How People Grow - Part 1
"Harder than I thought"It was my first day on the job in a Christian psychiatric hospital. I was like a kid on Christmas morning. I had been taking college and seminary glasses and reading all that I could get my hands on about Christian counseling for about four years, and I was ready to put my knowledge into practice. I showed up at the medical center in Dallas early that morning all geared up to teach the patients how to find the life I know awaited them as soon as they learned the truth I had been taught.
I looked down the hall, and a woman in a pink bathrobe walked out of her room. She extended her arms outward and exclaimed, "I am Mary, Mother of God!"
Now think about it. Here I am, brand new at Christian counseling, thinking all I had to do was come in and tell people God loved them. If they would understand more of what he has said, they would be well. But when I heard what this woman said, I thought: This is going to be harder than I thought. It was a thought I would have many times in the year to come.
Four Models of How People Grow
In Christian circles at the time I was beginning training, there were basically four popular ways of thinking about personal growth: the sin model, the truth model, the experiential model, and the supernatural model.
The sin model said that all problems are a result of one's sin. If you struggled in your marriage or with an emotional problem such as depression, the role of the helper was to find the sin and confront you urging you to confess, repent, and sin no more. If you did that, you were sure to get better. I was like many three-point sermons you may have heard in Bible churches:
1. God is good.
2. You are bad.
3. Stop it.
The truth model held that the truth would set you free. If you were not "free," if some area of your life were not working, it must be because you lacked "truth" in you life. So the helper's role was to urge you to learn more verses, memorize more Scripture, and learn more doctrine (particularly in your "position in Christ"), and then all of the truth would make its way from your head to your heart and ultimately into your behavior and emotions. Passages that emphasize knowing truth, renewing your mind, and how you "think in your heart" became a new theology of "thinking truth to gain emotional health."
The experiential model held that you had to get to the pain in your life-find the abuse or the hurt-and then somehow "get it out." Proponents of the more spiritual versions of this model either took the pain to Jesus or took Jesus to the pain. In a kind of emotional archaeology, people would dig up hurts from the past and seek healing through prayer or and clearing out the pain. This model emphasized Jesus' ability to transcend time; he could be there with you in your pain or abuse and could change it.
The supernatural model had many variations. Charismatics sought instant healing and deliverance; others depended on the Holy Spirit to make the change happen as he lived his life through them. Exchanged life people (those who held that you just get out of the way so Christ can reproduce his life in you) as well as other very well-grounded students of the spiritual life trusted God to lead them and make changes in them.
While I saw value in all four models—and practiced all four to some degree—it wasn't difficult for me to decide which one made the most sense. After all, I was heavily into theology and studying the Bible, learning doctrine, and knowing everything I could about God and the faith. I have always been a big believer in the authority of the Bible. So I found the most truth in the truth model. I found enormous security in learning about God's plan for life, his sovereignty, my position in him, and the doctrines of forgiveness, justification, and the security of the believer. I believed in the power of the Bible and knew that God's truth could change any life. I knew that if I could just teach others the same things and encourage them to know the truth as I was learning it, they would find the same kind of growth I had discovered.Yet, at the medical center I saw people who had walked with God for years and many who knew more about God's truth than I did. These people had been diligent about prayer, Bible study, and other spiritual disciplines. Nevertheless, they were hurting, and for one reason or another, they had been unable to walk through their valley.
To deal with marital, parenting, emotional, and work struggles, people tried the things they had been taught, and felt as though these spiritual answers had let them down. I began to feel the same way. Again the realization hit me: This is going to be harder than I thought.
The Failure of the Truth Model
I would teach people about God's love, but their depression would not go away. I would teach them about the crucified life, and their addictions would remain. They would focus on their "security in Christ," yet their panic attacks would be unyielding. I was discouraged about the power of "supernatural interventions" as well as my chosen profession.
Don't misunderstand. It wasn't that people weren't getting better and gaining some relief from these methods. They were. I often saw people improve. Prayer, learning Scripture, and repentance were very powerful elements in healing many clinical conditions. But something was missing. The feeling that "there has to be more" nagged at me.
Four things specifically bothered me again and again:
1. Spiritual methods didn't solve some problems.
2.Life problems were often "helped" but not "cured"; spiritual interventions often only helped people to cope better.
3. Sincere, righteous, diligent, and mature Christians hit a ceiling in some area of life growth.
4. Spiritual growth grounded in good theology should be helping to solve these problems a lot more than it was.
Then something happened in the next four to five years that turned my world upside down. I saw people grow past their stuck places. I saw the things I had gone into the field to see. I saw real change. Instead of seeing depressed people coping better with depression, I saw depressed people grow out of their depression. Instead of seeing people with eating disorders cope better with their eating disorders, I saw them get over them altogether. Instead of seeing people with relational problems cope better, I saw them grow in their ability to be intimate and make relationships work. I saw processes that actually changed people's lives; I found the "something more" I had been looking for. People were growing past their "ceilings."
There was one big problem: What helped people grow did not seem to be what I had been taught was the "Christian" way to grow. It involved deep transformations of the soul that I had never seen. So I was faced with a dilemma.
It seemed to me that there was the spiritual life, where we learned about God and grew in our relationship to him, and then there was the emotional and relational life, where we learned how to solve real-life problems. But it made no sense to me that there were answers other than spiritual ones. My theology taught me that God answers all of life's problems. We suffer because we live in a fallen world. God has redeemed the world, and as the Bible says, he has given us everything pertaining to life (2 Peter 1:3) How could there be spiritual growth and then "other" growth?
I could not live a divided life. Therefore, I studied the Bible again to find an answer to the guiding question of my life: How does spiritual growth address and solve life's problems?
What I found was amazing. I saw that everything I had been learning that helped people grow was right there in the Bible all along. All the processes that had changed peoples' lives were in the pages of Scripture. The Bible talked about the things that helped people grow in relational and emotional areas as well as spiritual ones. I was ecstatic. Not only was the Bible true, but what was true was in the Bible!
Spiritual growth is not only about coming back into a relationship with God and each other, and about pursuing a pure life, but it is also about coming back to life-the life that God created for people to live. This life of deep relationship, fulfilling work, celebration, and more gives us the life we desire and solves our problems.
How People Grow - Part 2
Many times, in the process of helping people grow (or in our own growth), we forget the big picture of what God is doing in the human race. We get caught up in the particulars of helping someone restore his or her emotional or spiritual health, heal a hurting marriage, or make life work, and we lose sight of the bigger picture.
But there really is a big picture. It is the story of God and his creation that was lost, and of his work to restore it to himself. This big picture is very important as we think about entering into the specifics of people's lives; we must not lose sight of what God is doing in the world.
Many times we forget the way things should be, and we forget what we are trying to accomplish in helping people grow. We focus on the wrong issues. We zero in on the "problem," such as depression or intimacy, as though this problem were the main issue. Or we hammer in on a pattern of behavior we think is the sin behind the struggle, and we think that if we can get the person to be good enough, then we have helped him or her.
This thinking happens not only when we help people with personal problems, but also when we preach, teach, disciple, or encourage people to engage in spiritual disciplines. We speak to problems and "symptoms" or try various religious formulas, and we miss the real life-changing dynamics of the "ministry of reconciliation." After all, it is far easier to focus on a particular problem in someone's life, or to focus on his or her particular way of "missing the mark," than it is to figure out the ways that the Fall is still operative in the person's life and discover a redemptive path that will "reconcile" his or her life. We focus on the symptom and not the root issue.
But the call to reconcile people to God (2 Corinthians 5:18-19) is a call to address the root issue. We are not just to help others "feel better" or relate better or perform better. And God forbid, we are not just to try to get them to "do better" either. This is the essence of the pharisaical life. But as Paul said, we have been given this "ministry of reconciliation." We are to be working with God as he reconciles all things "to himself."
The question then becomes "What are we trying to reconcile?" First, we are obviously trying to get people back into a relationship with God. But beyond that, we generally see only two other emphases; one is to reconcile people to each other, and the other is to reconcile people to the idea of holiness and pure living. For many, these three emphases constitute the ministry of reconciliation. Great life changes and healing are to be had when these three things occur.
But there is more to be done. Spiritual growth is not only about coming back into a relationship with God and each other, and about pursuing a pure life, but it is also about coming back to life-the life God created for people to live. This life of deep relationship, fulfilling work, celebration and more, gives us the life we desire and solves our problems. As Paul says, we are "separated from the life of God" (Ephesians 4:18). We must be reconciled to life the way it was created to work. The essence of the book How People Grow covers how we believe this process works. But to get started let's take a look at the way God created life (Creation), what happened to that life (the Fall), and what God has said about getting it back (Redemption).
Act One: Creation
Big Idea #1 - God is the Source
In the beginning there was God, and God created the heavens and the earth. Everything starts out with God as the Source. This is point number one in the Bible, and this is point number one in our theology of growth as well. Nothing was created before God, and everything that exists came from him. This includes all the "stuff" of life—the resources, the principles, the purposes, the meaning—everything!After making the "stuff," God made humankind and breathed life into them (Genesis 2:7). We have to understand this to mean that it includes bringing life to dead situations in our lives. God is not only Creator but also re-creator of life. It becomes the system of how one overcomes a depression or heals a marriage or rescues a failing business career. It is how God works with us to bring a marriage or career back to life.
Big Idea #2 - Relationship
When God created humans, he put them into relationship, first with him and then with each other. God made people for himself and for one another. Adam depended on a relationship with God for life. But even with that relationship, he needed human connection as well. As God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). Man was incomplete with God alone. So we see at the outset that relationship was at the core of the way things were created. The relationship was designed to be vulnerable and open, without duplicity and without brokenness or breach.
Big Idea #3 - God is the Boss
Relationships were not just tossed in a bowl like a salad. There was an order to them. First of all, in the relationship between God and humans, God was the Boss, the Authority. Not only was he the Source-but he was also in charge. He spelled out what people could do and enjoy, and what they shouldn't do. He wanted them to take care of the garden and have a good time. But he also gave them a warning about exceeding the role he had given them. There were limits. He gave the limits because he knew that exceeding those limits would actually cause death. Life and submission to God were one and the same.
Big Idea #4 - Roles of God, Roles of People
We have distinctly different roles in this order of creation. Let's look at those roles.
God's role was to be the source; our role was to depend on the source. God's role was to provide and our role was to receive. Our role was to be a dependent one. Independence is not an option for us. God existed without us, not vice versa. So the role we must take in life is not only for dependency, but also against self-sufficiency. Our role is to recognize our limits and to transcend those limits by looking outside our ourselves for life.
The same limitation applies to our relationship with each other. We are limited in our ability to provide what we need for ourselves without another person to relate to. We need other people and cannot live independently from them either. The results of trying to live apart from our need for others is disastrous and never works. We must depend on the outside for love.
God's role was to be in control; our role was to yield to God's control of the world and to control our self. God had done the creating; Adam and Eve could not control that. God had placed them in the garden; they did not control the environment in which they found themselves. God was in control of the universe and what happened. He was in charge of the big picture. So many of people's problems come from trying to control things outside of their control, and when they try, they lose control of themselves. Our control of the "big picture" was limited. In fact, we had none. But we did have control of our own behavior, and we were to exercise that responsibly.
God's role is to be in control of the big picture, and our role is to be in control of our self and our responsibilities.
God was the judge of life; we were to experience life. Another role God had was to know good from evil. He had that role and did not want it passed on to humanity. He did not want humans to know what he knew about evil or have to judge it. He simply wanted us to live the good life: doing good, enjoying good.
God made the rules; we were to obey them. God designed life the way it was supposed to be and the rules on how to live it. We were to obey them. God did not consult us on setting up the rules and the design of life. He just made the reality and then told us to obey it.
The Whole PackageIf you think about it, this was pretty much the life everyone is looking for: a great place to live, the perfect mate, lots of good things to occupy your time, and a job that fits your makeup.
If these things had remained in place, there would be no need for this website. We would not need to think about how people grow or how to overcome life's problems. We would still be in the garden experiencing life as it was designed, and we would not even be aware of what life would look like any other way. But this did not happen. Instead of remaining the innocent crown of creation, we took a great tumble, which brings us to Act Two, where we try to gain independence, take control, become the judge, and make our own rules.
How People Grow - Part 3
Spiritual growth is not only about coming back into a relationship with God and each other, and about pursuing a pure life, but it is also about coming back to life—the life God created for people to live. This life of deep relationship, fulfilling work, celebration and more, gives us the life we desire and solves our problems. As Paul says, we are "separated from the life of God" (Ephesians 4:18). We must be reconciled to life the way it was created to work. The essence of the book How People Grow covers how we believe this process works. But to get started let's take a look at the way God created life (Creation), what happened to that life (the Fall), and what God has said about getting it back (Redemption).
Last time we talked about Act One: The Creation, this time let's look at what happened when the created order was reversed in Act Two: The Fall.
Act Two: The Fall
The next act in the cosmic drama happened after Creation. Adam and Eve did not continue in the design that we saw earlier. They decided that God's design was not for them and that they would do things their own way. In one fell swoop, they reversed the entire created order.
The Tempter came along and told them they could live apart from God, have control of their own lives, and have it in their own way. They could be to themselves all that God was to have been to them.
But, as we know, this was a lie. The man and woman did not become like God at all. Instead, in trying to become God, they became less of themselves. This is why we need spiritual growth. We have become less than we were created to be.
In short, they lost it all. They lost themselves, each other, and the life they were created to have. They overturned the entire design and look what happened:
They became independent from the Source. When Adam and Eve ate from the tree, they moved away from God and tried to gain life apart from him. They thought they could get knowledge and wisdom apart from the Source. They no longer needed him and had taken a step away from their role of dependency.
They lost their relationships. In addition to becoming independent from God, they lost their relationship with him as well as with each other. This is what death is. When God said they would die, he meant that they would be separated from him who is life. The relationship and intimacy they had with their Creator was lost: they had become separated from him.
They also lost their other primary relationship, the one with each other. Instantly they became "naked and ashamed" and covered themselves with fig leaves. Their intimacy and vulnerability had been lost, and their ability to trust each other and have good relationship was lost. From that point one, we see humans trading trust, fairness, love and honesty with each other for alienation, unfairness, adversarial relationships and dishonesty. Love became much harder to find and sustain.
They reversed the structure and order. In the creation, God was on top, and Adam and Eve answered to his authority. But in the Fall, humans tried to usurpt that structure and become their own boss. They tried to become "like God." In short, they became self-sufficient, controlling people who were judgmental and lived by their own rules.
They reversed the roles.Here are the roles as God created them:
God
Humans
He is the Source.
We depend on him.
He is the Creator.
We are the creation and cannot exist unto ourselves.
He has control of the world.
We have control of ourselves.
He is the judge of life.
We are to experience life.
He designed life & its rules.
We obey the rules and live the life he designed.
Here is a snapshot of how the roles changed after the Fall:
The Desire
The Result
We are the source.
We depend on ourselves.
We are the creator.
We exist unto ourselves.
We have control of the world.
We try to control our world and lose control of ourselves.
We design life and the rules.
We live any way we want to.
In the Fall, humans tried to reverse these created roles in their attempt to become like God. We, as the offspring of Adam and Eve, stopped depending on God and tried to become the source of life for ourselves. We stopped seeing ourselves as creatures and acted as if we could live apart from our Creator. We desired to control things we could not control, including each other, and we lost control of ourselves. We tried to become the judge, and we ended up being judgmental instead; we lost our ability to experience life and each other by exercising the very judgment we desire. We stopped obeying God's design and rules and made up our own.
In other words, Adam and Eve tried to become God, and in the process they lost themselves. In trying to become what they could never be—God—they lost their ability to be what only they could be—themselves. And we have been search for ourselves ever since.
Fortunately, God did not allow things to stay that way. He had another plan.
How People Grow - Part 4
God in Christ is "reconciling" all things. He was and is bringing it all back to the way it is supposed to be. He redeemed, or got back, his creation and is putting it all back in place. How did he do this?
God paid the price to gain it all back. The holy God required the death penalty for the sin of humankind. And as the Bible tells us, he laid all of this sin upon Jesus (Isaiah 53:5-6). This paved the way for God to have it all back and return everything to its rightful order. This is what redemption does for each and every human who applies it to his or her life. This application of redemption is the process of growth itself. It is the returning of everything to its rightful, "righteous" place before God. This is why, in our view, to solve life's problems and to grow spiritually are one and the same thing.
Let's look at what the return to the rightful place looks like and what the path of how people grow will look like as well.
Return to the Source
In redemption, we come back to God as the source of life. We retreat from our independence from him and our attempt to be "self-made." We see that to make life work, we must turn to the One who makes life work. As we "seek first the kingdom of God," we see that all the things of life are "added unto us" (Matthew 6:33). God is the one who adds life.
Also we find that God is the source of healing and growth. How many self-improvement paths end up in despair until someone finds God? In redemption, we find that God will be the source of healing and growth if we will turn to him. True growth begins with realizing that we are "poor in spirit" and from this humble position reaching out to God and receiving all that he had for us (Matthew 5:3). When we realize that God is the source, we realize that we are impoverished, and this puts us into a position to receive from him.
So redemption helps us get to the end of our attempt to provide for ourselves. Instead, we turn to God for strength, truth, healing, care, correction, and a whole host of other things. But none of these are available to those who are still trying to provide them for themselves.
Return to Relationship
To return to the created order means to get back into relationship with God and with each other. As Jesus said, all of the commandments can be summed up in the two greatest commandments—loving God and loving others (Matthew 22:37-40). Everything in life depends on these two relationships.
Redemption puts us back into those two relationships. First, it reconciles us into a relationship with God through faith and forgiveness, re-establishing a connection. Second, redemption brings us back to the rightful restoration of connectedness with others as it stresses love, caring for one another, forgiving one another, teaching one another, etc. Without restoration of relationship with each other, we would still be in a state of alienation and not able to have the connections that provide the things we need to live and to grow. Redemption reverses our alienation and isolation from each other and gets us rightly reconnected.
Return to Order
Redemption is also a "surrender" to God as Lord. As Jesus said, the first and the greatest commandment is to love God first. It is the commandment that makes all the others work, for it is the one that ensures I am going to do it all his way. If I do it his way, life will be better. To reverse the Fall means to live under submission to him, thus reversing the rebellion against his rulership in my life. So, when I want to do destructive things, he tells me not to do them. Being redeemed, I listen and obey. Since this is difficult on my own power, redemption gives me two new sources of power to help me in this newfound obedience. I have God as a source of power, and I have others to support me. It is no longer just my sinful, rebellious nature and me. I have a new nature in me, one that is empowered by God to follow God and submit to him. I also have a body of people to help me to do that as well. For the first time since the Fall, I am in a position to obey God and submit to him.
Return to the Roles
In the Fall, we reversed the roles of humankind and God. We tried to fulfill his roles and then lost our ability to fulfill the ones we were created for. In redemption, we reconcile things to the way they were supposed to be.
We become dependent and give up our independent stance before God and others.
We give up trying to control things we cannot control and yield to and trust God's control. Also, we regain control of what we were created to control in the first place—ourselves. We regain the fruit of "self-control."
We give up the role of playing judge with others and ourselves. So, by not being God, we are free to be who we truly are, and allow others to be who they truly are as well.
We stop redesigning life and making new rules and instead, live the life God designed us to live.
What God does in redemption and in our growth is so simple. At the same time, it is complicated and profound. Often, we don't even recognize these simple issues as they play out in our lives and relationships.
The questions we want to answer in our book How People Grow are: How does the fall of mankind cause our problems? And how does the redemptive process God set up cause us to grow and resolve life's issues? Perhaps these are questions you've been asking. If so, you may be interested in getting a copy of How People Grow.
How People Grow - Part 5
The God of GraceOne of the biggest obstacles of growth is our view of God. If we are going to grow in relation to God, then we must know who God is and what he is really like. I have been amazed—in my own life as well as in the lives of others, at how unnatural it is for us to see God as he really is. In fact, one of Jesus' main emphases was to show people how their concept of God was way out of whack.
Jesus had been on a mission to show people what God was really like. "Immanuel"—one of the names given to Jesus—means "God with us." And when Jesus walked the earth, he showed us a very different God than we might expect.
A True View of God
People do not grow until they shift from a natural human view of God to a real, biblical view of God. The first aspect of that shift has to be the shift from a God of law to the God of grace. People must discover that God is for them and not against them. This is what it means to have a God of grace.
Many Christians misunderstand grace; even those who are helping people grow. Often people think that grace means forgiveness or the absence of condemnation. And the God of grace is the one who forgives. But while forgiveness is an expression of the grace of God, grace is much bigger than just forgiveness. Theologically, grace is unmerited favor. This definition has two important implications:
Favor means that God is for us and not against us. He is on our side and desires good for us and not evil.
His favor cannot be earned, and even if it could be, we do not have the means with which to earn it. We cannot merit it. Therefore, he will freely give us things we cannot provide for ourselves.
Practically, these two implications of grace undergird the entire growth process. To grow, we need things that we do not have and cannot provide, and we need to have a source of those things who looks favorably upon us and who does things for us for our own good.
Grace teaches that God is inclined to help us in our failure and that he sees our inability as part of reality and he is not mad at our weakness. In fact, he calls it a "blessed" state, our being unable to do what we need to do (Matthew 5:3; 2 Corinthians 12:9-12). Imagine that!
Getting to the Need for Grace
To get people to a place of grace they must experience a need first. They must be aware of death. Sometimes we must help people get to a "death experience" for grace to take effect and growth to begin. We must let them (and sometimes help them) reach the end of themselves and find out that things really are bad. This is contrary to what many counselors, groups, and teachers do. We live in an age of people wanting to feel good and avoid pain, and sometimes we construct ministries geared to making people feel good about themselves.
John and I once felt very understood and validated when a man told us, "I think I get it. The ministry I used to go to was into winning, and you guys are into losing!" We laughed but we knew what he was getting at. We had been talking to him about facing the fact that all of his attempts at success and building "self-esteem" were taking him farther away from the answer to his problems. He had to get to a place where he faced how bad things really were; things were not going to get better until he saw that reality. This is what addicts call "hitting bottom." It is the realization that one has come to the end of himself. Some have called it "ego death."
In your work with people, you have to be an executioner, showing them that all of their efforts have not worked and they need to die to trying. To get people to give up is very hard, but it must be done so that they can try God instead.
Confrontation is an important tool to get someone to see his inability to change and to see his need for help. Many people are too softhearted; they give encouragement to someone who needs discouragement instead. To encourage a powerless person to try harder is one of the worst things you could possibly do. The best thing you can do is to discourage him from believing that he can do it on his own. People will never get to the end of themselves unless they see themselves as failing.
Putting Grace and Truth Together
In summary, we have seen how a relationship with God affects growth. First for growth to occur, we have to seek. We have heard Jesus' words to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness so that life could be added to us. Spiritual growth is the foundation of any kind of "life building."
Second, we need to know the God we seek. In desiring to find God, we often to not have a true view of his grace. We sometimes see him as a religious standard that we must live up to and we fail to see his acceptance for who we truly are. Or, more commonly in the evangelical world, although we see God as the God of grace, the view of grace that guides us is basically one of forgiveness. Grace that leads to true transformation though, is one of unmerited favor—the understanding that God is truly for us and that he will provide what we cannot provide for ourselves. Grace means that we receive the gifts we need for growth to occur. We don't "will-power" our way there.
Third, grace does not come easily and we do not naturally recognize it. It only comes in the classroom of God's law. We encounter the law of God, either through realizing our failure to attain his standard and thus our need for his grace. Or, through experiencing the consequences of our lives fall short of the standard. Either way we die to self. We must realize we have failed and we have no hope of reaching the life we desire in and of ourselves. Then after that, the law of God guides us—empowered by grace to structure life as it was created to be. His principals are a "lamp unto our feet."
How People Grow - Part 6
What if Jesus came to your house today for a visit, and you told him you wanted to grow. What would you expect him to do? Heal you? Teach you? Challenge you? Give you new talents? Think about it.
I can come up with many things I would want him to do, and I can think of a number of things I might expect him to do, but one of the last things I would expect him to say is, "Oh, you want to grow? Well, if that is what you want, I will have to leave. See you later." And I would never expect him to walk away. Wouldn't this be a strange way for him to produce growth in us?
But that is exactly what Jesus did. For reasons we do not fully understand, Jesus decided to go to heaven and work on us from there. He sent the Holy Spirit to be with us and produce the growth and change we seek. He said that this is better than his being here himself. Given this information, think of how incredible it is to have the Holy Spirit in our lives.
So what are we to do with the Holy Spirit?When I first began my path of growth, I wondered one day if God wanted to have anything to do with me anymore. I prayed, and God did not seem to answer me; my hurts and pains were not quickly going away. I thought God had left me.
In the midst of these thoughts I remember a pastor telling me, "If God were through with you, you would not be worried about it or wanting to have anything to do with him. The desire you feel for him and for growth can only come from him and his Spirit. If you are moving toward God, it's because he's moving toward you. Rest in this fact. If you want him, he is looking for you."
God not only begins a process in us, wooing us to him, but also pushes our growth to completion. If we feel some desire toward completion, God has not given up on us. He is still wooing, revealing light, and working to make us whole. Knowing his Spirit is at work in you is a very good place to begin working on any issue in life. So the first point of how the Holy Spirit operates in our life is this: The Spirit begins the process of growth by wooing us to Jesus, and he is working to finish the task.
Last week, in the feature article on The God of Grace we talked about the importance of knowing that God is for us and not against us. In any relationship, to grow and change we must first know we are secure. Our relationship with God is no different. How can we know we belong to him? How can we be sure we are secure?
The Holy Spirit is the one who gives us this security. After bringing us to a relationship with God, he locks the door behind us. Just as Noah locked the door of the ark to save a remnant of life from the flood, the Holy Spirit locks the door of our saving "ship," our relationship with Jesus.
When we put our trust in Jesus, we enter the boat, so to speak, and the door is sealed behind us. Through the sealing work of the Holy Spirit, God himself protects us to be always his. This has wonderful implications for the growth process. We cannot work on the real issues of our lives if we are insecure in our relationship with God. Because of the work of the Holy Spirit sealing us in him, we can stop worrying.
One way to help someone know that this has happened in her life is to ask her what she believes about Jesus. If she believes he is the Christ and she trust him forgiveness, then this is proof she has been sealed with the Holy Spirit. The Bible says we can only believe if we are born of the Spirit, if he is inside us.
After we know we are secure, then what? I wish I had a formula to give you about how the Holy Spirit works in the rest of life. It feels as if I have read everything ever written by those who say they do know the formulas, and I've tried almost everything I've read. All I can say is that in my experience, the formulas have mostly failed me. The Holy Spirit cannot be controlled.
But when we think about it, this makes perfect sense and also fits what the Bible says, for the Holy Spirit is a Person, not a thing. We can't reduce the work of the Holy Spirit to a formula. What we can do is what the Bible tells us to do: Ask for him to be in our lives and to help us. God promises us that if we ask him for the Spirit, he will come. Basically, if there is a formula to how the Spirit works in our lives, this is it. It is to seek him, ask for him, and then follow him.
The best way to think about the Holy Spirit and growth is to think about a moment-by-moment relationship of dependency on him. We depend on him to guide us, lead us, talk to us, reveal truth to us, empower us to do what we can't do, give us gifts to be able to give to others what they need, and many other things. But all this happens in an "abiding" sort of way. We yield to him and follow. We open up our hearts and begin to be "filled" with him. We ask him to invade all that we are and to work in us. In a sense, we give ourselves to him as we live out the life of growth.
Therefore, in light of the growth processes we encounter, life in the Spirit means that we do not "do growth" without him. It also means that he does not do growth "without us." The miracle of the Holy Spirit's invasion of our lives is that he is at work within us to change us, to lead us and to guide us, but there is still an "us."
Paul said in Galatians 2:20, "I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." What a paradox.
The important thing to remember is this: The Spirit-filled life is a supernatural life that surpasses our strengths and abilities. We can depend on that. The Spirit has promised it. But his does not mean that we do not have to do anything. We still have to step out in faith. We have to risk. We have to love, open up, confess, reach out, repent, obey and do all the other things we are commanded to do. Our part is to live the life. But we do not have to do it alone or in our own power. We are partners with the Spirit.
One thing is sure, the Holy Spirit cannot lead us any further unless we take the first step to follow him into the truth he is showing us. If he shows me an issue I have to deal with, then I have to take the steps to deal with it. If he shows me a sin, I have to deal with that. He leads, we follow. That is "keeping in step with the Spirit." It is a relationship we follow step by step.
How People Grow - Part 7
Is what you know in your head about forgiveness different from what you feel in your soul? Do you still feel guilty about something you have done even though you know you are forgiven?
You are not alone. I have talked to many people who ask God for his forgiveness, receive it, and then find they cannot feel it. They try to feel forgiven, but instead find that, even though the Bible says they are forgiven, guilt plagues them for a long time.
Sadly, they do not know what to do other than what they have tried. That is, to ask God again for forgiveness and to read what he has said. So they pray and read over and over again 1 John 1:9, which says, "If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong." This helps for a moment, but when the guilt remains, they often do not know what to do.
The bottom line is that there is "theological" guilt that comes from being separated from God, and this guilt can be resolved by being reconnected to God through Jesus. This theological guilt was total and legal. The resolution is also total and legal. We go from being guilty before God to not guilty before God just by believing. Separation from God equals guilty, and reconciled equals not guilty. This is the theology of guilt in the Christian faith. Therefore, since Christians believe, and belief is what gets rid of guilt, a "guilty Christian" is a theological oxymoron.
But what if you still feel guilty?
The Bible talks about our legal standing before God, and about how God feels toward us. But, it does not talk much about how we feel within ourselves in relation to this problem of guilt. How we feel in response to how God sees us is the other side of the guilt equation. In this way, our relationship to God is like any other relationship. A husband, for example, can love his wife deeply, but this does not ensure that his wife is going to "feel" loved. She may be deeply cared about and accepted and yet unable to experience the love her husband has for her.
Have you ever been in a relationship where someone needed constant reassurance of your love? Your loved one asked you over and over again if you cared, and no matter what you did to show your love, it did not get through. After a while, you realized that your reassurances were not all that was needed to help the other person. She had a problem in her heart. She had a block to feeling loved. To tell her a thousand more times would not completely solve the problem. If she were ever going to feel your love, she was going to have to find out what inside of her was keeping her from feeling it.
It is the same with our relationship with God. Our hearts can condemn us even when God does not. So we have to ask, "What is wrong with our side of the equation? What are the conditions inside of us that prevent us from feeling forgiveness even when we are surely forgiven? This is the question we all have to ask if we struggle with guilt. Let's look at some of the answers.
Wrong TeachingThe first question I always ask someone who is struggling with guilt is, "What do you know about what the Bible teaches?" After working with many Christians over the years, I've been amazed at how many do not know what I have just written above. Many are taught that we are forgiven until we sin again and then we have to be forgiven all over again. Then they struggle with whether or not their confession was good enough. The Bible does not say that we go into a state of guilt when we sin. In fact, it makes light of the old sacrificial system that could never relieve us of feeling guilty.
Some have never been taught how forgiven they are when they believe in Jesus. They truly have been forgiven "once and for all," and there is truly "no condemnation." So the first thing a person needs to understand is that if they are reconnected to God, through a relationship with Jesus, they are not guilty. Their problem may not be that their emotions are not following their knowledge. They just may not know in the first place.
In cases like this, it is crucial that people learn what the Bible really says about forgiveness and God's grace. Meditating on and memorizing Scripture verses about forgiveness and grace should be part of their regular diet until they understand what God says about "no condemnation." They need to be able to answer their internal accusations with God's truth.
Now let's look at some other causes of guilt.
False Standards
People who grow up with unrealistic standards from their parents, the media or the culture often have an "ideal" person in their head to which they compare themselves, and the result is relentless guilt or shame. Their perfectionistic standard beats them up daily. The reality is that we struggle to the degree that we should, given what has happened to us. As Jesus said, we are broken and sick and need a physician.
However, people have difficulty accepting their brokenness. And yet, the fact that we are broken is actually the standard the Bible tells us to use to judge ourselves. We need to remember our standard to judge ourselves is not an ideal standard; it is a broken standard—broken people. God remembers that standard when he measures us. He knows that we are a bunch of broken strugglers. Often we forget that.
Anytime I hear, I shouldn't feel depressed. Or, I should be making more progress; I know these clients are listening to the accusing voice of a false standard. While they may not want to be where they are forever, it's truly how they feel at the moment. There is a reason why they feel this way—the "shoulds" (how they think they should feel) won't change that reality. They must find the reason that they are where they are.
People who struggle with making a career or something in life work often operate under a different false standard. They expect to be able to do things on the first try, when the reality is that things take time and effort. When they hear stories from others about how hard it was to succeed and how many failures and false starts were endured, they can give themselves more grace. Testimonies and support groups are a great source of encouragement for people. They find that others did not just "arrive" at success but had to work very hard and fail many times to get there. In short, community "normalizes" failure.
One of the most destructive causes of guilt is emotional and spiritual isolation. The maxim to remember is this; an alone self is a bad self. If someone feels alone he or she is going to feel bad. The answer is not goodness or most self-esteem. The answer is love. This is the reason we have a gospel of reconciliation—of relationship with God and others, instead of a gospel of being "better people." For if we get reconciled, we will be better but we won't be obsessed with it. The "knowledge of good and evil" will not be the big issue. How well we are doing or how good we are will not enter our mind. But instead, the big issue will be love.
In the area of resolving guilt, make sure you are on a mission to end internal isolation. If you find people who feel "bad" about themselves, find the isolated part of their heart and give them grace, love and connection. If you do that you will cure a lot of the guilt.
This is one reason abuse victims feel so bad about themselves. The abuse has made getting close to others and trusting very difficult. Isolation takes over their soul. As a result they feel like a bad person, even when that is the farthest thing from the truth. Love will do away with that state. If people know they are loved, they are not afraid of their "badness." They feel accepted and safe, and they do not have to feel "good" about themselves to be safe. Love does that. In the Bible, the opposite of "bad" is not "good." It is love.
The good news is that Jesus said he did not come into the world to judge or condemn it. If this is true, how on earth did the institution he began turn into one of the guiltiest place on earth? This is a big problem. The one who came to end guilt, has it dished out in his name over and over. The Bible teaches there should be no guilt for the Christian. There should be the freedom of no condemnation, along with—and here's the kicker—deep concern for real problems and issues.
So as you work on your guilt or the guilt of others, remember that it is not the problem but rather, a symptom of being separated from love. The solution to this problem is always reconciliation to love.
How People Grow - Part 8
Suffering and Grief
Suffering
Suffering can be good. It can take us to places where one more season of "comfort" cannot. But suffering can also be terrible.
Suffering can be good. It can take us to places where one more season of "comfort" cannot. But suffering can also be terrible.
Destructive suffering inflicts evil on a person's heart and soul and is totally outside God's desire. Although God can bring good out of the experience, the experience itself is no good at all. But there is also therapeutic suffering or "growth suffering."
So the first thing to do is to distinguish between the destructive and the "growth" sufferings.
Good PainSome suffering does have value and produces growth. I call this good pain. We all have coping mechanisms that cover up pain, help us deal with fear, cope with relational inabilities and help us hold it all together. Trials and suffering push those mechanisms past the breaking point so we find out where we need to grow. Then true spiritual growth begins at deeper levels and we are healed. Righteousness and character take the place of coping.
This kind of suffering is good. It breaks down the "weak muscle" of the soul and replaces it with stronger muscle. In this suffering, the prize we win is character-a very valuable prize indeed.
Suffering is the path Jesus modeled for us, and he modeled how to do it right. He went through it all with obedience and without sin. This is the difference between those who suffer to a good end and those who suffer to no good end at all.
So, as you are working through things in your own life or are helping others, make sure that you teach and value this kind of suffering. Have people look a their trials with the questions, "What can I learn through this?" As James 1:5 says, have them look to God for wisdom to find out what steps of maturity and growth have to happen in their lives. If those steps are taken and completed, they will not have to take the same course again.
Bad PainDestructive suffering or "bad pain" comes from repeating old patterns and avoiding the pain it would take to change them. Suffering at the hands of someone else is not valuable at all, neither is this kind of pain. It is destructive and does not go anywhere good.
Many times people suffer because of their own character faults. Then other people come alongside them and give them comfort or a spiritual pep talk about how God is with them in this testing. They usually frame the experience as the testing of an innocent person. "Keep the faith," these people say, "and God will reward you for persevering."
The problem is that these people don't tell the sufferers that the suffering is the fruit of their own character and is of no value unless they see it as a wake-up call. This is bad pain. And bad pain is basically wasted pain. It is the pain we go through to avoid the good pain of growth that comes from pushing through. It is the wasted pain we encounter as we try to avoid grief and the true hurt that needs to be worked through. It is the wasted pain of trying to get a person to love us or approve of us instead of facing the loss of this love and moving on.
In too many support circles, people are supported in ways that do not make them face the growth steps they need to take to keep from repeating their mistakes. They are seen as victims and are then set up for failure all over again.
So, how do you embrace good pain and avoid bad pain? For those growing and those who minister to them the call is three-fold.
Do not refer to pain and suffering caused by poor character patterns as "growth pain." Unless you can use this pain as a wake-up call, it is worthless. If you see this as valid suffering, the pain will be wasted, and it will continue or return.
Help people own worthless pain so that it can be redeemed and turned into "good pain." If people can see the character patterns causing their pain, they can redeem and change them. If a pattern can be owned, a pattern can be changed. But as long as we mistakenly see it as "legitimate suffering by a victim," nothing good can happen.
Help convert worthless suffering into redemptive suffering. Help others see that they are not just victims. Help them to see instead that their suffering is coming from trying to avoid the legitimate pain of growth. It is a very human trait to try to avoid the suffering of discipline and growth. We all do it. But the wiser we become, the more we value the pain of growth and the more we despise the avoidance patterns in our lives.
Grief
Grief is the toughest pain we have to deal with. It is not worst human experience, because it leads to resolution. But it is the most difficult for us to enter into voluntarily, which is the only way to get into it. The rest of our human experience pretty much just happens to us: hurt, injury, anxiety, alienation and failure are awful experiences we try to avoid off and can't. They break through and we suffer. The difference with grief is that it does not "break through," but is something we enter into.
Unlike the rest of painful human experience, grief is the one that heals all the others. It is the most important pain there is. This is why God calls us to enter into it voluntarily. It heals. It restores. It changes things that have gone bad. It is the only place where we get comforted when things have gone wrong. So God tells us, "Go there."
Why is that? What is so special about grief? Why is it the "pain that heals?" Because grief is God's way of our getting finished with the bad stuff of life. It is the process by which we "get over it," by which we "let it go." Because it is the process by which things can be "over with," it becomes the process by which we can be available for new, good things. The soul is freed from painful experience and released for new, good experience.
The soul is designed to finish things. It is designed to grieve. Just as a computer is programmed to run a particular path, so our soul is designed to go down the path of grief. Be sad, and your heart can be made happy. Cry it out, and it will get out. It will be over.
If grief is the answer to so many of life's problems, why don't we just do it? If a sad face can make a heart happy, why don't we have "sadness parties?" Well, we do. They are called funerals. They are gatherings where we can be sad and begin to process our grief. Funerals were a regular part of God's family practices with the children of Israel, and we have continued that practice, although we have limited funerals severely.
In Israel there was a prescribed period of mourning and people were assigned to carry out the task. We usually only hold funerals when someone dies. But in the growth process, we need to grieve other things as well. The problem is we don't often see our experiences as losses. So we stay in denial or protest for a long time.
Another important reason people cannot grieve the way they need to is that they lack resources. In short, grief is a letting down and a letting go. And we cannot let down and let go if we are not being held up. If there is not enough love to sustain us, both inside and out, then we cannot let go of anything, even something bad.
This is the answer to the age-old problem that people ask every day, "Why doesn't she just let it go?" Or, "Why doesn't he just get over it?" The reality is that often they can't because they don't have the resources, either internal or external, to do it. A good analogy is the trapeze: You can only let go of one trapeze if there is another to grab on to. Or surgery: You can only go under the knife if there is life-support keeping you alive while the surgeon does her work.
We basically need two things for grieving. First, we need love, support and comfort. Second, we need structure. We need time and space for grieving. We need structured activities. This is why good support groups that meet at a regular time and do regular tasks are effective in getting people through grief. There is a time, a place, a space, an understanding, and some tasks to do that structure the experience.
This is why I tell people that God put tear ducts in our eyes. Grief is a relational experience, and your pain has to be seen eye to eye with another person. Someone should be looking at us when we are crying, and we should be looking at him or her. Then we know that we are not alone and our tears are seen and heard.
So in your own life and the lives of the people you help, grief may be the answer to your rut. It may be the answer to moving past the suffering. You may be denying a reality lost long ago. You may be protesting something that will never come true. Maybe it is time to give it up. Maybe it is time for you to mourn so that your heart can be made happy again.
To do that, however, you need to get out of the vacuum. You have to have support and structure to get to a new life. If you do, the dead truly are raised. The mourners truly are comforted. The Psalmist was right when he said, "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5) The Bible affirms and commands it, and science proves it to be true. There really is such a thing as "good grief."
How People Grow - Part 9
One day when John Townsend and I were meeting with a large Christian organization, the topic of small groups in the church came up. We strongly support and see much value in small groups. We were discussing the needs that groups meet, how they operate, and so on.
One of the executives in the organization asked, "What difference do you see between groups for people with problems and groups for normal people?"
John and I looked at each other and said, "There is just one kind of group."
This story illustrates a lingering problem in the church's view of spiritual growth. Just about everyone would agree that we all need to grow spiritually. We need to be close to God, love each other, read the Bible, and apply its truths. But many do not understand that a major reason to grow is that we are in a deep and severe state of neediness and incompleteness.
Spiritual PovertyWhether or not we have problems or struggles in life, we still need God and we need to know we are in the process of finding him. The Bible teaches that all of us (not just some of us) are in this state. Every person needs God's grace and mercy. By our very nature we are broken people with no hope except for God.
Not everyone is aware of his or her neediness. Jesus described those who are aware of their neediness as poor in spirit. He said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:3) The Greek for "poor in spirit" indicates a cringing beggar, absolutely dependent on others for survival. It's not a flattering picture of us. You don't see people in church greeting each other with—"Wow, you're such a cringing beggar, I'd like for you to mentor me." Yet, the kingdom of heaven belongs to those who experience their dependency.
Spiritual poverty is really about living in reality. A good way to understand this is to think of spiritual poverty as experiencing our state of incompleteness before God. This can be due to weaknesses, unfulfilled needs, emotional injuries and hurts at the hands of others, or our own immaturities and sins. It has to do with those parts of ourselves that are not what they should be and that we cannot repair in our own strength. When people experience at a deep level their neediness, incompleteness and dependency—the way they actually are—they are often overwhelmed. Spiritual poverty is really the cure for things like narcissism, self-righteousness, and a host of other problems. When our eyes are opened to our brokenness, we do not "feel better about ourselves"; rather, we feel that something is terribly wrong.
Yet Jesus called this a "blessed" condition because it helps us get closer to God. Our state of incompleteness drives us outside of ourselves to God as the source of healing and hope.
BrokenheartednessBrokenheartedness is related to spiritual poverty. It is the state of being wounded or crushed by some loss, person, hurt, injustice, or circumstance. When a person is downcast because of an emotional, relational, or career injury, he can be brokenhearted. God has special tenderness for this condition. Brokenheartedness often brings about a sense of our spiritual poverty as it shows us our need.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone with life problems is poor in spirit. Some are in denial. Others blame their problems on other people. Still others believe that, given enough time, they can solve their problems all by themselves. These people have not yet come to the end of themselves, to the humble acceptance of reality that causes them to grieve as a signal that they understand their position. What I am saying, however, is that those with life problems have more opportunities to recognize their need for God's healing, because the evidence is right there in front of them.
I am also not saying that those who don't experience problems are in denial. There are many believers who love God, have good marriages and relationships, and have reasonably good lives, without catastrophes. They aren't hiding anything. They aren't deceptive or mean people. But, they may lack poverty because they are not really in touch with their neediness.
The Richness that Spiritual Poverty BringsSpiritual poverty helps us grow because it is literally spiritual poverty. The Greek word for "spirit" used in Matthew 5:3 is the word indicating the spiritual dimension of life. In other words, the experience of poverty is both practical and spiritual. Being aware of our incompleteness orients us toward God and his ways. It draws us to the spiritual where he awaits us with love, truth, support and all we need to grow and repair.
Spiritual poverty is a rich part of the growth process. The more broken we are the more God can grow us up.
Poverty of spirit requires more of us than cognitively admitting that we are incomplete and needy. It also affects our entire being, especially our heart. Realizing our condition before God is an overwhelmingly emotional experience involving feelings such as dependence, grief and remorse. Psychologists call this being integrated. That is, having the heart and head in alliance with each other. God reminds us time and time again that he likes neediness.
Our life experiences might tell us to avoid a needy position. If so, take a faith step and open your soul up to God and safe people because spiritual poverty is the only way to be filled with what he has for us.
How People Grow - Part 10
Obedience sounds so simple. You may hear people say, "Just trust and obey," "Just follow Jesus," or "Just obey the Bible." However, most people who have been into growth for any length of time know that these statements are more accurate when you remove the word just. This is because, although God helps us to obey him, obedience is anything but simple.
The Nature of Obedience
Few Christians would disagree that obedience is central to spiritual growth. Yet, Christians often misunderstand what biblical obedience really is. One of the central meanings of "to obey" in the Bible is "to hear." Hearing and doing what God says are deeply interrelated. When we hear God as he is, rather than how we want him to be, we move toward true obedience.
For spiritual growth purposes, a basic definition of obedience is to be God-directed, not self-directed. Obedience is to look outside ourselves for our purpose, values and decisions. This basic stance of life admits that God knows better than we do how to guide our steps because he designed us.
For many people, however, obedience means, "to be deprived and withheld from." They feel like all of life is simply adhering to the rules and being self-disciplined. In their eyes, God basically says, "Be really good, and don't do anything fun," offering no real benefit except maybe later in heaven.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Obedience leads to very good things for us today. As we travel down God's paths of conducting life, we reap many benefits. In fact, both survival and prosperity—major aspects of a good life—depend on obedience. Deuteronomy 6:24 says, "The Lord commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear the Lord our God, so that we might always prosper and be kept alive, as is the case today." The results of obedience and disobedience are very different. Isaiah 1:19-20 states, "If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best from the land; but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword."
How is this so? God designed life to be lived a certain way. When we follow his way, life works better. Some people compartmentalize obedience into their religious or moral lives. For them, obedience is relating to God and doing what is right. However, this view misses the full and comprehensive path God has for life. The Bible teaches and guides on all areas of life: gifts, ministry, money, sex, love, and so on. This is why people pursuing growth often feel as if they have "come alive" when they see that God speaks to their emotional, personal, and relational lives as well as their spiritual lives.
Not only does obedience deal with all of life, but it also encompasses all of us, both inside and out. Obedience is far more profound than simply refraining from external sins such as lying, stealing, and committing adultery, though it certainly includes those. Obedience has also to do with submitting our values, emotions, and hearts to Christ's lordship. In Matthew 22:37-38, Jesus asks for no less than total commitment, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." There is nothing more important, and nothing more demanding. In fact, it requires our lives, which then saves our lives.
Tasks Change as Maturity IncreasesSpiritual growth encounters another dimension of obedience. We are all called to follow God in the basic requirements of life: loving him and others, seeking God, being just, kind, and humbly walking with God, living by faith, etc. All these commands are related at their core in that we are being directed by God and his ways instead of by our own.
We all need to obey these commands; however, as we grow, our tasks in these areas change. Spiritual growth has stages and levels of development. Take the growth of relationship, for example. Someone who is very detached may be working on simply being emotionally present with others. Another person who is able to be close might be growing in his ability to be emphatic with others. Obedience is not a "one size fits all" proposition. God deals with us where we are and shows us our next step of growth.
FailureOne of the more obvious results of the Fall is that obedience is not continuous. We sin and fail in many ways. However, God's spiritual growth process takes this into consideration so that we can be restored and continue on the path. Even more, God uses our failures to help mature us.
The bad news is—failure is inevitable and failure is our fault. Yet, this is reality. Even as believers, no matter how hard we try not to, we will fail. Sin and immaturity cause us to miss the mark of God's standards for life. And even though failure is inevitable, it is still our fault and our problem.
Growth Approaches That Try to Solve the Failure Dilemma
One school of thought says that we don't have to fail. We can always be "victorious in Jesus" by making him truly Lord of our lives. Therefore, the person who fails has not totally surrendered to God. Although this can sometimes be the case, the reasoning here denies the reality that we are sinners throughout life. Adherents to this school of thought do not recognize struggle as normal and expected.
Another group teaches that the presence of sin is a sign of spiritual immaturity. It is not a surrender issue, but a growth issue. As you grow more, you sin less. Therefore the mature believer doesn't sin a lot. While we would agree that we should become more righteous as we mature, the Bible teaches that personal sin will always be present.
Still another group tries to resolve this dilemma by addressing the nature of failure itself. Although they will admit that failures happen, they will say that failure isn't so bad and that sin and mistakes don't carry a lot of moral weight. They have what is called a weak view of sin. They ignore the gravity of sin and failure.
A similar teaching is that though we fail, it is not really our fault. It is the fault of others who have made us what we are: our parents, hurtful relationships, society, the Devil, or even God himself. So when you fail, realize it is others who are to blame and try to heal from those hurts. As you heal and forgive, your failures resolve. We would certainly agree that our experiences with others, both loving and hurtful, greatly influence who we are and how we turn out in life. We would also agree that learning to forgive is very important. Yet we often fail simply because we choose to, and we are ultimately accountable for our decisions and choices.
The Bible's Solution to Failure—Repentance Our view of the Bible's teaching is stricter than the above four approaches. It is a pretty desperate situation to realize that we must fail, that our failure is a bad thing, and that we are held accountable. However, the good news is that this dilemma leads us straight into the arms of Jesus. We have a problem we cannot solve. His death is the solution for those who put their personal trust in his sacrifice for their sins. And all through life and growth, we learn to have faith in his love, forgiveness, and grace without resorting to our own devices. In this sense, our failure bears fruit in a deeper walk with him.
In spiritual growth, learn to expect failure. Don't be surprised by it, because God certainly isn't. Peter denied three times that he knew Jesus (Luke 22:34). Deal with failure as Peter did, by repenting. When we sin and stop obeying, we then obey by repenting. Repentance, the proper response to our failure, brings forth more growth, love, responsibility and fulfillment.
Simply put, repentance is a change of direction. It is a movement away from the destructive path back toward God's ways. It requires a great deal of humility, because we have to admit we are wrong. In repentance, our eyes are opened to our own sin, failure, and weakness, especially as compared with God's nature, and we gladly change our ways to better follow his paths.
Sources of ObedienceObedience requires an object-that is, we need to know what and whom to obey. The Bible has a great number of universal commands and principles for conducting our lives. However, the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20 and Jesus' two Great Commandments in Matthew 22, sum up the law. Learn these foundational laws as well as the many more specific principles found in Scripture. This is why Bible study and reading are so valuable, as they help unearth these principles of living.
Obedience, or God-directedness, is a lifelong process central to spiritual growth. Stay close to what God says regarding your ways, relationships and inner issues. Those who follow God's voice generally realize that it is ultimately the only way to go.
How People Grow - Part 11
Back in the 1980s, I remember listening to a minister give his opinion on the recovery movement, which was becoming popular in the church. He was angry. People were getting off to lightly he thought and he was not going to stand for it. I can almost still hear his words today:
"What's all this stuff about people being 'powerless' over their addiction? Don't you know? This is not what the Bible says! People are free moral agents and responsible for their sin! Don't give me all this stuff about being powerless. People choose to sin, and they are responsible for their choices! It's just sin, sin, sin, period."
The minister was obviously upset at hearing people in recovery talk about Step 1 the 12 Step Process: "We admit that we are powerless over alcohol-that our lives have become unmanageable." To him, powerlessness was a cop-out. He thought this was letting people off the hook; they needed to admit they were choosing wrong and begin to choose right. They were sinning. They are not supposed to sin. So to him, the answer was clear: Stop it!
I remember thinking about all the addicts I knew who were listening, and I felt sorry for them. His was a message I was sure they had heard before, and it had not helped them very much.
At the same time I thought about both the truth and the error in what the preacher was saying. He was not wrong about addicts' choices being sin; nearly everyone agrees on that. But his statement that "people are free moral agents and responsible for their sin," is a loaded one. In this single statement lies much of the problem in how people both look at sin and try to help those struggling with it. The preacher was only half right. People are responsible for sin. People are moral agents.
But this is only part of the truth. The Bible does teach we are responsible and accountable for our sin. It is our problem and no one else's. But—and this would have been a surprise to the preacher—the Bible's message is much more devastating and convicting. For the Bible says not only that we are responsible for our sin, but also that we are powerless to keep from sinning. Think about that for a moment: we cannot change, and we are held responsible for not being able to change. This can only lead to one conclusion: Does anyone need a Savior?
I understand what the preacher was thinking, for it would seem that seeing ourselves as powerless and unable to change our lives would get us off the hook, a little like having a genetic illness, (like hemophilia) verses one caused by an unhealthy lifestyle (like cirrhosis of the liver). We usually have more empathy for someone with a genetic problem than we do for someone who has made destructive choices and has contributed to his own illness.
But when we add in the other half—that we are responsible for that which we can't change—we find ourselves in a much worse shape than the jail cell to which the preacher wanted to send people. In his thinking, people should go to "jail" for making bad choices, but they could avoid jail by choosing differently. And they could get out of jail by repenting and becoming better people. His "tough stance on sin" had a strange kind of hope in it. If we are agents who can choose, then let's just choose differently! Why allow any pattern in our lives to ever rule us again. Let's just do better. You can almost hear the motivational speech gather steam in the pews. "Stop being stupid! Don't let sin ruin your life anymore. Choose life! Make right choices and be successful."
In the "powerless and responsible" view, you go to jail and have no hope of getting out because you are unable to do better. This is both what the Bible teaches and what any addict will tell you. No matter how many times someone with a compulsive behavior or an internal character problem tries to "just make better choices," it doesn't work. Don't be deluded into thinking that willpower will suffice.
The Bible tells us that we cannot avoid the problems we find ourselves in, we cannot change ourselves once we are in them, and we are held totally responsible and accountable for them. In short, we are in prison, or as the Bible says, we are "slaves to sin."
That is a much more brutal message than the tough preacher was delivering. But gracefully the Bible does not leave us there. For when we are thrown into prison with no chance of parole, when we are asked, "Does anyone need a Savior?" the Bible gives us one. It is into that prison Jesus comes and tells us he will break us out. This is Good News indeed. When people realize that they are both powerless and responsible, they get serious about seeking help from outside themselves.
First, A Warning
Whenever we talk about sin being a problem in the world of personal growth, we want to make sure you know what we are not saying. We are not saying that a person's individual sin is the cause of all the struggles and problems he or she might have. All too often in the church, people are blamed for pain and struggles not of their own making.
Job was a great example of this. He had losses and pains he had absolutely no part in creating. In fact, it was his righteousness that placed him in the cosmic contest between God and Satan. He was not suffering because he was bad, but it could be argued, he was suffering because he was good. Who knows the reason for his suffering, really? It is too complex to ever fully understand. Yet we do know that his pain came from losing his family, his work, and his health. These losses were not his doing. He, like all of us, lived in a fallen world where there is suffering we cannot understand.
In addition, people suffer because of the sin of others. We have all experienced—or have had someone close to us who has experienced—long-standing suffering because of the abuse of another person.
So, as we look at the subject of sin, let's first understand that people suffer and lack growth for other reasons besides their own sin. If we don't understand this, we may fall into the trap of blaming the hurting person.
A Better Way: Repentance and Living by the Spirit
The Bible gives us a better way—Jesus. While the law (and all our versions of it) cannot help, Jesus can. He replaces living by the law with living by the Spirit. This is the answer to all the problems sin can ever throw at us.
Thus, while the standard is good and the need to make good choices is real, there is only one way to do that: Live according to the Spirit. This means to live according to a relationship and a process that empowers us. So there we are again, back to dependency on God.
To change the areas we want to change, we first have to admit to them (confession) and admit we are unable to change them by ourselves (poverty of spirit). Then we have to be set free by establishing a relationship with him, which takes care of the guilt and condemnation of the law (forgiveness). Then there must be a change of mind and a change of direction about the seriousness of the sin (repentance).
In other words, winning the war over sin includes the entire growth process itself as we live the life the Spirit provides. We have to be doing many things to achieve the victory we need. Significant problems like addictions and other patterns of behavior do not give way to simple formulas such as "That is sin. I won't do it anymore." To achieve victory we need to change fully in all of life as we commit to the life of the Spirit.
This truth also explains why patterns of behavior that have not given way to those formulas give way to the process outlined above. When people:
admit powerlessness,
ask God and others for help,
repent,
continue to stay plugged into a supportive environment,
seek healing for their hurting parts of themselves,
receive deep forgiveness and give that to others,
long standing patterns of problematic behavior do in fact change.This is the way the Bible has described the process we need.
The Medicine of the GospelWe can't deal with sin and temptation without confession and repentance. They are assumed in everything this article talks about, for it would be impossible to overcome sin and temptation without them.
The formula for dealing with the sin we commit has been around for a long time: confession, forgiveness, and repentance for the "bad stuff" in our own souls. Also, with repentance comes a turning to the life of God and a filling up the soul with the "good stuff of his life.
Likewise, the formula for dealing with the sin done to us is similar: confession, granting forgiveness, healing the wounds through God's life, and reconciliation, if possible.
Both kinds of sin require the grace of God, facing the truth about oneself or others, receiving the life we need, receiving and granting forgiveness, and reconciling as much as we can.
There are no new ways of dealing with sin, for God gave us the Way a long time ago. We think this is very encouraging as we look at the prospects of growth from a biblical perspective. There is no rocket science, only the gospel. But what a gospel it is! It is the medicine for the sickness we all possess, and that really is good news.
How People Grow - Part 12
The Process of TimeThe most common question I hear from people in spiritual growth is: Why is this taking so long? They will often enter the growth process with great hope and excitement and then, somewhere along the way, become discouraged that they aren't achieving results as soon as they would like. Someone is still struggling in a marriage; another is unable to open up emotionally to God and others; still another is unable to set appropriate limits, and someone else may be tormented by the pain of the past.
Time - a necessary ingredient of growthSo many people in growth expect that, if they read their Bibles and do the right things, they will instantly and permanently change. They become disappointed when this doesn't happen. They may feel God has let them down or they are doing something wrong, when in fact, everything may be proceeding as God planned it. Time is a necessary ingredient of growth.
God originally did not include time in his plan, as he exists outside of time, in eternity. He experiences past, present and future all that the same time (Exodus 3:14). We, too, were created to live in an eternal state of relatedness and joy. However, when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, God's wonderful creation was marred. He saw the trouble we were now in and knew the seriousness of our condition. He knew that two things were necessary to fix the problem. The first was an atoning death to satisfy the requirements of his holiness. And the second was a process of repair for his creation to be redeemed and healed from what it had brought upon itself. This process we call time.
Time takes the creation out of the eternal state, as quarantine takes a sick person out of the community. This is so the disease of sin will not contaminate eternity. When the creation is healed of sin, time will be no more, as its job will have been accomplished. We will again enter the eternal state with God. There will be no progression of day and night in eternity, only a continual day illuminated by God himself (Revelation 22:5).
The gift of time applies also in the lives of individuals. When a person comes to faith in Christ, the guilt of sin is removed from him, and he now has a relationship with God. Yet, he is born again not as an adult, but as a spiritual baby. Like an infant, he must now enter the process of growth over time and receive the elements of growth that will one day mature him.
We're not saying that miracles don't happen. The Bible and our own experience show that God does do instant and marvelous things. We need to ask for these, receive them when they happen, and thank God for them. For example, God can and does instantly remove an addiction to alcohol or a depression. At the same time, however, the norm taught in the Scriptures is a model for growth over time (Mark 4:26-29; Ephesians 2:20,21; 4:15,16; Colossians 2:19; 2 Peter 3:18). Teachings that only emphasize deliverances, for example, can create people who become nonfunctional in real life, dependent not on God and his maturing ways, but on an event to heal them. So our suggestion is to work on the process and ask for the miraculous. God is for us in both ways.
How much time?Probably the second-most-often-asked question I encounter is: How can I know how long it will all take?
Well, generally it takes more time than you think. Many of us get into the growth process hoping to get some quick answers and comfort and then resume "normal life." However, this is not really God's way. For God, normal life is being in the growth process for life. Issues and struggles may and should change over time, but growth is not a season. Rather, it is at the very heart of life itself. Just because an issue may be resolved, does not mean growth is complete. It may just be the beginning.
Several indicators can help give a sense of how long specific growth or repair issues take to resolve. These indicators include the severity of the issue, the onset of the issue and the availability of resources. Although the work of spiritual growth is, at its heart, a miraculous act of God, it still requires resources. The more resources that are available (healthy support system, a balanced church, good materials to study, appropriate leadership and frequent meetings), the less time is needed for each issue.
Keep in mind that growth never ends on this earth. You will find new areas of growth as God helps you search your heart (Psalm 139:23-24). And remember, God is for you not against you!
This is the final article in our series on How People Grow. For previous articles see the Feature Article Archives. The next series of Feature Articles will include "False Assumptions" that can drive you crazy.
Taken from How People Grow, © Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend, Zondervan 2001
How People Grow (order your copy here) describes the process of how we are "separated from the life of God" and how we can be reconciled to the life the way it was created to work. More excerpts from How People Grow will follow in the weeks to come.
This article is part 12 in a series of Feature Articles adapted from How People Grow.
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