Changes That Heal - Cloud Townsend Resources

Changes That Heal (Part 1)

Does God or psychology provide the cure to emotional problems?

Every week I see Christians who are suffering from a whole range of emotional problems: anxiety, loneliness, grief over broken relationships, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy. Often they have been struggling with these problems for years. They are people in pain.
The church is split on how to deal with these hurting people. Those on one side of the issue say that people who struggle emotionally are “in sin.” They “don’t have enough faith,” are not obedient,” or “don’t spend enough time in the Word.” These people tend to blame the hurting person for his or her pain.

These answers sound a lot like the ones Job received from his friends. “God is trying to teach you something.” Look at the blessings you still enjoy.” “God is testing you.” “Give thanks in spite of your circumstances.” The speeches of Job’s three friends contain elements of truth, but do not often help the person in pain.

A despairing person should have kindness from his friend, said Job, “lest he forsake the fear of the Almighty” (Job 6:14). Job recognized, as only a person in pain can do, that simple answers not only fail to relieve pain, they can literally drive a person further away from God. The hurting person who takes this sort of advice to heart often has two problems instead of one: the pain she originally had, plus the guilt over not being able to apply the answers she was given.
The help offered to Christians in emotional pain over the years has done untold damage and has led many to reach the conclusion Job did: “You smear me with lies; you are worthless physicians, all of you! If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom” (Job 13:4-5).

Faced with this kind of help, sufferers either learn to fake healing to remain in the church, or leave the church, deciding that their faith provides little solace for their emotional pain.
People on the other side of the issue reach out and try to touch the pain of hurting people. Looking for answers that work, and not finding them in the church, they turn to psychology. Often psychological methods succeed, and hurting people find relief. But now these people are in a quandary. Was it God or psychology that provided the cure? They know that the relief is from God, but there seems to be no biblical system by which to defend it. They just know that “it works.”

As a Christian, a psychologist, and a fellow struggler, I have stood on both side of this fence. I have tried the “standard” Christian answers for others, and myself and have come to Job’s conclusion: they are worthless medicine. I have also tried “baptizing” psychological insights so that they would somehow feel “Christian.” This didn’t work either.

Several years ago I found myself saying to God, “I quit. I really don’t know what helps. God, if there is something that does, you will have to show it to me.” Over the next few years, God led me on a spiritual journey in which he graciously answered that simple but desperate prayer.
It is not my purpose to get enmeshed in the church’s debate between psychology and theology. I have a different goal in mind. I want to show you that there are biblical solutions for your struggles with depression, anxiety, panic, addictions, and guilt, and that these solutions lie in your understanding certain basic developmental tasks—tasks that you may have failed to complete when you were growing up and tasks that bring changes that heal. These tasks involve growing up and into the “likeness” of the one who created you.

Changes That Heal (Part 2)

Created in the Image of God
The Bible says that we were created “in the image of God” (Genesis 1:27). We were created “like” God. Theologians have filled libraries with books about the attributes of God. They distinguish between God’s incommunicable attributes—he is immutable (changeless), omnipotent (all-powerful), infinite (without limitations), omniscient (all-knowing), omnipresent (everywhere)—and his communicable attributes—he is just, righteous, holy, loving, and faithful. Obviously, we can’t reflect God’s incommunicable attributes: we can never be all-powerful or all-knowing. But we can become more loving and more holy. The more we become like him in these attributes, the less we will struggle with emotional problems.

The apostle Paul writes that God calls us to be “predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son” (Romans 8:29). What he means is that our goal is to become more like him. Our destiny is to pursue this family resemblance to God. The problem we face is figuring out how to become more Christlike. How do we work on becoming “holy” when we feel so powerless to control our eating habits? How can we be “loving” when we’re burned out by all the requests for our time and energy?

Since becoming like God doesn’t seem practical, we try to solve our day-to-day problems by splitting them into two different categories. We ask, “Is this an emotional problem or a spiritual problem?” If we are struggling with an emotional problem, the Christian psychologist is called in; if it’s a spiritual problem, the pastor gets the call. We assume that our depression, panic, guilt, or addictions have little or nothing to do with our spirituality; they are two separate issues.

But separating our problems into “emotional” problems and “spiritual” problems is part of the problem. All of our problems stem from our failure to reflect the image of God. Because of Adam and Eve’s fall into sin in the Garden of Eden, we have not developed the “likeness” of God in the vital areas of our person, and we are not functioning as we were created to function. Thus, we are in pain.

In the course of my own spiritual and professional journey, I have identified four aspects of the personality of God that, if we would cultivate them, would greatly improve our day-to-day functioning. God is able to do four things that we, his children, have difficulty doing:
1. Bond with others.
2. Separate from others.
3. Sort out issue of good and bad.
4. Take charge as an adult.

Without the ability to perform these basic God-like functions, we can literally remain stuck for years, and growth and change can elude our grasp. Because we live in a fallen world, we all have deficits in all four areas. Transforming the effects of the fall and growing in the image of God is not an easy task. But God has promised that the “good work” he began in us, he will carry “on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6)

Before we set about this task of growing into the likeness of God, we need to take a brief look at two major qualities of God’s character—qualities that, if properly understood, will help us undertake our journey with vigor.

Changes That Heal (Part 3)

Growth takes Grace and Truth

Our God is a God “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14). We often hear the phrase “full of grace and truth,” but we rarely stop and realize its implications for our struggles here on earth. What are grace and truth? Why are they so important?

Let’s take grace first. Grace is the unmerited favor of God toward people. Grace is something we have not earned and do not deserve. As Frederick Buechner says, “Grace is something you can never get but only be given. There’s no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks or bring about your own birth.”

To put it another way, grace is unconditional love and acceptance. Such love is the foundation upon which all healing of the human spirit rests. It is also the essence of God. “God is love,” writes the apostle John (I John 4:8). And God loves us freely, without condition.

Grace is the first ingredient necessary for growing up in the image of God. Grace is unbroken, uninterrupted, unearned, accepting relationship. It is the kind of relationship God had in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were loved and provided for. They knew God’s truth, and they had perfect freedom to do God’s will. In short, they were secure; they had no shame and anxiety. They could be who they truly were. Grace then, is the relational aspect of God’s character. It shows itself in his unconditional connection to us.

Truth is the second ingredient necessary for growing up in the image of God. Truth is what is real; it describes how things really are. Just as grace is the relational aspect of God’s character, truth is the structural aspect of his character. Truth is the skeleton life hangs upon; it adds shape to everything in the universe. God’s truth leads us to what is real, to what is accurate. Just as our DNA contains the form that our physical life will take, God’s truth contains the form that our soul and spirit should take.

Truth without Grace

When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, they had both grace and truth united in one God. When they sinned, they drove a wedge between themselves and God; they lost their grace-filled and truthful relationship with God.

Without grace, Adam and Eve felt shame: when they heard God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, they hid from him. When God calls out, “Where are you?” Adam explains that he was hiding because he was afraid (Genesis 3:8-10). Shame and guilt had entered the world; human beings were no longer safe.

After Adam and Eve cut themselves off from a relationship with God, they also severed their connection to grace and truth, for those come through relationship with God. However, God did not let them stay isolated for long. Seeing Adam and Eve in their lost state, he decided to give them direction; he gave them truth in the form of the law. The law is a blueprint, or a structure, for people to live by. It offers them guidance, and it sets limits for them.

There was only one problem: God gave them truth without grace. Adam and Eve had to try to live up to God’s standards. They soon learned that they could never measure up. No matter how hard they tried to perform, they would always some up short. Truth without grace is judgment. It sends you straight to hell, literally and experientially.

When we look at what the Scripture says about the law, about truth without grace, we see that the law silences us, brings anger, increases sin, arouses sinful passions, brings death, puts us under a curse, holds us prisoner, alienates us from Christ, and judges us harshly.

The law without grace destroys us. No one ever grows when they are under the law, for the law put us into a strictly legal relationship with God: “I’ll love you only if you do what is true and right.” Getting truth before grace, or truth before relationship, brings guilt, anxiety, anger, and a host of other painful emotions.

Grace without Truth

Truth without grace is deadly, but grace without truth leads to less than successful living as well. In the same way that truth (without grace) can be called judgment, grace (without truth) can be named license. The Scriptures talk about this. See: Galatians 5:13, Romans 6:15-16, Colossians 3:5. The lack of limits in life—the lack of truth and discipline—can lead to a chaotic lifestyle.
The Bible doesn’t commend either truth apart from grace, nor grace apart from truth; but rather, a mixture of both. “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ” (John 1:14, 16-17, italics mine).

This passage shows both how people fail and how they are redeemed. Failure came through the law, and redemption through Jesus. It is only through him that we can realize two ingredients of growth: grace and truth. It is through him that we can come back into the same relationship Adam had: an unbroken connection (grace) to the One who is reality (truth).
There is a third key ingredient for growth, see Growth takes Time.

Changes That Heal (Part 4)

Growth takes Time

A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, "For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?"

“Sir," the man replied, "leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.” (Luke 13:6-9).

In this parable of Jesus, the owner of the tree expected fruit from his tree. When the tree bore no fruit for three years in a row, the owner was not only disappointed, he was furious. “Cut it down!” he ordered.

This is often what we do when we examine our own failures, our “fruitlessness” in light of reality. We look at ourselves (the tree), and we expect to be able to keep our marriages together, to raise perfect children, to make loyal friends, and to perform our work without error (the fruit). When we fail and then become depressed, fearful, or anxious (bad fruit), we cut ourselves down by saying, “I should be able to do that.” “I should be able to accomplish more.” “I should be able to be like so and so.” At this point, we are like a house divided against itself. Like the tree owner, we want growth, but we judge ourselves quickly and harshly without taking the time to figure out the problem. We operate with truth and no grace with disastrous results.

Sometimes we operate with grace and no truth. We say things like, “It doesn’t matter.” “That’s really the best I could do.” “I can’t help it that he reacted that way.” “I couldn’t help myself.” Dead wood (fruitlessness) takes up space in our lives (our vineyard). Either we allow our inability to relate to others or to control our anger or to discipline our children to go on as it has been, continually rotting our lives and robbing us of the delicious fruit God has in store for us, or we deny that we have a problem, with even more disastrous results.

To some degree, we all do both: sometimes we yell, “Cut it down,” and at other times we ignore it. But one thing is for sure: when we either ignore our failure to bear fruit in the image of God, or we judge its absence with an angry “Cut it down,” we end up either in grace or truth, and we do not grow.

In the last sections (Changes that Heal, Part 2 & 3; See Feature Article Archives) and in this parable we see another option: graft grace to truth to stimulate growth. Grace and truth in this parable are symbolized by the actions of “digging around” and “fertilizing.” Using the trowel of God’s truth, we must dig out the weeds and encumbrances of falsehood, sin, and hurt that keep the soil of our souls cluttered. In addition, we must add the fertilizer of love and relationship to “enrich the soil.” Grace and truth give us the ingredients to head in the right direction and to provide the fuel we need to keep on growing and changing.

But the Bible tells us that in order for grace and truth to produce fruit, we need a third key element: time.

Look again at verses 8 and 9: "Sir,"the man replied, "leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down." The gardener, who certainly symbolizes our Lord, the “author and perfecter” of our faith, realized that his work and the fertilizer need time to take effect. In short, it takes time to grow. And time alone will not do it. Time must be joined by grace and truth. When we respond responsibly to these three elements, we will heal and bear fruit.

Time is not just an act of God’s grace to us, “giving us some space.” God is much too loving to allow us to continue in sin for one moment longer than necessary. Time is not a luxury, but a necessity.

Spiritual and emotional growth takes time. And often a transformation happens over time without the person knowing quite how it happened. I am reminded of Jesus’ description of the kingdom of God:

“A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts up and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head.” (Mark 4:26-29, italics mine)
This passage illustrates an important truth about the growth process. It cannot be willed. It can only be enhanced by adding grace, truth and time; and then God produces the growth. If we are depressed, for example, it does no good to try to be “undepressed.” It does help, however, to cultivate the soil of our soul with the nutrients of grace, truth, and time. Only then will we gradually be transformed to greater and greater stages of joy.

Changes That Heal (Part 5)

Bonding

Bonding is the ability to establish an emotional attachment to another person. It’s the ability to relate to another on the deepest lever. When two people have a bond with each other, they share their deepest thoughts, dreams, and feelings with each other with no fear that the other person will reject them.

Bonding is one of the most basic and foundational ideas in life and the universe. It is a basic human need. God created us with a hunger for relationship—for relationship with him and with our fellow people. At our very core we are relational beings.

Without a solid, bonded relationship, the human soul will become mired in psychological and emotional problems. The soul cannot prosper without being connected to others. No matter what characteristics we possess, or what accomplishments we amass, without solid emotional connectedness, without bonding to God and other humans, we will suffer sickness of the soul.
Why is our need for bonding so strong, and why is our failure to bond so disastrous for our well-being?

God is a relational being, and he created a relational universe. At the foundation of every living thing is the idea of relationship. Everything that is alive relates to something else.

When we search the Scriptures to discover the nature of God, we find out something else. “God is love,” writes the apostle John. “Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him” (I John 4:16). In his essential nature and in all his actions, God is loving. And insofar as we are created in his image, love is foundational to being a person and to being a Christian. Love is the basic identity of God; it is therefore basic to our identity also.

When we understand that the foundation of existence lies in relationship, for it is the way God exists, it begins to make sense why love is the highest ethic.

Relationship, or bonding, then, is at the foundation of God’s nature. Since we are created in his likeness, relationship is our most fundamental need, the very foundation of who we are. Without relationship, without attachment to God and others, we can’t be our true selves. We can’t be truly human.

If we are to grow and thrive, we need to be “rooted and grounded in love.” We are literally to draw from the love of God and others to fuel our transformation and fruit bearing. We cannot imagine putting a plant in a cardboard box in the garage and expect it to blossom. The plant would not make it for very long. To grow, it must have sunlight, water and nutrients.

We sometimes think, however, that we can supply all our needs without other people. We think that, in a state of emotional and spiritual isolation, we can still grow. This grave violation of the basic nature of the universe can cause serious problems.

Our emotional and psychological well-being depends on the status of our heart, and the status of our heart depends on the depth of our bonds with others and God.

If we come into the world learning to attach to others and to trust them, we begin to develop emotionally, physically, and psychologically. We proceed along certain prescribed plans outlined by our Creator. If, however, we do not learn to attach to others, then our growth is stunted, and we may experience problems.

Changes that Heal (Part 6)

Skills for Bonding

Learning to bond won’t happen overnight. Making human connections takes a good dose of grace, truth and time. Here are some skills that will start you on the long road to making changes that heal.

Realize the Need

A careful reading of the Bible will show the value God places on connection. Paul uses the image of the body to make this point: “Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.” (I Corinthians 12:27) We are part of a body, and we cannot be emotionally amputated from the blood flow and expect to thrive. “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you!’ If one part suffers, every part suffers with it.” (I Corinthians 12:21, 26)

Move Toward Others

It is wonderful when others move toward you and seek out your heart, like God does. Often, though, others cannot see what you need and how emotionally isolated you really are. Therefore, to the best of your ability, actively reach out for help and support.

Be Vulnerable

You can move toward others, get socially involved, and have relationships, but still be isolated. Your isolation may stem from your inability to be open, your inability to show your real self to others. Learn to be vulnerable. The word vulnerable literally means “open to criticism or attack.” You need to be so open with your needs that you are open to attack.

Realization of need is the beginning of growth. Humility and vulnerability are absolutely necessary for bonding to take place at a deep level.

Being vulnerable at a social level may be too threatening at first. Maybe you need to start with a pastor, counselor, or support group. But vulnerability is a skill that opens up the heart for love to take root. When you can admit that you need support and help, and can reveal your hurt and isolation, a dynamic is set into motion that can literally transform your personality and life.

Challenge Distorted Thinking

Distorted thinking blocks you from relating to others. This essentially causes you to repeat what happened in the past. Challenge the distortions that keep you in bondage. To the extent that you continue to see the world through your childhood eyeglasses, your past will be your future.
If you don’t, for example, challenge the belief that “all people will leave me,” you will never form an abiding attachment, and you will recreate the isolation of your past. The Lord has promised to reveal the truth to you. Ask him to show you your particular distortions. Distorted thinking was learned in the context of relationship, and that is the only place where it can be unlearned. You need new relationship to undo the learning of the past; there your real self can be connected in grace and truth and thereby be transformed.

Take Risks

To learn new relational skills and the way of attachment, take risks. Listen to Jesus’ invitation: “‘Here am I! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.’” (Revelation 3:20) You have a responsibility to hear the voice and open the door. People and God will call to you, but if your distorted thinking and your resistance to risk get in the way, you will keep the door closed so that attachment cannot happen. Allow yourself to risk valuing someone emotionally. Risk getting hurt again. This is difficult, but essential.

Allow Dependent Feelings

Whenever you begin to allow someone to matter to your isolated heart, uncomfortable needy and dependent feelings will surface. These are the beginnings of a softening heart. Though uncomfortable, these feelings are a key to attachment. Many times you think you need to “keep a stiff upper lip,” but allowing your tender, needy sides to show to the ones you need will cement the attachment and allow it to grow.

Recognize Defenses

Recognize your own particular defenses against attachment. As soon as you can spot the old familiar patterns, you can begin to notice them in operation and take responsibility for them. You may need to say something life this, “Oh, there I go again, devaluing someone who is trying to love me. I’ll try and let them matter this time.” Challenge your old ways of acting and allow the Holy Spirit to empower you to resist your defenses.

Become Comfortable with Anger

Often, people avoid attachment because they fear their anger at the one whom they need and love. As a result, anger leads them into isolation to protect the loved one. It is natural to feel angry toward people you need. The more you can feel comfortable with angry feelings toward “good” people, the more you can integrate those feelings into the relationship and not spoil it. The angry self is an aspect of personhood that many people prefer to leave “un-bonded.” They believe that it is the unlovable aspect of who they are.

Pray and Meditate

In Psalm 139:23-24, David asked God to reveal who he was at a deep level: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Pray David’s prayer along with him, and God will reveal the true state of being in your heart. Ask God to unravel the problems in your ability to attach. Abiding is God’s highest value for you so you can be assured of His desire to help you reach this goal. As David says in Psalm 51:6, “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.”

Be Empathic

Empathy is the ability to share in another’s emotions, thoughts, or feelings. Empathizing with others’ needs, identifying with their hurt, softens your own heart. Many hardened people have melted by getting close to the hurts of others. I’m not implying a “give-to-get” or a “get-your-mind-off-yourself” strategy. I’m talking about identifying with the struggler in order to get in touch with your own hurt and loneliness.

Rely on the Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit empowers you to change and to come out from the bondage of your old ways of being. Ask him to free you from the death grip your defenses have on you and to give you the courage to take the first steps to attach to others.

Every time you find yourself at this crossroad, at the place where you can either respond defensively in an old pattern or risk the new, ask for help. You can’t do it alone. When you come face to face with your inability to bond, you must confess this inability and ask the Spirit to help you. You can’t change on your own. Rely on him to help you make the changes that heal.
Say "Yes" to Life

The task of bonding to others and God is one of saying, “yes” to life. It is saying, “yes” to God’s and others’ invitation to connect with them. People who struggle with isolation say “no” to relationship in many ways.

When you hide behind defense mechanisms, you are saying “no.” When you avoid intimacy, you are saying “no.” When you make excuses, you are saying “no.” Connection requires that you begin to say “yes” to love when it presents itself. This may mean accepting invitations to be with people instead of always withdrawing. It may mean giving a different answer in safe contexts when you are asked, “How are you doing?” It may mean empathizing with another’s hurt. Whatever the opportunity it means saying, “yes” to relationship.

Changes that Heal (Part 7)

Becoming Separate - Creating Healthy Boundaries

In the last two “Features” we have talked about bonding. In the process of growth, bonding is the important first stage. Once bonding is established the process of separateness begins to “kick in.”

Separateness is an important aspect of human identity. We are to be connected to others without losing our identity and individuality. We are to master the art of “being me without losing you.”

On the human level, just as our connection was marred in the fall, so is our sense of separateness, boundaries, and responsibility. We are all confused as to where we end and someone else begins. We have difficulty having a will of our own, without getting it entangled with someone else’s. Often we don’t know who we really are as opposed to who someone says we are. Sometimes we don’t know what we think or feel unless the culture feels it first. The boundaries between us and the world get blurred.

When we think of relationship, we think of love. When we think of boundaries, we think of limits. Boundaries give us a sense of what is part of us and what is not part of us, what we will allow and what we won’t, what we will choose to do and what we will choose not to do. This leads to responsibility and love.

Developing separateness involves knowing our what our boundaries are. Knowing these boundaries helps us develop our separate and unique personalities.

When we understand healthy boundaries we can better determine when those boundaries have been violated. The chart below looks at certain areas of our lives in which we are separate from others. See what it looks like to have healthy boundaries and what happens when the boundary lines are crossed over.

Healthy Boundaries

Effects of Crossing Over Boundaries

Body

Our body has physical boundaries that define who we are. We have the ability to physically open ourselves up to good things from the outside. We can eat nourishing food, open our eyes to something beautiful, listen to our favorite music and breathe in fresh air. Likewise we can choose to keep bad things out. We can refuse spoiled food, shut our eyes when the light is too bright, cover our ears when music is too loud, or sneeze when the air is dusty.

Body

To invade another personís body, to cross over this personís boundaries, is the most basic act of abuse. The first effect of a crossover in body boundaries is that the person whose boundaries are crossed feels more like a thing than a person. Whether the abuse is sexual, physical or verbal, it can cause a person to feel like they no longer own their own bodies. They loose an aspect that defines who they are. Work must be done to reclaim what they have lost.

Attitudes

Our attitudes are our opinions about something. We are responsible for our own attitudes, for they exist inside our ìproperty line.î They are within our hearts, not someone elseís. God tells us to examine and take responsibility for the attitudes and beliefs that govern our lives. They form the structure of our personality. In the beginning of life, we ìsoak upî attitudes; as we mature, we need to take responsibility for making sure our opinions are ours and not someone elseís. We choose them.

Attitudes

We often do not own our own attitudes; instead, we take responsibility for the attitudes of others. We may complain how a person is ìputting expectationsî on us. Whenever we feel pressured by someone to do something, it is our problem and not the problem of the one who is putting the pressure on. In reality, our ìfeeling pressureî is our tendency to agree with the pressurerís attitude instead of setting forth our own. We must get in touch with how we are getting hooked into saying yes and not put the blame on the other person.

Feelings

Feelings signal our state of being. Feelings tell us how we are doing, what matters to us, what needs changing, what is going well, and what is going badly. We are responsible for our own feelings. To disown our feelings and ignore responsibility for them is one of the most destructive things we can do to both others and ourselves. When we take responsibility for our own disappointments, we are setting clear boundaries

Feelings

If we feel responsible for other peopleís feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right. Instead, we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices. If we feel responsible for other peopleís displeasure, we are being controlled by others, not God. This is a basic boundary disturbance. When we take responsibility for othersí feelings we are crossing over their boundaries. We should always be sensitive to othersí feelings about our choices. But we should never take responsibility for how they feel.

Behavior

We cannot go where we want to go in life if we do not own both what we do and what we donít do. This is the basic law of cause and effect or sowing and reaping. People who obey this law of the universe feel in control of their lives, to the extent that we are able to feel in control. If they have a need, they behave in a way that will get their need met: they pray, they go to work, they ask for help, they exercise, they make friends, they behave in ways that bear fruit in their lives and they get somewhere. To own our behavior, to take responsibility for it, is an important aspect of knowing our boundaries.

Behavior

People who donít obey the law of cause and effect, who do not own their behavior and the consequences for it, feel enormously powerless. They become dependent on others who encourage their irresponsibility to maintain their dependency. Whenever anyone is not allowed to ìownî their own behavior, or suffer its consequences, boundaries are being crossed. To shield people from the consequences of their behavior is unbiblical. It can cause a person to live a life of chaos because they have no confidence in their ability to cause an effect.

Thoughts

Our thoughts are another important aspect of who we are. We are to develop them in the same way we develop any other aspect of ourselves. We are to take every thought captive, take responsibility for it and evaluate it. If we are owning our thoughts, we are not repressing or denying them. This dynamic of ìowningî oneís own thoughts is very important in establishing identity because what we think is an essential part of who we are. Thinking our own thoughts is the beginning of freedom and responsibility.

Thoughts

When we take responsibility for someone elseís thoughts, we invade their boundaries; we interfere with their property. If we expect them to take responsibility for ours, we have a similar problem. Boundaries get crossed in thinking when people try to put their interpretations onto others. We need to give people the right to their own thoughts and interpretations and not try to change them. Each person has the responsibility to change his or her own thoughts and opinions.

Abilities

God has given each of us certain talents and abilities, and He holds us responsible for developing them. Many times people do not explore their own talents. They accept othersí definitions of them, without seeing if these definitions fit. We lose ourselves when we so conform to others wishes for what we ìshouldî be. We are separate people with separate identity. We must own what is our true self, and develop it with Godís grace and truth.

Abilities

People who cross boundaries in this area are in danger of feeling either false pride or false guilty. An eye may look at a hand and say, ìI can see so much better than that hand! Arenít I great!î or ìI canít pick up anything like that hand can. Iím so stupid.î Both appraisals are inaccurate. In addition, we must not allow someone else to cross our boundaries and try to tell us what our abilities are. Parents are often guilty of this kind of boundary crossing. They may want their child to be an intellectual when his is an athlete or the reverse. If loved ones cannot appreciate and value our real talents, we often conform to their expectations and deny our real abilities.

Desires

Our desires are a major part of what it means to be created in Godís likeness. He has given many desires to us; others we have chosen. Both can be good. But some of our desires are not good. In either case, we must begin to own them to straighten out what is good and bad. When we do not acknowledge our desires, we cut ourselves off from who we are, and we limit our future satisfaction. God uses our desires to fulfill his purposes. Only when we admit our desires can God work with us to meet them, delay them, encourage us to give them up, or whatever would be helpful.

Desires

Desires are like feelings and any other element of what lies within our boundaries. We must own ours, and ours only. They are our responsibility and not someone elseís. For example, letís say Jimís wife, Jean, has a desire for a nice yard. This is her desire, not his; therefore, she is responsible for it. She can certainly ask Jim for help, and he may give it to her. But she is still responsible for obtaining it. If he doesnít give it, and she still wants it, she must take responsibility for getting it, If she doesnít get it, thatís her problem also. If we donít see that we own our desires, we blame others when we are deprived. This is a case of crossing over boundaries.

Choices

To own and make our own choices, we must be aware of all aspects of ourselves (attitudes, behaviors, feelings, desires and thoughts) that go into any decision. In addition, we must be aware that we are making a choice about almost everything we do. There are certainly things in life over which we have no control, but we always have a choice about how we will respond to these things. Our choices determine our direction in life.

Choices

The essence of boundaries is taking responsibility, and at the hub of responsibility is choice. God has given every human the ability to choose. Whenever we make someone elseís choices for them, or whenever we think they are responsible for making our choices for us, boundaries are crossed.

Limits

When we examine our boundaries we discover our limits. Just as our yard has physical boundaries, so our livesóemotional, psychological, and spiritualóhave limits also. We all possess a finite amount of ability, time, money, energy and so on. It takes time to learn our limits in the various areas of life but they can be learned if we are aware of our feelings, attitudes and behaviors. At times, we may overextend ourselves. Or at other times, our limits may be too narrow. We can err in either direction. It takes much grace, truth and practice in time with others to discover our limits and to take responsibility for them. This is the balanced life.

Limits

Crossed boundaries work the same way with limits. We must own our own, and not othersí. We decide what limits we will set on ourselves, and let others be responsible for the limits they set on themselves. If we have limitations of time, money or energy, we must set those. If we extend them too far, it is our fault. At the same time we cannot decide where someone elseís limits are. If a family member chooses not to limit their drinking this is their responsibility. However, other family members can set limits on how they will be affected by it. They can limit their exposure to the behavior by removing themselves from the situation until the behavior is changed.

Changes that Heal (Part 8)

Sorting Out Good and Bad

Have you ever had a relationship where you thought everything was going okay, and then you didn’t call home when you were going to be late and your partner treated you like you had leprosy?

Or, have you thought you were doing well in golf, and then played a rotten game and felt enormous hatred for yourself? It felt as if you were a total failure, all bad.

Or, have you ever prepared a special meal for friends, planning the perfect evening together, then the cake falls and the whole evening is ruined?

The world around us is good and bad. The people around us are good and bad. We are good and bad.

Our natural tendency is to try and resolve the problem of good and evil by keeping the good and the bad separated. We want, by nature, to experience the “good me,” the “good other,” and the “good world” as all good. To do this, we see the “bad me,” the “bad other,” and the “bad world” as all bad. This creates a split in our experience of ourselves, others and the world around us—a split that is not based on reality and cannot stand the test of time and real life.

This splitting results in an inability to tolerate badness, weakness, and failure in others and ourselves. It leads to two basic problems: sometimes we deny the existence of bad; sometimes we deny the existence of good. We feel like we are all bad when we fail, or we think we are all good when we are doing well.

Dealing with the Good/Bad Conflict

Generally, we deal with the conflict between good and bad in our lives in four different ways, three of which fail.

1. Deny the Bad

Denial is the way some people handle the bad in their lives. People deny feelings that are not part of their “ideal self.” Sometimes people who have been taught that their emotions are not acceptable deny sadness. Denial of emotions leads to depression because sadness is God’s way of dealing with hurt and loss. Some deny sinful feelings such as lust, envy or bitterness. They think that Christians shouldn’t have these feelings, so they deny their existence. The Bible urges people not to deny the badness they have inside, but to get it out into the light of God’s forgiveness.

2. Deny the Good

Some people deny the good. People who feel so under the pile of what “the ideal” demands, do away with standards altogether. As a result, they live in the badness, without any realization that it is bad. Their conscience becomes seared and they have no concept of acting in a way that is wrong.

Another common way people deny the good affects our view of others. We may see a bad characteristic in someone else and draw the conclusion that there is no good in the person. We write them off as all bad.

3. Attack and Judge

Attacking and judging is the most common way of dealing with the bad. Whether we attack others or ourselves, the outcome of being critical and harsh is condemnation and hurt. When we attack the bad, there may be truth in the attack. But, if it is done without grace and acceptance, it accomplishes nothing.

4. Acceptance

Acceptance of good and bad is the biblical alternative. It is called grace and truth. In this alternative, we deny neither the good nor the bad. We accept and forgive the bad, while clinging to the ideal as an unrealized goal that we strive for in an atmosphere of full acceptance. We stand in grace. This strategy does not split the good and the bad, nor does it get angry and condemning, but it grasps onto both the good and the bad at the same time.

Just as we accept the good and bad in ourselves, we need to accept them in others. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32) We must face and deal with the truth, but we must accept, not reject; we must be kind, not angry.

Love and Acceptance

Love is the solution and resolution to all problems of good and bad. When we were in the Garden of Eden, perfectly loved and accepted, good and bad was not an issue. When we disobeyed, good and bad became a paramount issue.

If we have enough love and limits, or grace and truth, we begin to experience the way God relates to us and to learn that we are standing in grace (Romans 5:2), where judgment and condemnation don’t come into the picture. We experience badness and failure as a sad thing for it causes us to miss out on loving someone. If we aren’t worried about condemnation when we sin, we have more energy to be worried about the one we hurt. That is godly sorrow instead of crippling guilt.

Jesus says the whole law could be summed up in the law of love. When we see our failures and sin as a lack of love for another person, instead of “badness,” then we have moved to a more mature way of seeing issues of good and bad.

This is true of ourselves as well. If, when we sin, we can see how our sin hurts us, instead of calling ourselves “bad people,” we can begin to get out of the slavery of the “law of sin and death.” Only when we get a picture of the self-destructive nature of our sin do we begin to change. Guilt manipulation does not work; it only makes us sin all the more. “The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more.” (Romans 5:20)

This is the simple truth of the gospel: only grace sets us free. “Who will rescue me from this body of death?” Paul asks when he is struggling with repeated sin (Romans 7:24). He goes on to say, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). It is only when we are no longer condemned for the bad that we can let go of it. Because we have been set free from that law, we can walk after the Spirit. But, if we still see our badness as something that incurs condemnation and guilt, the sin cycle will continue.

It is a powerful thing, this “no condemnation.” It transforms lives. When someone can get to a point where they do not feel condemned, no matter what they do, they are well on the way to being more and more loving, for “he who is forgiven much, loves much.”

From Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud; Zondervan, 1990, 1992.