQUAL
In some homes the husband rules the house with a very strong will, and the wife has to give an account for almost every penny she spends. She is afraid to make any decisions, lest her husband lose his temper. The rest of the family feels that they have to walk very carefully, because they seem to be walking on eggs. This attitude is not of God, and the man will find that later God will deal very harshly with him, unless repentance and a change of life takes place. On many occasions the children are waiting until the time comes when they can leave home.God created Eve TO BE A HELPMATE to Adam, and not to be his slave. A lot more could be accomplished if they worked together, instead of having a boss-slave attitude. The man in this type of situation is doing his family a great injustice. What will happen to the wife if he first passes away? Because she was forced to be so dependent on him when they were together, she will find that it will be extremely hard to make decisions.In some homes the wife rules the house with a very strong will. The husband finds that the rolls have been reversed. Frequently he is not consulted when decisions are made, and if he makes an issue of it, he may be threatened with a divorce, which God hates, see Malachi 2:16. None of these actions please the Lord, and the wife will find that she will eventually have an extremely bitter harvest. She may also find that her children will turn against her and possibly later mistreat her. Remember power struggles from either side will lead to a power drain for both.On one occasion an elderly man with Parkinson's disease came to live with his son and daughter-in-law. At first she allowed him to eat with them in the dining room, Later as the disease progressed, she had him eat in the kitchen. One day he was shaking so badly, he caused his plate of food to fall on the floor and break. She became angry and started feeding him in a wooden bowl. She told him that since he ate like a pig, she would feed him in something like a trough. One evening she saw her small son carving a piece of wood with his pocketknife. She asked him what he was making. He told her that he was making a trough for the time she got old. Her son's statement convicted her, so she went to her father-in-law, asked for his forgiveness and told him that from then on he would eat with them in the dining room. She did not want to have a bitter harvest for her actions.As helpmates, both are to work together with love and respect. Decisions concerning the children should be discussed together, so that the children can't play one parent against the other.Does the tail wag the dog, or is the dog supposed to wag its tail? This sounds like a foolish question, but many times we see children running the family, instead of the parents being in control. The plan of God is for the parents to be in control, instead of having the child make a big fuss every time he or she doesn't get his or her own way. Paul shows God's plan for children in the following verses:Ephesians 6:1-31. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2. "Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with promise: 3. "that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth."Violence among children and young people is on the increase in every country, because the children did not have boundaries set for them when they were small. As they became older they became very angry when they didn't get their own way. On one occasion there was a small mechanical horse outside a grocery store in a shopping mall. A small boy made a big fuss when his mother would not put the money in for him to get a ride. Next to the horse was a psychologist's office, so she went in to ask him if there was anything he could do. The Doctor told her that he was asked this same question about three times a week. He went out and said something into the child's ear. The child immediately stopped his yelling, and quietly went with his mother to get into the car. On the way home the mother asked him what the Doctor had said. He told his mother that the doctor would give him the worst licking he ever had in his life, if he did not stop his yelling. It is necessary for parents to set boundaries for their children, but punishment must be in line with the offence and the age of the child. Remember, God also has limits for us, and will hold us accountable for our inappropriate actions.Ephesians 6:4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.At one time my wife and I had a group foster home, with fifteen teenagers living with us, as well as our own children. These teenagers had learned to con a lot of people. It was not surprising that they would go to one of us to ask permission for something. If they didn't get a favorable answer, the teenager would then go to the other one seeking a more favorable response. We invariably would ask them what the other one said. After they told us, our response would be, "In that case, my answer is the same." It is very important to work together, as well as to be consistent with children, otherwise they will grow up thinking that with a little effort, they can always get away with what they want.

DISAGREEMENTS
Differences of opinion are going to arise in every family. The way we cope with these differences will make a big difference in the outcome of the problem. The attitude of some people is: "I want to work together with you from MY POINT OF VIEW." This type of attitude will quickly bring problems. Good communication now becomes very important between the couple. On many occasions the one person is thinking what they are going to say next, while the other is still talking. The first person was not listening to what the other was saying. During times of big disagreements EACH SIDE should listen 60 to 70% of the time, and talk 30 to 40% of the time. The "listening" part is spent, part in listening and the rest of the time in thinking about what the other person said, instead of what they are going to say next. Frequently a person is expecting too much from the mate, and not enough from themselves. This should be reversed. Always look at the problem from the mate's point-of-view, which will cause good solutions to be found easier. The stumbling blocks will now turn into stepping-stones.Disagreements are sometimes caused because the one has misunderstood the words or intentions of the other. Problems will sometimes get blown out of proportion because couples have allowed little grievances to build up. The difficulties should be cleared up as soon as possible before they are magnified and look insurmountable.It becomes very important that we watch our words when we are having a disagreement with our spouse. The WAY we say things, as well as WHAT we say can cause a lot of problems in the future. When we do not give honor to our mate, we will find that our prayers will be hindered, see 1 Peter 3:7-12.1 Peter 3:7 Likewise you husbands, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, THAT YOUR PRAYERS MAY NOT BE HINDERED.

WORDS CAN BE LIKE ARROWS
In Psalm 64:3 David compared words to arrows. Before harsh words are spoken, while they are still in our mind, they don't hurt anyone. Once they are released they can cause great damage. After the words are spoken, we can apologize, but we need to realize that tremendous damage may have been done. The arrows (words) left your mouth and may have greatly wounded someone. Jesus tells us in the following verse that you will have to give an account for your words. James tells us that we should be slow to speak, which will help us to not wound people with our words:Matthew 12:36 But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment.

James 1:19-2019. Therefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20. for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

BITTERNESS AND UNFORGIVENESS
Matthew 6:14-1514. For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.Bitterness and an unforgiving spirit usually go together. The satanic forces will use these methods as well as the other things mentioned in Ephesians 4:31, to keep us in bondage, causing us to yield to many other types of temptations.There will be times when a person thinks that he can't forgive someone who has wronged him. Regardless of what he thinks, God will not forgive him of the things that he has done, until he is willing to forgive the other person. No one with unforgiven sins can enter Heaven. Even if a person were to be able to claim that he has no sin, if he has not forgiven another person who has wronged him, God will not cleanse his past, as seen in Matthew 6:14-15, and Mark 11:25-26. When he is willing to forgive the person who has wronged him, then the Lord will give him the ability to forgive that person.Satan uses an unforgiving spirit as a tool to keep many couples from having an effective spiritual life. Their prayer life, as well as the power of God working through them, becomes totally ineffective as long as they maintain this wedge between themselves and the Lord. The one feels that it is impossible to forgive the person who has offended him. The question should not be: "CAN I forgive the person?" but instead, "AM I WILLING to forgive the person?" As soon as we are willing, we can ask the Lord to enable us to forgive, and He will give us a forgiving spirit. Now, forgiving comes without any conditions.Forgiving for us does not mean forgetting, although it can lead to forgetting. Forgiving must be a choice on our part. From the human standpoint, forgiving means to not hold the situation AGAINST THE PERSON ANYMORE. This will be possible when we allow the Holy Spirit to cause a change to take place in our lives.The word "FORGIVE" means to cease to feel angry or resentful, and no longer hold it against the person.The word "PARDON" has an additional meaning, which can include a remission or removal of the legal consequences of a crime, conviction, error or offence. Legal consequences may be removed, but natural or physical consequences may still remain. An illustration could be that in a fit of anger one mate threw something that broke an expensive item in the home, or worse yet, destroyed an eye of one of the family members. Forgiveness may be given, but the effect of the outburst of anger could last the rest of their lives.Supposing a couple has a big argument over money, and later the wife goes out and buys $500 worth of things, but charges it to their credit card. She later realizes she should not have done it, so she asks her husband to forgive her. He is very willing to forgive her, but the "CONSEQUENCES" still have to be taken care of. Somehow more money has to come in, not only to get them out of their previous problem, but the new charges as well. We can ask our mates to forgive us when we have done things that we shouldn't have done, but we will reap what we have sown. Remember the consequences still must be taken care of.Two examples are seen in the Bible. In the first case Moses asks the Lord to pardon - or in other words, remove the legal consequences from the people:Numbers 14:12 "I will strike them with the pestilence and disinherit them, and I will make of you a nation greater and mightier than they."Numbers 14:19-2419. "Pardon the iniquity of this people, I pray, according to the greatness of Your mercy, just as You have forgiven this people, from Egypt even until now." 20. Then the Lord said: "I have pardoned, according to your word; 21. "but truly, as I live, all the earth shall be filled with the glory of the Lord; 22. "because all these men who have seen My glory and the signs which I did in Egypt and in the wilderness, and have put Me to the test now these ten times, and have not heeded My voice, 23. "they certainly shall not see the land of which I swore to their fathers, nor shall any of those who rejected Me see it. 24. "But My servant Caleb, because he has a different spirit in him and has followed Me fully, I will bring into the land where he went, and his descendants shall inherit it."God had told Moses to step aside so that He could completely destroy the disobedient people who had come out of Egypt. Moses immediately prayed, asking God to pardon them. God said He would pardon them, which meant the legal consequences would be removed, and they would not be destroyed at that time. The physical consequences were not removed, which meant they would never enter the Promised Land, but their children would grow up to do so.The second example is the time Jesus was on the cross. He asked God the Father to forgive them, but what happened to the consequences? We need to go back to the Sunday before the cross to see the prophecy.Luke 23:34 Then Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." And they divided His garments and cast lots.Luke 19:41-4441. Now as He drew near, He saw the city and wept over it, 42. saying, "If you had known, even you, especially in this your day, the things that make for your peace! But now they are hidden from your eyes. 43. "For the days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment around you, surround you and close you in on every side, 44. "and level you, and your children within you, to the ground; and they will not leave in you one stone upon another, because you did not know the time of your visitation."When Jesus asked the Father to forgive the people, what happened? First of all, He was setting an example for us to hold no grudges against others. Secondly, He was expecting God the Father to do two things:

1. Not hold the immediate actions against them.

2. Remove the legal consequences from them.

If God the Father had not removed the legal consequences, divine judgment could have immediately been poured out on them. On one occasion in the Old Testament, a hole in the ground opened up and 250 people were swallowed up in it. Another example is when the physical consequences were not removed, as seen in the prophecy of Luke 19:41-44. A few years later the Romans destroyed Jerusalem, and tortured a large number of people.

EMOTIONAL UPSETS
Angry behavior is out of place, because things may be said that could be very difficult to overcome. When a person feels that they are getting very angry, they need to tell the mate that they need some time to cool down. Lack of self-confidence or frustration needs to be dealt with. Sometimes this takes place because we need to change some old habits.There are times when we are bringing a problem that started outside the home, and then taking it out on our mate. A problem may have taken place at work, and the husband arrives home, then gets upset with his wife over some small thing. Since most flare-ups in the home are not really serious, couples should look for the root of the problem, correct it, and ask for forgiveness for getting upset over something small. Be slow to anger and quick to forgive and forget, see James 1:19.

Spiritual Growth

Love is of God, since it first came from Him. Spiritual matters must play an important part in the lives of the couple if they want God's blessing upon them. When this is not taken into consideration, the couple can have serious problems ahead, and may lead to shipwreck. God wants to bless the marriage, and His requirement is that they put Him first in their lives.Matthew 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.The couple who makes God first in their lives finds that He will help them in a time of trouble. He will also meet their needs as they depend on Him and operate in divine faith. When they make an effort to live close to the Lord they will find that the fruit of the Holy Spirit will become a part of their lives.Galatians 5:22-2322. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23. gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.Many couples treat prayer as a last resort, or as a fire extinguisher - to be used only in an emergency. God wants us to be in partnership with Him. He wants us to bring our needs to Him, expecting Him to meet them, just as a child takes his or her needs to his or her father. God wants to help us to be successful, and has promised in the Bible that He will teach us how to be successful and prosper. The key to this is to put God in first place in our lives.Deuteronomy 8:18 And you shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth, that HE MAY ESTABLISH HIS COVENANT which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day.Isaiah 48:17-1817. Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the Lord your God, WHO TEACHES YOU TO PROFIT, WHO LEADS YOU BY THE WAY YOU SHOULD GO." 18. Oh, that you had heeded My commandments! Then your peace would have been like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea.
The Lord is looking for people who are willing and wanting to be in a true partnership with Him. He will not only TEACH the person HOW to prosper, but will SEND business to him as well.

Early trains needed a rack rail to climb steep slopes, and some trains in very mountainous areas still use this system. A slotted middle rail is used to allow a pinion wheel on the engine to engage its teeth into the slots. When the wheel rotates in the slots, the train is propelled forward up the grade, at the same time preventing the train from sliding backwards. The Holy Spirit wants to work with us in the same way, helping us move forward in the will of the Lord, and not sliding back. This is possible in direct proportion to how we allow the Holy Spirit to direct us. He can bring provision and new life that will enable you to go over the top of the situation. It is necessary for us to realize that we need the power of the Lord, and then ask for His help.Matthew 11:28-3028. Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

HINDERING OUR PRAYERS
Husbands and wives have an obligation toward each other. Satan loves to cause a division between them, and an argument will frequently start. This will stop the prayers of the couple from being answered. Understand that these are not just the prayers that were prayed that day. Many times they have been praying for several months, and are almost at the point of receiving the answer. The answers to our prayers will be stopped until we decide to get rid of the argument, root of bitterness, or other problems that will stop the answer. Sometimes it is necessary to bind the spirits that are causing the division.1 Peter 3:7-107. Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, THAT YOUR PRAYERS MAY NOT BE HINDERED. 8. Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; 9. not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. 10. For "He who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit. (NKJ)Parents often blame their children for not being model children, not realizing that they have provided their children with a bad role model. The arguments, fights and bad examples of the parents stop their prayers from being answered.

DAILY DEVOTIONS
A baby that is not given food for a time may die of malnutrition. The same thing is true in the spiritual realm. It is very important that people be fed spiritually on a daily basis. People who do not have time, or allow time for Bible reading and prayer daily, will find that their spiritual life will fade away. They then miss the guidance of God and start getting into many more problems. God wants to be our Friend, and wants to help us daily, and this is possible when we allow time to communicate with Him.

PRAISING THE LORD FOR THE ANSWERS
Hebrews 13:15-1615. Therefore by Him let us continually OFFER THE SACRIFICE OF PRAISE to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name. 16. But do not forget to do good and to share, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.Psalm 67:3-73. Let the peoples PRAISE YOU, O God; let all the peoples PRAISE YOU. 4. Oh, let the nations be glad and sing for joy! For You shall judge the people righteously, and govern the nations on earth. 5. Let the peoples PRAISE YOU, O God; let all the peoples PRAISE YOU. 6. Then the earth shall yield her increase; God, our own God, shall bless us. 7. God shall bless us, and all the ends of the earth shall fear Him.There are times in our lives when we are faced with a situation and there seems to be nothing to praise the Lord about. That is the time when we must offer a sacrifice of praise FOR THE ANSWER WE ARE GOING TO RECEIVE. Praise becomes an avenue that allows the power of God to come to our aid.It takes faith to keep on praising the Lord during the time of trials. The enemy wants to tempt us when we are faced with problems, so that we will change our praises to complaints. We need to resist those temptations to be discouraged, or feel sorry for ourselves, and spend more time praising the Lord. Faith and praise should always work together.

Remember that the Spirit of the Lord inhabits the praises of His people, see Psalm 22:3. Where are you having problems? Is it taking place in your marriage or home, work or business? Regardless of where it is, spend time praising the Lord for the answers that are going to come. Do not remind the Lord of the things that are going wrong. Remind God of the promises in His Word that you are depending on to overcome the problems. Praise Him that He is going to honor His Word, which will cause the problems to be overcome.We are to praise Him WITH OUR WHOLE HEART. The more we sincerely praise the Lord, the more we will find that God will give us something to praise Him about. Many Christians limit their praising the Lord, to the times when they have something to be joyful about. They hurt themselves by doing this because they limit the power of God from flowing. There are times when we do not feel like praising the Lord, and it becomes necessary to spend time giving a sacrifice of praise to God, see Hebrews 13:15.Troubles in the world are going to greatly increase in the near future. God wants to help us immensely during that time. This will only be possible if we raise our level of faith to match the needs that will be facing us. We raise our level of divine faith by spending more time reading our Bibles, see Romans 10:17.It is also necessary to believe what we read, and understand what we believe, see Matthew 13-14, 19, Isaiah 6:9. The next thing that is needed is to act on what we believe.

Gordon H. Richards
Copyright © 2003-2005
Jesus tells us in Matthew 10:8 "Freely you have received, freely give." Although this material is copyrighted, I freely give you permission to make photocopies, electronic or all other types of copies of this material for distribution, providing credit is given to Love Without Borders Ministries Inc. In the event that the material is translated into another language the author would appreciate it if a copy of the translation is sent to him at the following address:
Love Without Borders Ministries, Inc.Website: www.jesus4you.comE-mail: jesus4you_com@yahoo.com

Disease management protocols for Depression.

For Depression here are the clinical management protocols.
1) Strict adherence to medication and management protocols
2) Conflict resolution and management on a daily basis
3) Positive self care (don't do nothing, don't do everything, just do something)
4) Daily must do something in all of these five categories:
A. Mental = think & process, read a book
B. Physical = excersize even if its only 15 minute walk
C. Social = people contact, call someone, go to a mall, visit a friend
D. Emotional = communicate your feelings
E. Spiritual = pray, read bible, meditate on word,
5) Disputing irrational thoughts
6) Managing physical pain & symptoms

Here are some tools I've pooled together that have helped me, that I've already posted.

Here is a good practical way to take you thoughts captive and dispute lies and irrational thoughts we believe. The ABC Framework of Processing Thoughts, Disputing Irrational Beliefs and Distorted Thinking - http://manupministries.blogspot.com/2007/07/abc-framework-of-processing-thoughts.html

Here is another tool. Fifteen Ways To Untwist Your Thinking - http://manupministries.blogspot.com/2007/07/fifteen-ways-to-untwist-your-thinking.html

This check list helps you evaluate what types of distortions are we believing. Distorted Thinking Chart Checklist - http://manupministries.blogspot.com/2007/07/distorted-thinking-chart-checklist.html

Here are 12 Irrational Ideas That Cause and Sustain Depreession + 3 Core Irrational Beliefs - http://manupministries.blogspot.com/2007/07/12-irrational-ideas-that-cause-and.html